I have BPD on top of OCD and had a falling out with a best friend of 10 years. I have friends who say she’ll come back she just needs time and after a while I started giving her her space. Either way she recently blocked me on everything except Facebook and another website, instead she kept me as a friend on some things and just made it where I can’t see her stuff. (I wasn’t trying to really look just check to see if she removed me on those as well) and ever since then I kinda went back to square one where I was mentally a couple months ago. My OCD keeps making me think of every terrible thing I’ve ever done in my life- especially in my teen years. I’m on social media quite a bit especially because I’m an artist and need to post on social media to get my stuff out there, and I constantly think what if people find out bad things about me? What if I get some terrible call out post? What if I’m a horrible person deep down? If it’s not one thing it’s another thing. Like one day I’ll be obsessing about my best friend and I’s relationship or our roleplay we had for a decade and the times we’ve rpd sexual things and my brain is like what if she was uncomfortable with it and never told me??? Next day I’ll be obsessing about my real life friends and how they say really bad bad things politically. And then the next day after that I’ll obsess about a relationship I had online when I had just turned 17, and I didn’t know how old the person was and they go on to tell me like a month or two later “I’ll be 14 in 2 months” and asked if I was mad and over the years therapists had given me reassurance that I didn’t do anything wrong even tho I told them this person and I even role played once I don’t know. I don’t wanna do wrong and I know people make mistakes in their lives I just wish I could redo life a lot of the time. I’m 23 now and I feel guilt and cringe at every stupid thing I’ve ever done. I end up feeling sorry for myself a lot of the time and end up self loathing and wondering the purpose of continuing to go on in life. I’m a perfectionist. I’m depressed. I can’t even find a job that’ll work with me. I also possibly have ptsd and autism and I can’t even get to a therapist. My old therapy place won’t take me back either and I don’t have a car to get to the other therapy place. I just want a normal life. I want a normal life. This is such a ramble. I just feel so scared and depressed all the time even when I take my medication. I feel like I’m not allowed to enjoy anything, I feel like I’m not allowed to live my life because I hurt someone I love. I keep switching emotions from guilt to anger at her. My friends are getting tired of my shenanigans again because I was ok for a while but then when I was blocked just randomly my mood just dropped again.

Yeah it’s hard to talk about too cause so many people stereotype bpd people. Bpd ruined my relationships and it sucks. BPD and OCD and then the possible ptsd and autism is not a fun combo at all.

@Mars Yeah it seems to have some really unfair stereotypes tbh. Hats why I don’t really wanna know for definite if I DO have it cuz I don’t want to be branded the bad things people say online Whether I do or don’t have bpd tho I know they aren’t accurate stereotypes so don’t worry I got your back ? I have taken a few online tests and I do find I resonate a lot with it

@uwotm8 I got diagnosed in 2019 after the falling out with my best friend because it landed me in the hospital. The guy who checked me out to get inpatient diagnosed me apparently, which it’s like you can’t rly diagnose someone that first time you meet them? But then my actual psyche at the time asked me questions and I had like all 9 main symptoms. It really sucks too, it’s hard to handle relationships with people and that and ocd make me feel like such a horrendous person that I tend to isolate myself quite a lot.

@Mars Aw god I’m so sorry I hope you’re gonna feel better soon ? I don’t know how it works tbh. I haven’t even been to see anyone about it, I just identify SEVERELY with the abandonment fear, I have empty low feelings constantly, I feel anger but it’s directed inward towards myself, (quiet borderline maybe?) I think I get the dissociation but I’m unsure. I think I’m a terrible useless worthless person and a huge burden and I constantly think I need to apologise and check people like me ESPECIALLY my partner because I need to prove I’m not gonna be ditched I very often think “of I’m abandoned I don’t know what else to do other than kill myself” I don’t wanna do that but I don’t know how else you deal with that? I’ve had it once and it nearly ruined me so I don’t wanna have to deal with that again. I think my ex triggered this in me tbh. It was BRUTAL. I didn’t see it coming

I was abandoned by my ex after ten years with absolutely no warning He carried on sleeping with me saying he loved me etc then kicked me out. He avoided me by disappearing to a foreign county with rent money I continued to pay (cuz I thought he would change his mind and have me back) but he also cheated on me and moved others in and I only found out when I went to collect my things and he wasn’t there. I lost ten pounds in a week, did loads of cocaine and I had a severe reaction to stress where my face swelled up and I was covered in a rash head to toe I told him I felt like dying but I didn’t even mean it in a manipulative way I honestly didn’t know what to do and he was the only support I had since a child. After all of the above tho I told HIM to drop dead lol ? I hate his fucking guts now Now I’m terrified my partner will leave me all the time. I never had warning signs before right? So why should I relax now? So I see EVERYTHING AS A SIGN! No kiss on a text? Leaving me Bit distant? Omg he’s gonna leave me o need to check bad mood? Must be my fault I need to check and apologise He’s gonna leave me for someone better and I hate myself What if I have an undetected std and he thinks I heated and leaves me? WhT if I infected myself? JUST DONT leave me lol ?

Thing is too is I’m grieving other things as well from childhood to my mother with Alzheimer’s and 3 years later I’m still grieving my grandmother so it added onto the grief and with everything mashed together I’m like whoo man :’^)