I feel like i have gone insane. Sometimes when im just sitting with friends and theyre talking about stuff thats so pure and so normal to talk about and to think that thats all whats on their mind, i feel disgusted by myself. How did i get like this. I feel like im the psychopath person in my own skin when i sit with them. They talk about all this innocent things and i used to be like that too. I remember the days where i would think like a normal person and i cant tell by the way they communicate they dont have any weird thoughts or something that keeps them from being excited about their future. All the digusting thoughts in my head make me feel like im sick. Like im a psychopath like i am one of those crazy in their head persons. I just dont feel like a normal teenagergirl anymore and i miss having that lovely life i used To have. Being excited for the future, wanting to party and go out with boys. All those desires i dont have anymore and i want them back so bad because it made me happy.I have friends and they say theyre depressed which i do believe because some are on medication and stuff but they always have hope in the future. but for me its the whole future that scares me. I hate that i cant be myself and that i wont be the happy me when i grow up because thats litteraly living im gonna miss out on. Im litteraly gonna miss all the things i used to be so excitedd for. I cant even remember what those things are because all thats on my mind is this trash. I just need my innocent soul back, i feel like im poisoned with the thoughts ive had. Theyll never go

Hey, I know exactly how you feel. But I want to say, they probably all do have thoughts they just act like they don’t. I have been friends with someone for 3 years who has had the same thoughts as me (hocd) for just as long, and we finally opened up to eachother about it. We both still stress about it. Trust me it’s a lot more common than you’d think haha. But I understand what it’s like to miss your innocence. I have hocd and I hate it, I don’t even know what to think about anymore when I’m not thinking about obsessive intrusive thoughts (they make me so uncomfortable and I hate them sm lol). But I’m trying to trust that it’s OCD and not actually me even if my head goes “what if this is actually you??” And I freak tf out but I sit there with it. And I completely lost myself when my ex completely left my life, but he’s back as an acquaintance now and we have small conversations and it feels like a part of me that I’d been missing is back as well as the new, stronger and independent version of me. I know how hard it all is, but try not to let OCD rule your life. I was like you the other day, freaking out. But I’m trusting what I want and that this is ocd and to not give attention to the thoughts (they scared the crap outta me lol) and just live my life. Hope this helped!

I’m feeling insane too

I’ve had this on and off since I was 13, but I know what you mean. I used to have crushes on boys as a little girl and would want them to notice me. I even kissed boys as a little girl and told one we’re gonna get married one day. Then I was sexually assaulted by a man and witnessed him sexually assault 7 other girl. It was always guys growing up and I thought of girls like my sisters. Literally I’d be like “are we sisters yet? Lol”. I legit when I was 12 remember starting to notice guys more and I came into my car and said to my grandpa “don’t tell my parents but I’m starting to notice guys more”. Then this hit and I hated it. Even in sixth grade I remember liking a guy at my cheer and having fun when me and this boy at school would tease eachother. But then on and off I would have this. When I was 15 it completely went away and I met my ex bf (the one I was in love with) and I fell so in love with him. I wanted him in all ways. The romantic love I feel towards him is more than anything that I’ve felt for anyone these past two years. I know it was true despite what ocd says because when I cried about him finding a new girl (he didn’t lol just long story for another day) I was sobbinggg. Yet, I’m a lesbian? Or scared I’m in denial about it? Hocd is the worse