have i ever loved my partner?

I wonder if I have ever loved my partner. I don’t feel like I have a deep love for him, even though I objectively know he is a wonderful person—intelligent, funny (though on this point I feel like I’m lying and that he actually isn't), loving, patient, sensitive, and kind. We’ve been together for a year and a half, and about six months in, I started having the first doubts that immediately made me spiral. In my previous relationship, even though it only lasted three months, there were real underlying incompatibilities, and at the same time, I had started having doubts that I later found out were ROCD. So, in my current relationship, as soon as I noticed I was having more or less the same thoughts, I immediately turned to a therapist who then diagnosed me with OCD. I must say that when I enter a relationship, I feel like I almost lose my compass a bit, and that scares me a lot. At the beginning of my relationship, since I got along very well with my partner and we were highly compatible, I was able to enjoy our moments together; every background detail felt special and every moment I spent with him was special, maybe also because it was the first time someone loved me and spoke to me with that kind of kindness. When I received the diagnosis, I was actually quite glad to tell my boyfriend that what was happening to me was a disorder and that I wasn't the problem. Unfortunately, over the months I kept engaging in compulsions, which are often mental and therefore very hard to stop, but I still felt a connection with him and everything was still fine looking back now—we were still very close. Over the months, I confessed several things to him (he knew about my OCD and I had talked to him about it extensively); I often made comparisons between him and a past date, and also with my ex, and clearly, it hurt him a lot. I often behaved toward him in ways that I don't think are right, even though he keeps saying that I never disrespected him and that I’ve always treated him well despite everything. One day I asked him if he felt loved, because at that moment I was focused on whether I felt loved by him, and the answer was no, so I turned the question to him. He told me that when I’m myself he feels loved, whereas when I have OCD, it's like I seem like a completely different person. In all these months, I’ve also suffered from depersonalization many times. I thought I had depression, but based on the clues I gathered from my therapist, apparently that's not the case. She tells me my mood is very low, and I’ve started taking supplements for now. However, for the first few months after I found out about the OCD, things were still good with my boyfriend. Slowly, in my opinion, we grew apart a bit; I started judging myself for every single feeling. Today, I feel like I experience a sense of flatness toward him; we are distant, sometimes I feel like I don't want him at all, and most of the time it’s like that. Maybe I got so immersed in doubts and in judging myself and my feelings that now I don’t even find pleasure in being with him anymore, which is something I used to feel before.It’s clear that after being together for a while, the strong feelings fade, and rationally I understand that. Obviously, I can’t expect to tremble inside every time he touches me like in the beginning, but at the core, maybe I should still find pleasure in being with him. Instead, many times I have to convince myself because maybe I’ve associated being with him with anxiety, fear, feeling wrong, and derealization.I’ve wondered many times if I’m only with him just to have someone, or because he treats me well. I often think he isn't enough, or that I would be better off with people who share my same emotional level. I’m wondering if I really ever loved him, if he is enough for me, if this will ever pass, and if we will maybe return to a new version of us, but closer.The point is that I’m struggling because I feel like I have so many problems, that I’m the one who is wrong, that I hurt him, and that it’s my fault if our relationship isn't going as well as I’d like right now. But it feels like all of this can never change, and I don’t know how to make it change.My therapist also suggested the possibility of taking a break, but I don’t want to. My boyfriend also told me that if I’m not happy, it’s okay to go our separate ways and simply accept that we aren't good together, adding that if he were certain that breaking up was the right choice, he would have done it already because he doesn't want to see me suffer like this.Sometimes I feel like I can’t stand him, like I want to stay away from him; other times I get close to him, but feeling fake. I never understand what my real intentions are.Inside, it feels like I’ve convinced myself that our story will end and that maybe I never loved him. I feel helpless in my situation with him because I often feel overwhelmed and anxious just being near him. I push him away; he irritates me even when he does nothing wrong. And I don’t know if this means 'I am exhausted from the constant anxiety and the continuous checking that I can’t seem to stop,' or if I’m tired of him and have realized that I actually don't care at all and just unconsciously used him for my own purposes. I feel like I'm a bad person. Rationally, I tell myself that if I actually cared, I would feel the desire and the drive to change my behavior toward him, but I just can't do it, and then I think that my motivations are wrong. I also know that I’ve been trying to hold on in this relationship with him and with OCD for a year now, and I can't take it anymore. It's as if I've started seeing him as the threat, and seeing him do things for me out of genuine interest while I fail to appreciate what he does makes me say to myself that I don't care. But then I think that maybe I’m just tired of everything. I can’t change; every time I see him, I internally reject him. I don’t want to kiss him, and I only do it more because he leans in. I would gladly give him lots of little kisses on the cheek or on the head because I like kissing him there. I don’t feel the pleasure of being with him and sharing things anymore—I just don’t feel these things at all, and I don’t know if it’s OCD, real lack of interest, or lack of interest caused by the situation and I don't care about him, or if it’s internal trauma or other mechanisms. Either way, it feels like I can’t resolve them.I can act kind to him, answer him more calmly because he doesn't deserve a harsh response since he always speaks to me kindly and does everything for me, but then I can't maintain that behavior for a long time because irritation sets in, or I notice that I'm not interested.I don’t know if I just need to make a decision and stop dragging out something that isn’t going to change over time.I want to understand how to change. I hear many people say to focus on the partner you want to be, but that doesn't mean love, and besides, I would only do it because I think that if I do, the relationship will bloom again. And I think that way about everything. I see that i’m not spontaneous anymore with him. I probably am never out of my spiral I wish I could experience this relationship just as peacefully as I experience all my other relationships with friends or family members.