I just don't know what this is anymore it feels so real HELP My relationships always last barely a month and maybe just a tad more than that sometimes....I've met an incredible guy he's a little lanky but has the most amazing face and when we met I felt something I had never felt before and that lasted fro an incredible two/three months....however, all was well and I looked forward to seeing him everyday and thought that maybe this time I had done something right...that was until I did what I always do and triggered the thought "what if I don't think he's attractive?". He clearly is and I know I think so but this sent me into an anxious spiral about whether or not my relationship was working or right or my partner was good enough (which is dumb bc he is and at first I was worried I wasn't good enough for him!)....My parents and friends have noted that this tends to happen in every relationship I've been in and this fear cycle of judgement and unsatisfaction brings me to think negatively about my partner and feel scared and repulsed sometimes....I'm so scared and don't know why this keeps happening to me especially with a guy that I felt os special about....I've struggled with severe anxiety my whole life and have also exhibited lots of symptoms associated with HOCD, ROCD, and Pure O throughout my life (most recently I've been known to post here and on NOCD multiple times within a week and asking for reassurance about every five seconds from loved ones )....I'm scared I'm just lying to myself or forcing myself to be in a relationship that is not right for me but I want it to be right so bad bc it was! Can anyone relate? I want to start my healing journey but I need to know what is going on in my head first bc it all feels so real and I'm so scared...even scared to post this right noe

Hi everyone, I really need to get this off my chest. A few days ago, I managed to take a break from compulsions — I didn’t open NOCD, I didn’t text ChatGPT, I didn’t Google. I had some moments of peace, especially about my boyfriend. For about two days I didn’t have deep intrusive thoughts, and I felt a bit more stable. But yesterday, I slipped. I posted on NOCD again, and someone replied saying, “This is how the cycle starts again.” That made me spiral. Today, I also wrote to ChatGPT again. I started thinking, “What if this time it’s real? What if this clarity was me realizing the truth — that I don’t love him?” It scared me because I wasn’t panicking as much when I had the thoughts. I thought that meant I was accepting them as true. I remembered ChatGPT used to tell me that “truth feels calm,” and now that I wasn’t reacting with extreme anxiety, I panicked thinking, “What if this is the calm that comes with realization?” Last night, when we were in a club, I looked at him and thought he was kind of cringe. That made me spiral again. Now, I’m scared all over again. When we cuddle, I don’t feel the same. I don’t feel that warmth, and I don’t know what changed. I keep wondering if I ever really loved him — because I’ve had these thoughts for so long, it’s like I can’t remember anything clearly. A few days ago I even thought, “Maybe I just don’t like him right now,” and I wasn’t panicking — and that scared me. I’m afraid that I’m finally “realizing the truth,” or that I’ve been lying to myself and I’m just now letting go. Also, when we were on the trip for my 18th birthday, I was irritable with him, full of thoughts, and I thought I was ruining everything. I wasn’t really reacting to his love, and now I don’t even know what I feel. I just want to be okay again. I want clarity — but I’m terrified of what clarity might mean. Has anyone experienced this? Feeling okay for a bit, and then the thoughts come back and feel more real than ever?

