- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
Same girl same I feel you
- Date posted
- 5y
I know, everyone with hocd can relate and omg i cant understand why it takes this long. Why isnt there an end? Cant we just turn better overtime? I havent heard anyone with hocd say: yall dont worry this will pass in time you will be normal again this is temporary just wait it goes away naturally... never did i hear that. My future is so unsure. My life is a mess i used to have my shit figured out. Im growing into someone who im not suppose to be. Im so different than my hocd i am so much more without my hocd. I hate that i dont have acces to the real me with hocd and ugh tbh it feels like this shit gon be here forever.. im missing out on all the beauty of life im missing out on real life. I cant i feel so useless and not alive i wanna be productive, happy, in love i wanna feel human emotions.
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- 5y
@hocdgirlsummer I can relate. I remembered my past and I found evidences which somehow are leading me to believe I really am bisexual. Now I have a feeling I want to be with both guys and girls but the odd thing is I never had explicit fantasies about girls and it's confusing me. Problem is I don't got no attraction to boys and that fact hurts. I'm scared if I say I'm bi I'll end up becoming a lesbian in the future which means my dreams are gonna be gone. But one thing I had realized even before HOCD is that im probably not completely straight. :(
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- 5y
@chamomile Like I had realized I'm not completely straight but since I never had any sexual feelings for girls, I always have and even now identify as straight.
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- 5y
@chamomile Okay so i watched porn and got turned on by woman. So then i said to myself lol later in life i might be gay or watever but i loved guys too much so idk i just said that and wasnt afraid because i still had my attraction to boys. So I didnt had in mind what losing my attraction to men would do. That basically made my life and soul collapse because im not used to it and girls dont fill in the void that losing my attraction to guys made in me. So now i feel empty. And the part where i told myself before hocd im probably gonna find out im gay later in life haunts me because i thought i was joking around w myself or maybe i wasnt but nun of this false attraction go girls i like. I didnt realise how straight i was until hocd. I realised all the things i didnt see in woman that i now do and i dont even enjoy them, they give me anxiety. But I thoight i was gonna realise i was gay bc i liked woman in porn but apparently thats a very normal and common thing and i didnt knew. Now i hate that i told myself i was gonna find out im gay later in life bc i think thats where things kinda started slowely blossom into hocd
- Date posted
- 5y
@hocdgirlsummer Damn...mine is almost similar to you but the thing is I knew I had an attraction for very boyish looking females so I never minded it. I watched porn too and I had the exact same thought as you. But again I was like "Ew wtf? Hell no, I like being bi". But also during this time I was low key scared of being secretly gay but I didn't pay attention to my thoughts. This is when my HOCD started blooming but my dumbass didn't realise. I had a crush on a fictional character when I was 9 or sum, so I didn't have much problem being bi. But I knew I liked guys more than girls. Now I'm not sure...Ive lost my attraction to boys and I feel like I should be with a woman though I don't want to
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- 5y
@chamomile But even then I identified as straight and still do since I didn't have much evidence except that one crush on a female anime character
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- 5y
@chamomile Another thing I never meantioned is I found lesbian porn I was more aroused by it rather than straight porn which scares me a lot. Not to say I've also masturbated to lesbian porn :(
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- 5y
@chamomile Honestly same.. but there r more girls like this for sure who get turned on by woman porn. If u look it up theres a lot of it on the internet. I never had a crush on a girl but witb hocd i feel like im capable of havinf a crush on a girl and thats what i fear the most
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- 5y
@hocdgirlsummer I had a crush on an androgynous fiction female character from a cartoon and I looked her up and my feelings came back. I'm feeling joy in imagining her but not boys which is the sex I primarily always thought about. I wanna cry and roll in my bed. I want to get attracted to boys so badly or at least not be numb to the thoughts about them. I can't fantasize nor do I feel any joy in it. I honestly feel I'm gay whenever I tell myself I'm bisexual. Feels like I'm denying myself being gay. It's so confusing. I don't want to be gay or be primarily attracted to women
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- 5y
@chamomile But u feel happy Towards the androgynous person right? Do u lable that character as boy or girl? Also who is it lol
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- 5y
@hocdgirlsummer Yes and I feel warm inside. No, but since she looks like a boy, I like her more. The character is Haruka Tenou :)
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- 5y
Dude yes. I used to love like Six Flags and shit like that, it’s all ruined. I can’t walk around the park all day my OCD is constant. I have magical thinking and it REALLY fucks the whole day up
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- 5y
I know i hate it so much because all my friends r still themselves and they all do fun stuff and i want to hav fun w them too but i rlly gotta dip bevause im afraid i feel numb and wont have fun which also wouldve happened if i wouldve gone.. i just hate the place im in rn
Related posts
- Date posted
- 23w
just crying cause i feel like im never going to recover and just have to be lesbian, even tho i love my boyfriend so much. thoughts don’t even give me anxiety anymore idk what to do, im just so done, feel like it’s all real and that i want it(when i dont). any tips or anything, idk how to keep going
- Date posted
- 19w
I feel different from others, I don’t feel as feminine and I feel like I’ve changed. I’m not sure why I feel this way. I also don’t think my ocd is ocd, it’s just something I told myself to feel better. I know! What if I am what if I’m not, I get it, but I don’t feel like i have a choice in the matter anymore. I have soocd and it’s eaten me alive for years. I woke up out of my sleep and got triggered and here I am. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I always wanted a boyfriend and now It seemed to change. I don’t want a girlfriend, it’s just that I don’t see anything for myself and I feel like I’m hiding. It’s hard to explain. Plus sometimes the way I move or speak makes me feel more masculine and it kills me. Im feeling so lost and alone right now. I know what I want deep down but I feel incapable of having those things because I won’t be able to have feeling. If that makes sense.
