Hi! So.. My OCD brain is of the Pure O variety and I’ve been dealing with it since childhood, I’m 43 now. Never diagnosed because of a few reasons.. 1. I felt very anxious, with a side of shame and embarrassment about confiding to anyone about it because the topics my intrusive thoughts were very disturbing to me and the last thing I wanted was for others to misunderstand and misjudge me as some deviant freak that should be locked up someplace before I did something horrible. Not many people understand that OCD is a bioneurological condition of the Amygdala malfunctioning and misfiring signals of fight / flight and the rest of the brain responds by pairing these misfirings with some really disturbing repetitive cognitions. The combination of these misfirings and cognitions really fucked me up. At a very young age (pre-puberty) I already started to build a narrative about myself that was dark, scary and wholly untrue but no matter how I “fought back”, prayed and rationalized the thoughts and horrible feelings away the stronger the signals would come and the cognitions even more vivid. I’m time I learned how to cope as best I could and for the most part with lots of distractions and friends to run around with I was able to “get by”. I had. I idea what what was going on with me but I was very acutely aware that I was battling for my sanity and soul against a ritual screwing inside and that ink I and I alone can fight it. I had my good days and bad days.. But as life went in and I grew older the symptoms still persisted and eventually I developed a real deal anxiety and depression disorder. This on top of all the external stuff going on in my life that I had little to no control over which was just like gas in a fire. I escaped with drugs, alcohol and creating a persona to get by with socially so no one would ever have to know what was going on inside. Fast forward many years later to current day and I’ve had it all and lost it all.. Good women, loving relationships, jobs, career, education, friendships, you name it.. I fell so deep into isolation, avoidance of everyday life because I felt so debilitated and worn out. The past few years have been a long hard road to recovery but I wasn’t going to give up. The choice was literally life or death.. I had contemplated suicide many times but thankfully never went through with it. I have too much to live for.. my son, my family and the dreams and desires for ring my best authentic self shined through the darkness and lit a fire within me to do as much investigation and research as I possible could about anxiety disorders, depression and OCD. I also began to tap into my spiritual aspect through meditation and eastern philosophy. I’m now very educated on meditation, mindfulness, CBT and presently learning about ERP. The YouTube channel The OCD Stories with Dr. Steven Phillipson and the works of Dr. David Burns and Dr. Aaron Beck the founders of CBT have been extraordinarily inspirational and relieving. I finally know that I am not alone and what I’ve been going through is NOT uniquely something isolated to myself. That there are many who have felt the same ways and been through similar experiences. All I ever wanted and all I want is to be my best authentic self. Live a healthy, successful, happy and fulfilling life. The only thing holding me back from any of this I now have a name for: Pure O. And now I have all the information and tools to survive and thrive like I always knew I could if I just had the information I needed. Anyways.. CBT thought journaling is something I do everyday and it has been a real help in increasing my objective thinking resulting in real positive changes and rising energy levels and focus. I’ve been learning about ERP through Dr. Steven Phillipson and this is a real life changer as well! The present and future are now bright my friends. Now I just want to have a OCD trained therapist to work with and I’ll be fully armed with everything I need to stay healthy and happy. So.. yeah. That’s pretty much it in a nutshell. All the best to all of you for achieving your goals and taking the power back! Much love.