Sorry if this sounds weird or crazy

I don’t know what kind of OCD this counts as, existential sounds like the most likely, or if it’s even OCD at work- but to put it short I have a very active and vivid imagination and I’m a writer/artist who uses it for those things. I spend a lot of my free time imagining scenes in my stories or art pieces… but another thing is that for a few years now I suspected I have some kind of dissociative disorder. I don’t always feel like the same person. Sometimes when I’m in these daydreams I “become” the character and stay that way once the daydream is over. Also when I’m “me” I’d talk to those characters in my head sometimes. It wasn’t a huge deal at first. But sometimes I’d really ruminate on if I was really “me” anymore. Then a few nights ago, I was in one of those vivid daydreams, or coming out of one I don’t fully remember- and it just felt like I was dying all of a sudden. Like, identity-wise, I was fading away. I’d read about how with dissociative disorders sometimes the “host” identity disappears, and a new one takes over. I don’t know if it was just that fact I recalled sending me into full blown panic, or if that’s actually what was happening, but I don’t think I’d felt that scared in years. It doesn’t help that prior to this I was experiencing weird, sharp pains, dull aches or numbness in parts of my head, that would get especially strong when I was feeling like one of my characters, so that also triggered my health ocd on top of things. I don’t know what I thought was happening but since then I’ve been desperately trying to stay firmly grounded in reality, and anything that involves drifting off from that sends me into panic thinking I’m really not gonna come out the same this time. Sleeping, getting lost in my thoughts, using my imagination to write or draw. I feel like I’m on a ledge holding on. I wake up having panic attacks because I think half my brain is still asleep and I’m really slipping this time, or there’s something really wrong with it. The sharp tingling pain came back yesterday. I get scared any time I hear a voice in my head, terrified if it’s just my imagination or someone or something else. (Even if the “someone” is one of the inner voices I used to trust prior to this spiral.) I don’t even know if it’s a dissociative disorder. Maladaptive daydreaming is also something it could be? I don’t know if that should give me less worry though. Before when I started suspecting I wasn’t alone in my head, I just rolled with it. I had a very “whatever” attitude about my mental health before. Yeah, OCD would get bad at times, but I knew I didn’t have financial means to get professional help so as long as I was still relatively functioning I was fine. But things went downhill, I started feeling like I couldn’t have privacy in my own mind or that I was under constant watch. Now I’m in a state of constant vigilance, scared that if I really let myself relax and go back to daydreaming like I used to I’ll disappear and someone who doesn’t feel like me or remember my life will take my place. Or that something is really wrong with my brain if not that. Sorry if this is out of people on this app’s pay grade or just sounds like nonsensical rambling. I just can’t deal with this fear anymore. I really want to go back to being sure that I’m one, singular person in this body, even if I feel a little bad for it because I felt like I was friends with some of those voices/characters/other identities. In the end I really just want to go back to being functional, and being able to create the way I used to without worry. (It doesn’t help that now I’ve ALSO come down with a cold, and that always makes my brain and thoughts more muddled. Ugh.) I figured MAYBE if this sounds like some kind of OCD at work in any of this, someone on here might be able to help.

Existential OCD

anon7336474864

Date posted: 19h

i hope you get the funds to see a doctor for your head pain and i wish you the best on that! as for the ocd/identity disorder stuff, i want to give some thoughts. i want to state before all of this that i have ocd, but i don’t have any identity disorders. i’ve done pretty minimal research on disorders where people have multiple identities, so my knowledge may just be exclusive to when i was reading informational slideshows and some people i knew with the disorder. that being said, if this is an ocd issue and not actually an identity disorder, i’m pretty sure the way that you recover from an ocd fear of this stuff is considering and accepting the possibility that you not being alone in your head may be happening or it could have happened a bit ago. you want so bad for you to be sure that you’re a singular person in your head, and being unsure about if it’s too late or not can be causing a lot of fear. the not knowing is causing you to panic and can cause ocd to latch onto you and make you spiral because you’re obsessed with a “what if?” (if i’m correct) also, on your fear of being someone who isn’t *you, maybe you could elaborate further on how you don’t feel like yourself?

byrde

Date posted: 18h

@anon7336474864 Thank you for the reply 🫶 Honestly I’m not sure how to describe it when I don’t feel like me. I guess I feel outside my body and thoughts, I wonder if my memories and thoughts are really mine or someone else’s. I stare at family members a long time to make sure I recognize them, I rarely come out 100% sure what the answer is. I start to question if the things I’m doing like art, writing, or watching tv are things I’m actually enjoying, or just me robotically following a routine. That’s the best way I can explain it.

anon7336474864

Date posted: 15h

@byrde - (again, from my limited knowledge,) it sounds like dissociation. i can’t recall the difference from dissociation and DID, but dissociation does include those symptoms. maaaybe a part of it could be ocd, where you’re questioning if you’re enjoying stuff, but mostly i think it’s dissociation

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