Hey guys. I really hope I’m not being a bother. I’m having so much anxiety and stress right now. A little background info: I think I mentioned this before, but there was a plumbing issue at my apartment, and the maintenance guy got soiled toilet water on the tool he used to clean the toilet and brought that tool throughout the apartment and set it outside the apartment. I don’t know exactly where it touched or where water may have flung off of it. I hate going back to my apartment because I haven’t cleaned where it might have touched and can’t clean where he set it outside of the apartment. I tried to not clean for sake of some ERP, but I’m so distressed by it. I’ve been on holiday for a few weeks, but I have to go back soon. It’s to the point where thinking of it makes me nauseous and I feel like I can’t stay there. I think about this almost every moment of every day, so I feel awful. I haven’t been able to enjoy myself. I feel like my apartment is contaminated, and that I can’t escape the contamination even if I were to clean it (but I’ve tried not to even though that sounds gross I’m trying to do ERP but idk if it’s working because someone said I should’ve cleaned it so I’m incredibly stuck). I feel extremely uncomfortable in my apartment and when my family comes to visit me or my friends come over, I feel like I’ve spread it to them. I’m not afraid of getting sick; I’m just afraid of being and spreading contamination. Any tips or advice is greatly appreciated. I’m currently super stressed and anxious and crying writing this out, so I apologize if it doesn’t make sense. I appreciate your responses. Hopefully I’m not a bother. Thank you.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response!! I totally understand what you’re saying!! It’s such a time-oriented disorder which is a huge reason I hate OCD. I struggle over the “did I do enough? Did I clean enough? What would someone else do?” etc. I’m so sorry to hear about your compulsions- they must be so emotionally and physically taxing on you. I really hope that you do find some time to relax if you can like listening to music or something!! You deserve it!!

Also, when I get stressed about the time it’ll take me to clean, I sometimes turn on music (lol I’m obsessed with music!), and I let myself do one task per song if I can so that I stick to my goal and try to make it as enjoyable and efficient as it can be if that makes sense

@K8E That’s a really good idea. I’ll try that today as I tackel the huge task of my bedroom bathroom. And I do the exactly the same thing. Wipe something over and then wipe it over again cause I’m not sure the first time cleaned it enough. ?. When do you go back to the apartment. If it was me and it’s probably not the right thing to do but as soon as I make the decision to do the decontamination process it actually makes me feel better and I start calm down knowing that it will get done makes me feel so much better. I haven’t started any EFP treatment yet as I have only just made my first OCD Threpy appointment (which isn’t for another 3 weeks) But in saying that . my auntie who is a trauma therapist has been giving me a few tips over the years and a lot of tips in the last month since my OCD has become debilitating and she told me that for people who have really serious cases of OCD have to tackle emotional recovery first before resisting the compulsions otherwise it will just be too much to handle. So that is what I’m currently doing. She told me it’s OK to be OCD it’s a part of me but it’s not who I am and I can control it once I get help. So don’t beat myself up about it in the mean time. I thinks it’s such a huge thing that you were even able to leave it to go on holidays. Your far better then me. I’m not there yet.

@Kate Joan That’s great that your aunt has been helping!! That’s a good point about the emotional recovery. I know it’s probably not a good idea, but I think if I don’t clean it by myself it may help me. I understand not asking for reassurance, but I think it’s just such a source of anxiety to the point of sickness for me that I may need help tackling it with the others that live in my apartment or a family member. I go back in a few days, and I’ve dreaded it so much that I haven’t been able to enjoy my holiday :/

@K8E Oh you live with other people in the apartment. That would be difficult. Maybe you could hire a cleaner to do the main clean and that you can just go over what you need to afterwards so at least the daunting part of decontaminating everything is not as bad. I don’t think we can expect ourselves to do something we are not ready for when it is a big contamination like that. If it was a small thing then maybe the EFP could work better. But if it’s causing you this much stress then it’s obviously a big contamination for you. It’s like Mount Everest you can’t just climb to the top straight away you have to go in stages.

@K8E That sucks that you haven’t been able to enjoy your holidays. That is the worst. Holidays should be where you can have a little break from your OCD but instead it has just extended the anxiety ☹️

@Kate Joan Exactly!! I think I’ll just have to tackle it when I get back hopefully with some help. I get stressed about what cleaning sprays to use because I like bleach since it is basically a cleaning standard but it’s a rather large spot I’d have to clean, so it would smell horrible then I find myself thinking other sprays just won’t get it clean enough.

@K8E I also have particular cleaning products I want to use for different areas. Bleach for really contaminated things (like your toilet water situation) and then bench wipes for surfaces etc. it’s so crazy how when you get something in your head on how it had to be done it can’t be doen any other way or it won’t solve the issue.

@Kate Joan Yep exactly!! OCD is so frustrating

It’s been really difficult. It’s hard to live in a place where you’re not really comfortable but I’m just trying to take it minute by minute and let things that would normally send me over the edge just not bother me as much which is way easier said than done but yeah! Thanks for checking in!

@K8E What happened was so triggering for you. It’s not like someone was over and just dropped bread crums. It was toilet water. It’s probably not good to think about it like this but it’s currently helping me get through my being uncomfortable in my room because of the fly that died in there BUT your not going to live there forever so all you need to do even though it’s uncomfortable is knowing that it’s not forever. It just sucks in the mean time feeling uncomfortable in your home ☹️. The shit thing is we can’t control everything and if it wasn’t the fly or the toilet water it will probably be something else with someone like us who suffers from OCD.

@Kate Joan Good points!! Thank you for the support!! I hope you’re doing well! What have you decided to do about the fly?

@K8E It really makes me fee uncomfortable being in my room still. Every time I walk over the pathway from my bed to the door where it crawled over and died I think about it. I still think my room is contaminated. I no longer have safe uncontaminated place in my house now. But I’m Still getting up and going to work. I’m still going into my room and still walking over the spot it went. I don’t like it but I’m doing it. I don’t have a choice since we own the house. We want to do some renovations later in the year and I just keep thinking that once they are done this carpet will have been ripped up and I’ll finally be able to decontaminate properly. And in the mean time maybe I will get better now that I have started therapy yesterday.

@Kate Joan It sounds like you’re conquering your fear!! And starting therapy is great!! I’m really happy for you!! I hope it goes well, and just know YOU CAN DO THIS!!

@K8E Thank you. ?. You can do this to!!!

@Kate Joan Thanks!!