I just cant, who else just cant have fun? Like music friends and a party or sum doesnt get me in that mood anymore its just all the same feeling with hocd it gets sooo tiring like im mf done im so done i wanna feel shit again.. i aint even living at all im not living.

I know, everyone with hocd can relate and omg i cant understand why it takes this long. Why isnt there an end? Cant we just turn better overtime? I havent heard anyone with hocd say: yall dont worry this will pass in time you will be normal again this is temporary just wait it goes away naturally... never did i hear that. My future is so unsure. My life is a mess i used to have my shit figured out. Im growing into someone who im not suppose to be. Im so different than my hocd i am so much more without my hocd. I hate that i dont have acces to the real me with hocd and ugh tbh it feels like this shit gon be here forever.. im missing out on all the beauty of life im missing out on real life. I cant i feel so useless and not alive i wanna be productive, happy, in love i wanna feel human emotions.

@hocdgirlsummer I can relate. I remembered my past and I found evidences which somehow are leading me to believe I really am bisexual. Now I have a feeling I want to be with both guys and girls but the odd thing is I never had explicit fantasies about girls and it's confusing me. Problem is I don't got no attraction to boys and that fact hurts. I'm scared if I say I'm bi I'll end up becoming a lesbian in the future which means my dreams are gonna be gone. But one thing I had realized even before HOCD is that im probably not completely straight. :(

@chamomile Like I had realized I'm not completely straight but since I never had any sexual feelings for girls, I always have and even now identify as straight.

@chamomile Okay so i watched porn and got turned on by woman. So then i said to myself lol later in life i might be gay or watever but i loved guys too much so idk i just said that and wasnt afraid because i still had my attraction to boys. So I didnt had in mind what losing my attraction to men would do. That basically made my life and soul collapse because im not used to it and girls dont fill in the void that losing my attraction to guys made in me. So now i feel empty. And the part where i told myself before hocd im probably gonna find out im gay later in life haunts me because i thought i was joking around w myself or maybe i wasnt but nun of this false attraction go girls i like. I didnt realise how straight i was until hocd. I realised all the things i didnt see in woman that i now do and i dont even enjoy them, they give me anxiety. But I thoight i was gonna realise i was gay bc i liked woman in porn but apparently thats a very normal and common thing and i didnt knew. Now i hate that i told myself i was gonna find out im gay later in life bc i think thats where things kinda started slowely blossom into hocd

@hocdgirlsummer Damn...mine is almost similar to you but the thing is I knew I had an attraction for very boyish looking females so I never minded it. I watched porn too and I had the exact same thought as you. But again I was like "Ew wtf? Hell no, I like being bi". But also during this time I was low key scared of being secretly gay but I didn't pay attention to my thoughts. This is when my HOCD started blooming but my dumbass didn't realise. I had a crush on a fictional character when I was 9 or sum, so I didn't have much problem being bi. But I knew I liked guys more than girls. Now I'm not sure...Ive lost my attraction to boys and I feel like I should be with a woman though I don't want to

@chamomile But even then I identified as straight and still do since I didn't have much evidence except that one crush on a female anime character

@chamomile Another thing I never meantioned is I found lesbian porn I was more aroused by it rather than straight porn which scares me a lot. Not to say I've also masturbated to lesbian porn :(

@chamomile Honestly same.. but there r more girls like this for sure who get turned on by woman porn. If u look it up theres a lot of it on the internet. I never had a crush on a girl but witb hocd i feel like im capable of havinf a crush on a girl and thats what i fear the most

@hocdgirlsummer I had a crush on an androgynous fiction female character from a cartoon and I looked her up and my feelings came back. I'm feeling joy in imagining her but not boys which is the sex I primarily always thought about. I wanna cry and roll in my bed. I want to get attracted to boys so badly or at least not be numb to the thoughts about them. I can't fantasize nor do I feel any joy in it. I honestly feel I'm gay whenever I tell myself I'm bisexual. Feels like I'm denying myself being gay. It's so confusing. I don't want to be gay or be primarily attracted to women

@chamomile But u feel happy Towards the androgynous person right? Do u lable that character as boy or girl? Also who is it lol

@hocdgirlsummer Yes and I feel warm inside. No, but since she looks like a boy, I like her more. The character is Haruka Tenou :)

I know i hate it so much because all my friends r still themselves and they all do fun stuff and i want to hav fun w them too but i rlly gotta dip bevause im afraid i feel numb and wont have fun which also wouldve happened if i wouldve gone.. i just hate the place im in rn