I’ve had a long-standing fear of essentially just not being a good person. Being selfish, or a narcissist, or a sociopath etc etc. But I’ve alllllways thought that the fact that it worries me so much, is proof that it can’t be true. Because bad people don’t worry about being bad. But today I began to wonder if that’s not true. If it’s just an obsession. A way my brain can trick me into compulsions. It doesn’t matter if it’s about being a good person or not, it’s just a fear. Therefore I have no regard to being good or bad, I just don’t want to be anxious. Maybe OCD doesn’t actually attack my morals and values, it just picks anything. I don’t think I’ve worded this right and maybe it all sounds a little bit confusing. But I’m just worried I’m not good at the end of the day.

I honestly can’t tell when thoughts are being affected by OCD. Sometimes I think I have what I think are normal “grey” thoughts, but then OCD adds so much weight to them and I spiral. I had this thought that I wished my boyfriend was more confident or independent. I felt so guilty for thinking it. I told him, and of course it hurt him. He told me it’s a normal thought to have, I just dwell on it too much. And that it’s the kind of thought most people keep to themselves. That’s the thing. I don’t know what’s okay to keep to myself and what isn’t. I think sometimes I say things out loud not just to relieve anxiety, but because I genuinely don’t know what’s okay to think or say. I do not know the line between a normal grey thought and something that’s “bad” to think. I don’t know how to tell if it’s something I should process privately or something I need to be ashamed of. I get this confusion with intrusive thoughts too, but those are easier to spot and evaluate. This is harder, because again, it is *my* thought. That makes it harder to sit with. Maybe the intrusive part is the voice that questions what kind of person I am for even thinking it. I don’t have the same telltale signs anymore. My physical anxiety isn’t there anymore, it’s all in my head and that makes it so much more confusing. But I don’t know. The line between honesty vs compulsion is so blurry. I just feel lost

Input please. Whenever I have a thought or come across something like news about pedophilia or other awful things, I feel like I try to make it okay in my head. Like I am trying to explain it away, excuse it. And when I look at that from a more compassionate lens, I think maybe I am just trying to process something bad. Maybe I am trying to make something horrific feel a little less horrifying so I can keep existing in a world where it happens. Because the truth is, whenever I hear about something terrible, it does not just go away. I do not have that ability to shove it aside and move on. I have to live with it. I carry it. I live my life alongside these awful things that exist. But then, when I look at it through a different lens, it gets darker. Maybe I am not trying to process something bad. Maybe I am actually trying to justify it. Maybe I am trying to convince myself it is not that bad… because deep down I agree with the people who do it. Or maybe I am afraid that if it were not so stigmatized, I would somehow be okay with it. And that thought worries me. I know that why someone holds moral values is not as important as the fact that they do. I know that what matters is your actions and your commitment to being a good person. It still scares me. I keep asking myself: am I trying to justify something awful just so I can mentally survive it, or am I trying to justify something awful because some part of me agrees with it?

Right now I’m obsessing about the meaning of the world evil, and if anyone really is truly “evil”. It started when I was thinking about Judas from the Bible and how I don’t think he is really evil, but a flawed person with flawed thinking that made him make a decision he thought would be for the best. There are tons of people who would call Judas outright evil but is that really the case? Then there’s the case of if anyone is really evil in the first place. Take the most heinous act you can think of, there must be some underlying problem that is making this person do what they do. The action itself is evil but is the person also “evil” as a result or just really flawed. My ocd is trying to make me think I’m defending these people or actions by saying all this, but I know that’s not the case. I’m not sure if my ocd is making me think about this in the first place though. I definitely overthink a lot and it ends up with me thinking about all these philosophical ideas, but maybe that’s just who I am and not a result of ocd. Sometimes my ocd really makes me feel the need to find an answer, which is really hard to do with topics like these, so I suspect it plays some role.