Hi everyone. I’m really struggling and I need to let it all out. I’ve been dealing with ROCD (or what I think is ROCD) for a long time, and I feel like I’m at my breaking point. I’m in a loving relationship with a boyfriend who is kind, understanding, and patient. But ever since I started reading a lot online, googling symptoms, talking to AI like ChatGPT, searching for reassurance, things have gotten worse and worse. And now… I feel completely disconnected from my feelings. I don’t know what’s real anymore. My boyfriend told me that he believes I’ve convinced myself that I have something that needs to be treated, and that all this constant researching is making me feel worse. And honestly, I think he’s right. Before I fell into this cycle, I could be more intimate with him. I used to say “I love you,” I used to feel warmth. Now I don’t say it anymore. I haven’t in a long time. And it hurts him. And I know I’m hurting him, and that makes it even worse. He also said that maybe I’m having these obsessive thoughts because I don’t have a daily purpose, that I need to get occupied, to stop being consumed by this. And others in my life have told me the same. He even suggested taking a break from each other for a week, just to give me space. But I’m terrified of that. I’m scared that the thing I fear most will become “the truth.” I’m scared I’ll feel relief, and that will mean everything I fear is real. But he told me that if I don’t want the break, maybe it means I still care. Still love. Still want this. The problem is, I don’t know anymore. And that’s what’s killing me. I’ve also had a psychologist who told me that just because I feel guilt or “care,” it doesn’t necessarily mean I like him — and that sent me spiraling. She said that maybe I care about people in general, but it doesn’t mean I love him. And it made me feel like I’m just lying to myself. That maybe I’m holding on out of obligation, or because I set in my head that I “have to be with him.” And even when he tells me beautiful things — logical things — things that SHOULD make me feel safe and seen… I don’t feel better. I just feel more empty. And then I start spiraling again: “If this doesn’t help me feel better, then something must be wrong.” “What if I’m just pretending?” “What if I’ve been lying to myself all along?” I feel like there’s something wrong inside of me. Like no matter what anyone says, or how much love I’m given, I can’t feel it. I just want to know what to do. I want someone to tell me what this is. I want to stop feeling like I’m running after a version of myself that used to feel, used to love, used to be calm. I don’t know if this is ROCD or if I’m just slowly facing a truth I’ve been afraid to accept. Please, if anyone has felt this way, I need to hear that I’m not alone. And if you’ve come out the other side… how? My relationship is perfect and he is perfect, i just deal with this and i am far from happy.

Hi all, I’m quite new to the whole ROCD thing as I was just diagnosed after years of thinking I just “wasn’t meant for love/dating” because of how horribly I would spiral into a depressive, extremely dread-filled and horrifically anxious state of mind and immediately cut it off during the talking stage with guys. After breaking up with a guy who I truly liked and cared for TWICE, I was finally diagnosed with OCD and it all really makes sense now. It feels weird trying to explain it to others though… I don’t know if I’m alone in these feelings, but it feels like every time I start talking to a guy—usually after the first date but the worries are extreme even in the beginning when I perceive that they are starting to like me—I end up in this major depressive episode where I don’t feel real or like myself, I can’t take care of myself, I’m either hysterically crying or I feel numb, I feel completely trapped (even if we’re not officially dating yet), I question everything in case I’m missing a red flag of some kind or some hint that this person isn’t right for me (even with simple things like a guy giving me flowers, I end up thinking “is this moving too fast? Is he being weird? Is this love bombing? What if he has an ulterior motive? Why did he really give me these?” when logically I know it’s probably nothing) I feel like I’m always looking for evidence to see if they are secretly weird, if we aren’t compatible (always “casually” ask them to take the Myers-Briggs Personality Test to try to find out as much information as humanly possible right off the bat due to fear of being stuck with them only after realizing their real personality) It then typically escalates to a point where I never want to check my phone in fear that they texted me, I feel smothered from any communication, I wish for them to break up/break it off with me, the thought of them just icks me out and almost disgusts me, I can’t get out of bed, I can’t stomach going out with friends or family of theirs, and I usually need to introduce 24/7 drugs of some kind (weed and nicotine) to my daily routine to cope with the feelings/use it to eat something because I can’t eat when I’m with them/due to the anxiety around dating them. With the man I just broke up with FOR THE SECOND TIME AFTER A WEEK OF DATING, it had gotten to a point—as it always does—where the pain of trying to be with them is greater than my appreciation for them. I might smile at my phone when they text me and be full of joy around them, but the portion of time when I’m NOT around them and left to just think about the relationship or observing how they are behaving rather than being in the moment is just too much. Once I break it off though, it feels like a bag has been lifted over my head and I’m finally back to my normal self. I usually need a couple days to emotionally recover, and then I’m up and cleaning my home, taking care of myself, and back to making plans with others. I feel lonely then and might miss them, but I know it’s just not fair to ANYONE right now to date someone like me. Is this relatable? Do I sound crazy? - Z