ROCD Real Event Help

I can stop obsessing over something that happened 2 years ago and feeling guilt. I have been in a relationship for 4 years, 2 years ago I won’t say we were going through a rough patch but we were in finals week and very stressed. In addition to this, I was in the worst of my eating disorder/body dysmorphia. I was down 30 lbs and felt so disgustingly huge, barely eating and obsessing over the gym. I genuinely couldn’t tell if I was fat or not, so I posted a photo of my body on a weight loss and “am i fat” subreddit. I desperately wanted reassurance about my body (a very boring photo of me in a sports bra and super oversized boxers with my face cropped out, not posing or anything). I got replies telling me I looked very normal or thin. Normal replies, but I also received a lot of DMs. I didn’t reply to the obviously sexual or flirty ones, just blocked or ignored, but I did reply to the more normal ones. I remember talking to a few people about weight loss, like how many calories I was eating and my gym routine. I know for a fact I wasn’t flirtatious at all, but I can’t stop retroactively thinking that I was desperate for attention or something. I just wanted reassurance that I wasn’t fat, this was before I ever speculated that I could have OCD. I deleted all of the chats like 2 days later once I realized how weird it was that I was talking to strangers, most likely men, on the internet about my weight and I was consumed with guilt. I wish I didn’t delete them now because I want to go back and read them to make sure. One chat was still there that I read recently and it was a very normal conversation, I even mentioned having a boyfriend in it, but I can’t get over it knowing that these people probably DMed me because of my body and I replied to them. I feel even worse knowing I deleted the messages out of guilt, because then I knew I was doing something wrong. I want to confess to my partner badly. I can’t tell if this is OCD or if I genuinely did an awful thing and he deserves to know. By the way, at the time I told him almost immediately that I had posted on those subreddits and that I got some weird DMs, I even showed him the photos I posted (had deleted the posts at this point) but obviously didn’t go into detail about the conversations I had from some of the DMs.

amethyst777

Date posted: Yesterday

You want advice?

Anonymous

Date posted: 17h

@amethyst777 Yes, I don’t know if he should know about this or not. Obviously it is upsetting to me.

amethyst777

Date posted: 6h

@Anonymous Generally speaking for ocd - Unless you can swear under oath you did something bad don't worry about it. Cause the ocd will say what if such as a person checking the door is locked 10 times thanks to ocd. If you bump into a hungry lion you don't have to question it. So if you did things purposely against your bf do you think you'd be questioning it? Asking you.

username0192...

Date posted: 21h

“I can’t tell if this is OCD or if I genuinely did an awful thing and he deserves to know.” It’s ocd. but you don’t have to prove that. in fact you probably won’t be able to. what you can do is manage compulsions. confessing to your boyfriend, rereading or trying to remember or reviewing your conversations, analyzing your intentions, etc.— those are all compulsions that will make you feel worse. Instead you can accept that you will never know what you actually said and why. But you DO know your current morals and values, and it’s clear that cheating is not something you want to do. Listen to that truth and love yourself

Anonymous

Date posted: 17h

@username0192837456 but doesn’t he deserve to know? if this is something that might upset him, is it ok to not tell him?

username0192...

Date posted: 17h

@Anonymous There are always going to be things that you want to confess. After this your brain will find some new memory or you will experience some new interaction that will try to convince you that you need to confess something. It’s not going to go away when you confess this, you have to learn how to interact with these thoughts differently so you can handle anything. You have to sit with the uncertainty that yes, maybe he does deserve to know, maybe it wouldn’t be okay to not tell him. But also maybe it is okay. I know exactly the feeling of needing to having an urgent and seemingly moral obligation to figure something out that appears to require imperative real life action. So I know how difficult it is to not do the compulsions and try not to figure it out. But i’m telling you from a place where I still struggle every day but I see the other side, this works and if you can do this you will be able to handle anything. I know this post is a little blunt but it only comes from a place of love because I want better for you. this is really hard stuff and I am so sorry you are experiencing this. but I really believe in you and I am here to support you

Anonymous

Date posted: 16h

@username0192837456 no it’s not too blunt at all, thank you so much. and you’re right, i always find a new memory to confess, and it feels urgent every time. thank you. :)

39871-Kez

Date posted: 10h

It seems like you’re treating this as an emergency. Honestly I don’t think anyone has the right to know about your OCD unless you want to share it. From what I read, you’re definitely not a bad person, intentions matter and ocd can change intentions unwillingly. You treated the people you talked to as normal strangers, you wanted them to tell you about your body and health, I don’t see anything wrong with that especially where people are anonymous. However telling your partner is your choice, you’re stressing about whether you did something that could be identified as cheating or mistrust etc… whatever it is, but it’s not the situation. You’re definitely having an OCD episode and re checking your morality and what is right and wrong and your ocd won’t be able to give you that satisfaction. The more you think about confessing you’re gonna get a block and a spike of anxiety that won’t let you know what’s the next step you should take… I went through that…remember intentions matter, they can twisted it’s normal with ocd brain, but you need to react to your thoughts differently and shift your mindset

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