Today was good. I was walking through paris i didnt experienced any hocd execpt a bit when i saw gay men couples but i knew that wasnt me. So yeah everything good. I got into the appartament and i started massaging my back and suddenly i thought what if a men would massage me and it didnt bother me but it wasnt any sexual but still after 3 sec i got hocd i got triggered then i went to bathroom i wanted to masturbate thinkin at a girl to idk just reassure myself and be better. As i was doin it the image of our driver doing it for me GOD I CANT SAY IT EVEN god and please help me I thought I like it and i was ok lets give it a chance (HOW DA FUCK COULD I DO SUCH A THING GOD!!!!!) so I thought and idk it felt like a dark power all i saw was a big man who was doin it for me. After 8 secs of thinkin It came from the deps of my soul the biggest regret the biggest sadness depression anxiety you name it every bad feeling HOW COULD I THINK AT SUCH A THING HOW PLEASE TELL ME HOW. WHY WOULD I ENJOY IT. i stopped and i was kinda approaching of ejacuating and I thought of a girl and yeah for moment felt but good but i was already turn on. Anyway after ejaculation i thought again about i thought. I had the biggest sadness ever felt i started crying in the mirror. IM NOT THIS I DONT WANT THIS .. god .. GOD PLEASE someone please write me what s wrong with me why do i have such thoughts what should i do. Thinking that i will be somehow touched by a man makes me wanna be swollen by the earth and hide .. I feel like a priceless piece of shit..

Sexual Orientation OCD

prabhjot

Date posted: 5y

Firstly,my English is not very good. But,I would try my best to answer your question. I am a girl. And almost 1 month ago,I suffered from HOCD.it made my life so difficult.what is happening to you seems the signs of ocd to me.Do you really want to be with a man?are you sexually or romantically attracted to any of who is same sex of you. If no. Then u are not gay. According to me,HOCD can make you think anything that u are uncomfortable with. For example:you don’t want to be gay and while mastributing,u saw your driver doing it for u.These are the unwanted images. But actually ,u don’t want to do it.so I think u are not gay. To go into detail. I would like to suggest u a site. Google. Moodsmith Hocd. That really made me feel good. The man described everything very nicely. I would still say that u are not gay. Ur Mind is playing tricks

Ionut

Date posted: 5y

Nah it s ok thanks i know im not gay cause you know i would do it with girls and i get aroused with girls and i feel comfortable thinkin about having sex with girls. SO IN THE WORST CASE im heteromantic bisexual i mean IM SURE I DONT WANT TO KISS OR HOLD HANDS WITG MEN . Idk hocd hits when my self esteem is low and i feel cornered and a bit scared (airports and when i travel in unknown cities) it s like this little voice ( you are here to be the one who stays down you aren’t strong you are inferior you should be dominated there is no escape ) i think this is somehow related to childhood when my father used to abuse my mother and me screaming and sometimes beating us so idk it s like a little chip implented in my brain which sometimes activates.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond