I hate this

my OCD is making me analyze my feelings constantly at home and it’s so bad . We’ve been together for several years, and he has been a really important person in my life. I have a lot of memories with him from middle school until now. I remember seeing him when we were younger and feeling like he was so amazing and sweet. I still have moments where I genuinely miss him, feel happy seeing him, think he’s cute, want affection, or feel like “that’s my man.” Sometimes I get spontaneous excitement when he texts me or does something affectionate. I’ve also had moments where I feel like my old self with him again. Marriage has become a huge OCD topic for me. I generally have thoughts about wanting to marry my boyfriend and live together someday, but sometimes when marriage becomes very concrete, like when he says “when we get married,” I suddenly feel weird, blocked, heavy, or unfamiliar but I didn’t focus on it too much but I moved on . I had a moment where he said something about us getting married and I wondered why I didn’t have the reaction I expected. Then my brain started asking, “Why did that feel weird? Does that mean I don’t actually want to marry him? Why doesn’t marriage make me as excited as other future things? Are we just not meant to be? Did something change? Do I genuinely not want to be with him?” I’ve also seen wedding related things, like a cute wedding dress, and tried to imagine myself and my boyfriend together. Sometimes I can picture it, but other times I feel blocked when I try to make myself feel something. Then I get frustrated and interpret the block as evidence. I’ve noticed that things like imagining double dates or smaller future experiences can sometimes feel more natural and exciting than imagining something as huge and serious as marriage, and then I compare the two and analyze why. I noticed myself making a serious face and felt a tiny “ugh” or annoyed feeling. Immediately my brain said, “You find him annoying because of that.” Then I noticed the feeling more, and it became more intense. There was also an incident where I was already angry at my mom and sisters because they had touched my things. I was washing my boyfriend’s water bottle because someone had touched it and it was dirty. I was struggling to open the lid, and I remembered that my boyfriend had closed it. My frustration shifted toward him and I called him a name in anger. I’ve called him names like that before when I was angry without meaning them literally, but afterward I felt really guilty and started asking, “Why did I say that? Do I hate him?” Then my brain kept replaying other scenarios where I might call him names, which made the whole thing feel much bigger. I also remember that I used to put a lot of effort into trying to make things better between us. I would look up or think about things like how to maintain a long-term relationship, how to communicate better, and how to keep a relationship healthy. At the time, I later realized a lot of that was connected to my OCD because I was trying to make sure the relationship was “right” and prevent something from going wrong. Now those urges to fix or analyze things can hit really strongly and then disappear, which makes me question why I don’t feel the same urgency anymore.Another fear I have is that the heavy, blocked, weird, or uncomfortable feelings are covering up my “real” feelings underneath. I’ll think, “What if I actually feel differently underneath all of this, but the heaviness is preventing me from accessing it?” Then I start trying to figure out what my “real” feeling is, which makes me monitor myself even more. I don’t know whether the heavy feeling is anxiety, OCD, a normal emotion, or something else, and I notice that trying to determine exactly what it is becomes another thing I check. I want to learn how to let the feeling be there without having to uncover a supposedly hidden “real feeling” underneath it.