Ngl, thinking bout having to come out gives me maaaaaajor anxiety. Makes me feel like im just surpressing this

Yeah ive heard about it too. But i just wonder, when im with family i cant be relaxed bc im constantly thinking : “im gay and they dont know it i have to come out, they will never expect it from me” and then i start thinking what if i rlly was gay, would real gay people also never be relaxed around their fam, would they be comfortable or not would they constanly fee pressure to come out for their sexuality or would they be more relaxed about it and just plan a way or a date to just tell them and then they when theyre around family theyre just themselves and relaxed even tho they hold that secret? Because i feel like its not normal that i feel like i gave to comeout to my family otherwise i wont be comfortable around them.. so I immediately wonder if that makes me hocd or gay..

@hocdgirlsummer It's only HOCD don't worry about it. I used to overthink it too before I realised there is no point in overanalyzing it as it makes it worse so I just think what I want to now tbh

@hocdgirlsummer Same. I came out to my mom and now I really regret it. I always wonder, people that are gay, do they feel relaxed after coming out or anxious?

@lemondew Relaxed ofc but maybe a but anxious bout how ppl will look at them.. but if ur still dont know what u r and u came out it has to be hocd

@hocdgirlsummer I really can't tell... immediately after I came out as gay in the next ten minutes I again told her I was bi and then finally came back to being straight. Like wtf?

@lemondew Damn pure hocd. I feel like the only way well ever know what we are is when we ston obsessing for good. But it seems jmpossible i cant just tll myself. Idc what i am because i need the answer to live bc it has so much impact

@hocdgirlsummer The only way to get rid of this is to accept that our future is uncertain and anything can happen. I am anxious but after talking to one of the members for a bit long I realized a lot about myself and I kind of got back all my memories

@lemondew Woow j want that too tho i miss my memmories how d u do that

@hocdgirlsummer The thing the member told me was to just calm my sit with my thoughts for a while and know what's in your heart and what you really want. You just have to sit their and accept that things in the future can be uncertain. While sitting down with my thoughts, I kind of reflected on what I was feeling, my thoughts and especially how and where this mess even started, in the past.

@hocdgirlsummer Idk why I'm crying like while writing my previous message, tears just rolled out on their own. I still feel a bit scared to accept how things could change in the future and im afraid of my HOCD pulling me back again but i have to try.

@lemondew Ahw thats okay❤️ ur feelings are valid and theres nothing wrong with crying sometimes. It is very overwelming, i cry a lottt too. Thank u for the advice :)

@hocdgirlsummer Thank you for supporting. It's kind of hard but if this is the only way I guess. Idm why my HOCD is screaming "I want to be with girls" but my heart just kind of feelswarm and this sense of relief. HOCD is just screaming "I'd be happier with a women" but my heart doesn't feel that way at all. :)

@lemondew Saaame my heart was soo happy w boys which is like the last string im holding onto. The fact that i was actually happy with boys and not with girls gotta mean something

@hocdgirlsummer I hope it does. Like I remembered a memory of when I finally hugged a boy in kindergarten in a party and I got too excited, the thought of hugging him felt soooo good. My crushes were always boys even after puberty. Like I felt nothing for girls

@lemondew Same but now my brain covinces me i dont like men at all and thst girls is what i like now but its sow eied that my attraction to men actually dissapeard by it, like why does thst have to come with hocd

@hocdgirlsummer It just makes everything 1000 times more confusing

@hocdgirlsummer Same, ever since the previous message my mind is screaming "I'm crying because I like girls and I don't want to leave them" and it's bothering me while at the same time time my chest kind of pains like it is very confusing. I honestly do not want to be bi or gay. Tbh fuck all that, boys are great and handsome beings ??

@hocdgirlsummer Honestly I want my attraction for boys to come back like I enjoy sexually thinking about boys and doing romantic stuff with them is cute as heck, like I want that so badly

@hocdgirlsummer As I wrote the previous message about being with boys I started smiling uncontrollably lol

@lemondew I knoww sis and thats who u are, u know i love it bc u expierenced it dont let anyone and anything else tell u otherwise!

@hocdgirlsummer I know I'm an but my HOCD has convinced me enough it's not

@lemondew Same but we gotta keep going

@hocdgirlsummer Yup. Almost a day has past since I've tried and I think I'm starting to accept the uncertainty and I feel kind of light. But not that Im still not anxious. The problem is with me, I started it all and now it's kicking me in my ass.

