I’ve had a long-standing fear of essentially just not being a good person. Being selfish, or a narcissist, or a sociopath etc etc. But I’ve alllllways thought that the fact that it worries me so much, is proof that it can’t be true. Because bad people don’t worry about being bad. But today I began to wonder if that’s not true. If it’s just an obsession. A way my brain can trick me into compulsions. It doesn’t matter if it’s about being a good person or not, it’s just a fear. Therefore I have no regard to being good or bad, I just don’t want to be anxious. Maybe OCD doesn’t actually attack my morals and values, it just picks anything. I don’t think I’ve worded this right and maybe it all sounds a little bit confusing. But I’m just worried I’m not good at the end of the day.

recently ive been worrying that im ''secretly'' a narcissist and that im accidentally hurting all of my friends. it really doesnt help that i do relate a bit to some narcisstic traits like having an unstable ego/''needing'' validation, although i suspect it comes from a different source for me (like OCD, maybe?). it also hurts because ive been trying to understand more stigmatized disorders like NPD more and learning more about them so that i don't add to the demonization, but i feel like doing so has also instilled the fear into me that im accidentally harming people i care about or that im not actually a ''good person'' like how i like to think of myself

I had a really hard day yesterday. I had a memory come up, of a thought i had years ago, when my OCD was still fairly fresh. I remember that i was fantasizing, and i had a thought pop in of one of my obsessions, and for a second, i think i may have entertained it- maybe even enjoyed it. I talked about this with my first therapist and was able to move past it, but it has remained one of my stickiest and most horrible thoughts. Yesterday i tried to think through it again, and i definitely had an arousal feeling. I have this terrible fear that i could enjoy my obsessions if i just let go. I don’t want to be the kind of person who enjoys these things. I have a life and a family that i love so much, i’m just so deeply afraid of being irreparably evil. I feel like i’ve done something horrible, and that it’s only a matter of time before people find out. I don’t even necessarily know what the thing is that i’m supposed to have done. My brain offers a myriad of options, of course, but i’m usually able to talk myself through them- or when i’m not, have a family member talk me through them. I’m afraid i’m fooling them all. I just want to be a good person, but i feel like such an imposter. I want to be loved so desperately, but i feel like anyone who can find it in themself to love me must be evil too.

I feel like a lot of my fears are actually just centered around what other people think of me because I'm scared of being abandoned and no one loving me anymore. I don't actually feel like my fears are about being a good person. And then when I have this thought it makes me feel even worse because many people here genuinely seem to be scared of being a bad person. I feel like an actual bad person who's more concerned with appearances than anything else :(. I keep having these thoughts like what kind of person am I when I'm alone and with my thoughts. And then I get scared to be alone.