This is so hard

I’m struggling with ocd around my boyfriend, and I’m really scared because lately it can feel like I don’t care about him. I can be going through my normal day and still have all these thoughts running in the background. I’ll suddenly notice a feeling or lack of a feeling and think, “Do I even love him?” or “Am I just annoyed by him?” Then I start trying really hard to figure out what I actually feel.Sometimes I’ll look at him and try to find the feeling I think I’m supposed to have, especially a feeling of sadness or guilt when I have a bad thought about him. But sometimes I can’t feel it, and then I get even more scared because I think, “Why don’t I feel bad? Does that mean I don’t care?” Other times I’ll have a heavy or unsettling feeling very quickly, like when I hear something about weddings or our future. Then I start analyzing why that feeling was stronger than other feelings I expected to have.I also notice that my feelings can change while I’m actually with him. Today I was with him and my feelings were all over the place, but I still had a good time being with him. I can still notice that he’s cute, want to be close to him, talk about college and our lives, and enjoy being together. But afterward my brain starts analyzing those moments too and asking whether I was really feeling what I thought I was feeling. also started testing my feelings mentally. I’ll create an image or scenario in my head to see how I react, then analyze whether the reaction felt real enough. Sometimes the image feels extremely vivid, especially when I’m tired, and then I worry that the reaction must mean something. Other times I try to imagine romantic moments between us and feel completely blocked, which makes me think I’m somehow forcing myself to love him.The things that scares me the most if I’m genuinely feeling things or whether I’m “training” myself to love him. I also get thoughts like, “Do you really know him?” or “Why am I being avoidant?” during completely normal conversations. Then I start analyzing why I had the thought and whether it means something about our relationship.At one point I tried to imagine but he doesn’t like himself, he looks scary and creepy, and our future together and suddenly felt like I couldn’t see him in my future. Everything emotionally dropped, and that scared me. Later I tried to daydream about us with a song and felt blocked and heavy. Then I wondered whether that meant I didn’t love him.The confusing part is that I don’t actually want to keep doing this analysis. When I stop and think about what I want without trying to measure my feelings, I still want him to be my boyfriend. But I’m scared because it’s like I have to go make sure I still love him.I want to spend normal time with him, and I want the relationship to work and continue but it feels like I don’t?!? But when the thoughts and feelings start happening, I get stuck trying to figure out what they mean. I’m scared that if I stop checking, I’ll miss some important truth about how I actually feel.

Relationship OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 17h

It feels like I could have written this exact thing about 3 months ago. It’s the same experience for me with my fiancé. I recently started Prozac which has helped a TON. I still have those thoughts but they don’t debilitate me. And I know that love isn’t something you can measure by imagining a happily ever after set to romantic music. All my previous relationships I could imagine those things, but in those relationships there was a ton of toxicity, distance, and struggle. It was easier to fantasize the love part because I was craving it so much more. In my current relationship, it’s stabile and always there, so it’s less of a fantasy I crave. I don’t want to be chasing a fairy tale my entire life (or a person who isn’t fully into me) so it’s easier now to realize that I’m not always going to feel butterflies in the right relationship and that those “butterflies” are actually more anxiety than they are love.

OCD hater

Date posted: 17h

My main theme right now is relationship ocd so I completely understand what you’re going though. What helps me come out of it, which may not work for you to each their own, but it’s to imagine myself and another person having a conversation about all of the good things I like about him. Like if I had to describe his character to another person I would say “I love how he cares for me” “I love how he cares for other people” and so on. Not sure if this helps or not

Anonymous

Date posted: 16h

Hi! I struggled with this in my past relationships. I also have adhd, so when things get “stable” or “boring” I tend to overthink a bit more too. Currently, what helps me with this is remembering that there is no baseline or expected feeling for a relationship. Everyone feels differently and it comes in waves sometimes. Life isn’t really like the movies and it comes with unpredictability (which I hate lol). It’s very hard, but I’d just use these reminders as a mindfulness technique! Good luck.

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