Why does ROCD suckkk

I’ve been experiencing an unfamiliar, unsettling feeling when my boyfriend acts sweet or shows effort, especially when I notice him trying to change things. It’s difficult to explain because it doesn’t feel like a clear thought that I don’t want him to improve. It’s more like an internal reaction that suddenly appears, and then I become confused about why I’m reacting that way. I start wondering, “Why don’t I feel happier about this?” or “Why does it feel like I don’t want him to act this way?” Sometimes I miss his teasing and playful personality, but then I question whether it’s more than that. I also notice an urge to start an argument or find something wrong, even though I don’t understand where that urge is coming from. This happened twice yesterday. I can recognize that he’s putting in effort, but my internal reactions don’t always match what I expect to feel.I’ve also been experiencing the familiar breakup feeling again. After therapy, I remembered the previous spirals and how real those feelings seemed. When my therapist questioned something about the situation involving his stepmom and the flowers, I noticed that instead of feeling defensive, I experienced that unsettling breakup feeling and thought, “I don’t want to break up, but I have to.” Later, the sadness from the previous breakup spiral returned, and I felt like crying. I’ve repeatedly told myself things like “I do want to leave him” and “I don’t love him anymore,” sometimes saying them out loud to see whether they feel true or to understand why I’m having these feelings. When I said, “I don’t want him anymore,” I was crying, and it sounded settled to me. That made me question whether I was discovering something about myself or getting deeper into the thoughts through repetition and mental rehearsal.Sometimes I imagine myself crying while explaining everything to my therapist, even when I’m not actually crying. The breakup feeling can become so intense that it feels like I’m physically experiencing heartbreak. I also notice that I act like myself when I’m with my boyfriend, but when I’m alone thinking about what my feelings mean, the uncertainty and breakup feeling become stronger. Even when I’m with him, I sometimes monitor my reactions. I want to understand why my internal feelings seem different from my actual interactions, why I experience unfamiliar annoyance or discomfort, and why the breakup feeling returns so suddenly.