Four years ago I started dating my bf when we were sophomores in high school. I am now a sophomore in college. My bf has some issues and would randomly start ignoring me but as he got closer to me, he stopped isolating himself. In the beginning of our relationship we engaged in some sexual activity and sexting. I was not used to it at all having never had a bf or been exposed to anything sexual before. A couple times we did sex acts in bathrooms or in my house. These events were not forced but I really felt pressured to do them. When my parents found my phone full of dirty talk it was extremely embarrassing. So the reason I give this background information is that I think it affected me sexually. I am still with the same boyfriend and we have grown very close. He always tries to make me comfortable and feels horrible that I have been deeply affected by the texts and bathroom incidents. Now I tend to avoid sex as much as I can and have a low sex drive. Earlier in the relationship I also noticed kissing started to feel different and I don’t know if that’s because ocd was making me overthink but to this day I always think should kissing feel like this. Anyway so I value this relationship so much taut in high school I would feel very very guilty when I even looked at another guy. I would have to confess to my bf. Eventually I was able to break that constant cycle of looking at a guy or thinking about one and then guilt and confess. What came next though was the thought that maybe I like women. At first it didn’t bother me much but now it is much worse. If I look at a women I don’t always confess but feel like I am living a lie by being with my bf. What makes it worse is the evidence I use to reason that it’s true. In the last year or so I am obsessed with looking at how pretty girls are on ig wnd in real life. I feel like I notice them and their looks so much more now. Also the fact that I am not rlly into sex seems like evidence that maybe it’s because u like girls. My attraction for my bf has gone down a lot and it wasn’t always like that. The kissing is an example. It was great in the beginning and now I just feel like it’s a lie. I know reassurance is not allowed but can anyone relate. I feel like I’m secretly lesbian and I’m just comfortable with my bf and don’t want to let him go for that reason. But I love him and these thoughts are driving me insane. I also worry am I just blaming ocd and I actually shouldn’t be with him and that I’m gay.

Sexual Orientation OCD

m1234

Date posted: 5y

Hi there! I completely understand how you feel. I struggled with the same thing and still am. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years and am madly in love with him. I can’t imagine a life without him. However, I have these HOCD thoughts that just don’t make sense. The reason why you notice everything more now is because your brain is hyper focused and hyper aware of this fear. You’re signaling to your brain that it is a real threat by all these mental compulsions (ruminating, mentally analyzing etc.). It’s normal for your attraction to go down when you’re experiencing such anxiety with this theme of OCD. You’re focused on it a lot too which makes it even worse. What I would suggest is opening up to someone you trust. Find a therapist in your area that specializes in OCD. If you can’t there’s so many places that do online therapy (OCD LA). Hang in there you will pull through this even though it doesn’t seem like it.

dasilva1212

Date posted: 5y

Thank you so much for replying. I really appreciate it.? I think I am going to try a therapist specializing in ocd. I have a general therapist but she doesn’t seem so concerned with the OCD aspect. I asked her what she thought and she says I don’t rlly have compulsions so she isn’t sure. That’s what retriggered all this. But I have many symptoms of different types of ocd so I think someone who specializes would be better suited to understand me. Thank you again and wishing happiness for you too!

m1234

Date posted: 5y

@dasilva1212 Of course!! I was seeing a general therapist before I even had HOCD I was just struggling with ROCD. She was actually the one who triggered it for me too. You’re taking the steps in the right direction! If you ever need to talk lmk! I know exactly how you feel?

dasilva1212

Date posted: 5y

Also I did ERP and I stopped worrying for a long time but I feel like it’sactually never really left and has just been in the back of my mind

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond