I need help. Badly. I used to watch young/old porn and before I thought it was weird, not common but it kind of turned me on (probably bc it's also just sex) and I did get off to it. By young/old, I mean to my knowledge, two consenting adults with a large age gap. So both legal, on a site called xvideos and usually it looked professionally done. However I've been scared cause what if the videos I have watched before were bad? Like the girls were not of legal age and I wasn't aware but still, that makes me bad right? I've stopped watching that now because I'm more aware now. However, awhile ago while doing my business (masturbating) and watching porn (i'm stopping now, please don't advise me to stop because I will try now) I came across a young/old, it looks professionally done and usually when it is, all parties involved are of legal age. Anyway I got curious and checked it out, but of course before that I was already doing my business so when I stumbled upon that I was already a bit aroused but I felt like that also kind of turned me on (I usually focus on what they're doing to the woman in videos and I'm assuming cause well, it's sex, it's a natural reaction) so I kind of continued and I did get off but I felt bad cause why would I do that. videos like that are wrong to me if I wasn't so clouded over lust I guess? because to me it feeds the wrong type of fantasy to grown men esp when the girl is labeled as a "teen" (even if they're legal women) I feel bad cause it makes me think I'm a predator or a pedo. i'm a 20 year old female but i feel disgusting for watching that. feeling like i condone to pedophilia but i dont. i hate sexual predators. why do porn ike that exist? am i one of them? help my pocd. I'm starting to spiral down again.

Hi sorry I know this was over a year ago but I’m struggling with this right now. I’m essentially worried that the fantasises in porn I’ve watched for a while have trained my brain to only find THAT arousing and not normal sex with a partner

@garden That’s a common concern with porn! And many people do in fact struggle with in person intimacy if they primarily use porn. But how we engage with fantasies vs real life people is different and we sometimes just need to remind ourselves of that. With fantasies, we go deep into our imagination and engage in a lot of narrative. With people, we need to be more present and in the moment with our bodies. I’d try practicing mindfulness! Both outside the bedroom and within. During sex: pay attention to what you feel, what you see, what you smell, what you taste. Get out of your head and into your body. It’s not a fantasy: it’s real life! it’s okay if being present is a struggle at first. Like anything, it gets easier (and more fun) with practice.

@pureolife Thanks so so much. I really hope it’s okay. I’m actually a virgin so it’s hard to tell but I really hope that when it comes to my first time, I’m not completely ruined by porn I’ve watched.

@garden Oh I see! In that case ocd is creating a bunch of nonsense worries before there’s even anything to be concerned about! Lean into uncertainty: “maybe watching porn will make me struggle with in person intimacy in the future, or maybe it won’t. I don’t know for sure and I don’t need to know with any more certainty than I already have.”

@pureolife Thank you. Gosh you’re always so helpful! It means a lot. I will try to embrace this uncertainty more.

@pureolife Hello can I talk to you ?

@andrea_sam730 What’s your question? This was an old post but I can try

@pureolife I’m just really struggling right now with uncertainty:/

@andrea_sam730 Uncertainty about what? Without any details, all I can say is that life is inherently uncertain. Nothing is black and white. The world is complex, nuanced, and at times contradictory. It’s important to accept the mess.

@pureolife I was kind of having the same problem ok I don’t wanna sound disgusting or anything but I’m not perfect I sometimes have fallen short into temptation and sometimes I have sexual feelings so sometimes like once in a while in the past I would like to go on YouTube and search up like girls kissing and what I mean by that is like literally full grown adults doing whatever OK and that’s just it they didn’t do anything more than that and I am thinking to myself obviously it’s a YouTube like you need to be signed into like view these videos and also like they would never promote anything like illegal or anything so I trust that and then in the videos in the past like they literally look like full grown adult adults full grown adult adults but then this obsession got triggered by a whole different obsession that was not even related to me at all and then I started having intrusive thoughts like what if those women that I was watching in the videos were actually children like 12 years old or something and they just look a lot more older than they do and I’ll have that’s like YouTube might’ve mistakenly thought that they were older or there’s been a mistake and I’m panicking like crazy and I know it sounds irrational like I’ve had people told me that like that does not sound rational at all and YouTube doesn’t allow that stuff but still it feels so freaking real and I think it’s coming from a show that I used to watch called pretty little liars and one of the characters she looks like a full grown adult and really she was 12 years old and I didn’t have any inappropriate thoughts about her nothing towards her which I’m really happy about, but for some reason my OCD as it does it always bullies me it makes me feel like a crappy person and I started worrying like am I a bad person even though I didn’t do anything wrong and then I think that’s where my fear came from like oh these people may look like adults but they could be really 12 years old. :/ please do not judge me

@andrea_sam730 No judgment here. Only empathy. You’re very clearly suffering from ocd. And you’re ruminating about old events and checking to see what you felt or what you might have overlooked again and again. These are what we call mental compulsions. And if you want to get better, you have to stop performing them. Rumination and checking don’t bring you closer to certainty. They take you farther away. Next time you want to do either, take a deep breath and say to yourself “maybe I did something horrible, but maybe not. I don’t need to know with anymore certainty than I already have in this moment” and let that be your answer. Refocus on what’s in front of you.

@pureolife I really try it’s so hard because I would never willingly watch any content that involve minor like I said at the time I believed they were adults because they clearly look like it and I even have this gut feeling like no like everything‘s gonna be fine, but I just feel so guilty like a like I’m a horrible person because I should probably tell myself no I should’ve been 100% sure I should’ve gone out of my way to make sure :(

@andrea_sam730 Yeah of course. It’s ocd keeping you in this obsession, not fact or your morality as a person. “Making sure” in the normal person sense is great. But you’re not doing that. You’re obsessing in a way that’s not productive for anyone. Not for you. Not for any theoretical people you’re imagining could have been harmed but have no proof were.

@pureolife I just get afraid one day I’ll eventually find out that my fear is real :/ omg i feel horrible