@hocdgirlsummer I can't get any attraction or enjoyment from thinking of boys. I feel like I'm forcing all of this disgust, anxiety and attraction to boys. It makes me scared to know that future for me isn't set in stone and can change. I get scared and anxious to know I might be a lesbian and I enjoy being one.

@lemondew Same it hurts so much to not be able to genuinely enjoy boys.. it makes me feel so empty

@hocdgirlsummer Yk how I told about accepting the uncertainty. It didn't go as I though it would. Not even a day and my mind kept asking me more things thus making anxious.

@hocdgirlsummer I cried today knowing that I don't get attracted to boys at all anymore. I feel like I'm forcing all of this attraction to boys, HOCD, anxiety like everything. I feel obligated to be with a woman. I don't want to like girls

@lemondew Yeah, ngl i gave up on that one... i jusr live everyday hoping that by time imma forget about this and get myself back.. idk its working but its not because sometimes im anxietty free and i feel like aight omg Im kinda excited to live my life n shit but them two things happen, or i realise that im still nowhere near the happy state i was jn before hocd and i will never expierence the things i used to dream of in the happy state so i wont get the full joy out of it, or i fall back in anxiett. So it looks like theres still not rlly a way out..

@lemondew I used to cry about that everyday too. Now i got used to not being attravted to boys so i worry less about it idk if thsts a Good thing because it feels like Im Letting go of who i was but i dont want to bevause she is the real me but On the other hand i get anxiety free moments out Of it

@hocdgirlsummer Do you feel obligated or maybe like feel you're supposed to be with a girl?

@lemondew Ofc its hocd

@hocdgirlsummer There's this new girl joining my class and I'm so afraid of realising I'm a lesbian if I get attracted to her.

@hocdgirlsummer Just because of some dumb experimenting shit I regret it, caused my own trauma and now I suffer with this

@lemondew Samee

@hocdgirlsummer I feel so bad. I wanna just lay in bed all the time and not be alive anymore

@lemondew Please hold on

@hocdgirlsummer I'm trying my best but it feels so empty like what's the point of living a life which j can't enjoy thoroughly

@lemondew I know ive been there. Hocd comes in phases so rigjt now i can tell ur still in de deep anxious fase. This will go, it will get easier. Im in a phase where its easier. Still a pain in the ass and nothing like how it used to be hut its easier trust me, more calm and more anxiety free, less thoughts. So i can assure u that it does get better after a while as someone who can really relate to everything u say and whos been trough the same. For me life is better than it wad last year snd to me thats like such a gift. Because last year (2018) was painfulllll then 2019 came and it did got better which gives me hope that this year may even bring better times. Ive been trough what youve been trough and i was just like you but please just wait and sit in the pain but never forget that it gets easier.

@hocdgirlsummer Reading that made me eyes watery. Idk why? But thank you for the support you've been giving from the past two days. I feel hopeful but at the same time so lost.

@lemondew I get that❤️ thats not weird because ur hocd is in war with hope. You choose who wins, but im sure youll make the right choise, at some point there is jo other option than just sit there and wait for it to be over and the longes u just let time heal you the more you start feeling okay!

@hocdgirlsummer I've been reading these and they've helped so thanks!

@hocdgirlsummer Thank you for believing in me. I'm trying my hardest not to think about them :) it's really nice talking to someone that actually understands whatever I'm going through

@LeeDavies07 We all relate to the same problems so her words are encouraging

U have hocd? I do but why would it be okay to not come out if ur gay, i dont wanna come out bc i dont have too bc it aint me i want myself back so i see i dont ever have to come out

@hocdgirlsummer Yes! But even if you were that would never have to be a mandatory thing so your not lying to yourself!!

@Mimi123 True fact, but at some point ur family is gonna be like, uh r u seeing someone and all that, i cant keep lying to them because i feel i do i always say i dint have my eye on a boy but i always think to myself like omg why ur lying ur gay and u know it but idk i never seen a girl i liked at all and there used to be many boys i like. Im scared i wont date ever in the future because at this point i dont like anything because i didnt like girls from the start and my attraction to boys is gone..

@hocdgirlsummer I have a boyfriend and that happened to me, it means nothing! If you were able to assume you would but your not because you ain't gay! OCD receives the strength you give it! So don't care about those thoughts and they will go away! Let them in

@Mimi123 Thank u sis❤️