- Date posted
- 19w
i’ve been dealing with SOCD for 5 years and truly believe it has altered my life completely😀. i haven’t been properly diagnosed but the child therapist I had when i was in hs kind of hinted to me i had something more than just plain anxiety. i’ve also dealt with intrusive thoughts all throughout my childhood and as my family life got worse my anxiety got worse annnd i started getting more and more thoughts that wouldn’t leave me. I remember spending months not swallowing right and practically starving myself bc i kept thinking i was going to choke. i also rmbr spending months worrying ab death and dying EVERYDAY. it woke up with horrible anxiety and it was all i could think about. i can still rmbr sitting in my grandpas chair and just staring off and thinking “im going to die one day” “idk what’s going to happen” “is god real” “i don’t want to die” “what if there is no heaven” and so on. when the socd thoughts started i was 15. i searched around online for help and found reddit and i was like “omg yes finally people who understand and are going through EXACTLY what im going through.” finding that community and this app has helped me so much. anyway i had such a horrible time during my teenage years bc of all the intrusive thoughts about my sexuality, my relationship (glad that’s over), and some other things here and there. i was so so depressed and i felt no one around me understood how fucking awful i felt. i woke up everyday anxious, depressed, numb, and exhausted. when i started college i told my old therapist that even tho im extremely afraid of death i just didnt like living. i would cry in my car before class and just sob ab how awful i felt. although my mental health has gotten SO much better as time went on and the thoughts haven’t been as frequent im definitely not doing well. i am literally stuck. i’m still in college but i don’t know what to do with myself. those years of anxiety and depression have left me STUCK. im so much happier? and i can manage the thoughts way better but i don’t want to do anything. i only talk to 2 friends (literally lost so many great friendships), i RARELY drive bc im afraid ill die in a car crash (only to school and back), i don’t go out, i don’t ask for help at school, i avoid conversations, i avoid ppl in general, i don’t put in that much effort into school, i don’t have hobbies, i don’t want to do anything, i literally have the worst social anxiety now, im afraid of everything. i feel like the only reason im “ok” now is bc i’ve avoided literally everything. i’ve basically spent three years of my life doing nothing. i’m not happy with where i am in my life but im so scared to do anything. i miss who i was before all of this. i’ve been dealing with anxiety all my life and ik my childhood and early teen years made me like this. i didn’t know how to deal with the things i went through/saw as a little kid and i guess everything exploded in my teen years. but i want to be better i want to start LIVING. i’m definitely happier than before but im not living. what frustrates me is i refuse to do anything about it. i know a big reason why i don’t experience as many intrusive thoughts is bc i avoid everything 😭. ik what i have to do to get better and turn my life around BUT I WONT DO ANYTHING. idk how to explain this but its not laziness i feel like my body is exhausted. i think im just so traumatized from feeling so fucking horrible for so many years i just shut down ykwim?? i don’t have any libido, i don’t find ppl attractive, i can’t get myself to do the things im interested in (so many books r piled on my floor), i rot all day, i push off my responsibilities till the last minute, i can’t even get myself to go on a small walk. i don’t know where i was going w this but if someone who’s going through the same thing sees this ur not alone. i just needed to get this out. hopefully one day things will get better.
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