I feel like i have gone insane. Sometimes when im just sitting with friends and theyre talking about stuff thats so pure and so normal to talk about and to think that thats all whats on their mind, i feel disgusted by myself. How did i get like this. I feel like im the psychopath person in my own skin when i sit with them. They talk about all this innocent things and i used to be like that too. I remember the days where i would think like a normal person and i cant tell by the way they communicate they dont have any weird thoughts or something that keeps them from being excited about their future. All the digusting thoughts in my head make me feel like im sick. Like im a psychopath like i am one of those crazy in their head persons. I just dont feel like a normal teenagergirl anymore and i miss having that lovely life i used To have. Being excited for the future, wanting to party and go out with boys. All those desires i dont have anymore and i want them back so bad because it made me happy.I have friends and they say theyre depressed which i do believe because some are on medication and stuff but they always have hope in the future. but for me its the whole future that scares me. I hate that i cant be myself and that i wont be the happy me when i grow up because thats litteraly living im gonna miss out on. Im litteraly gonna miss all the things i used to be so excitedd for. I cant even remember what those things are because all thats on my mind is this trash. I just need my innocent soul back, i feel like im poisoned with the thoughts ive had. Theyll never go

Sexual Orientation OCD

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 5y

Hey, I know exactly how you feel. But I want to say, they probably all do have thoughts they just act like they don’t. I have been friends with someone for 3 years who has had the same thoughts as me (hocd) for just as long, and we finally opened up to eachother about it. We both still stress about it. Trust me it’s a lot more common than you’d think haha. But I understand what it’s like to miss your innocence. I have hocd and I hate it, I don’t even know what to think about anymore when I’m not thinking about obsessive intrusive thoughts (they make me so uncomfortable and I hate them sm lol). But I’m trying to trust that it’s OCD and not actually me even if my head goes “what if this is actually you??” And I freak tf out but I sit there with it. And I completely lost myself when my ex completely left my life, but he’s back as an acquaintance now and we have small conversations and it feels like a part of me that I’d been missing is back as well as the new, stronger and independent version of me. I know how hard it all is, but try not to let OCD rule your life. I was like you the other day, freaking out. But I’m trusting what I want and that this is ocd and to not give attention to the thoughts (they scared the crap outta me lol) and just live my life. Hope this helped!

hocdgirlsummer

Date posted: 5y

Hey, thank you it did:) although idk bout the friends also having thoughts part because i just notice how they still act like how i used to be and ngl, im jealous of that. And i also dont rlly think everyone has like thoughts.. they are just very lucky and im not, its just the way they get excited about little things or talk about their celeb crush or their future and i can see how much they still want it and how excited they are about it. If they had weird thoughts too, trust me they would sit there like >? and say: i dont feel anything anymore like, like i always feel like. But i get they might have weird thoughyd, everyone does but these just go waaay overboard like theyre in-sane i dont even know my brain is capable of this and i hate it so much bevause it makes me feel like im the one whos thinking this shit and like my thoughts define me and i dont want them too, i dont wanna be that weird girl who has mental ilness, who thinks shes gay and who doesnt feel feelings towards boys. I jusr wanna be a normal teen whos happy and cant wait to go travel and all that Like how i used to

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 5y

@hocdgirlsummer Trust me rn I feel so in denial and like I would rather kiss a girl than a boy and that causes me so much anxiety and makes me want to cry. completely understand how you feel. It terrifies me lol to know that I may never be able to have a husband

hocdgirlsummer

Date posted: 5y

@annehatesocd Yes same and its jnsane to think that i loved boys soo much once. What i “feel” for girls now is nothing like what i felt for boys, but if the feelings for boys arent even around, no shit i think im gay. Also sometimes i think boys r cute but it just stings me that i dont feel the same amount of love/attraction towards them as i did before this all happened

uwotm8

Date posted: 5y

I’m feeling insane too

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 5y

I’ve had this on and off since I was 13, but I know what you mean. I used to have crushes on boys as a little girl and would want them to notice me. I even kissed boys as a little girl and told one we’re gonna get married one day. Then I was sexually assaulted by a man and witnessed him sexually assault 7 other girl. It was always guys growing up and I thought of girls like my sisters. Literally I’d be like “are we sisters yet? Lol”. I legit when I was 12 remember starting to notice guys more and I came into my car and said to my grandpa “don’t tell my parents but I’m starting to notice guys more”. Then this hit and I hated it. Even in sixth grade I remember liking a guy at my cheer and having fun when me and this boy at school would tease eachother. But then on and off I would have this. When I was 15 it completely went away and I met my ex bf (the one I was in love with) and I fell so in love with him. I wanted him in all ways. The romantic love I feel towards him is more than anything that I’ve felt for anyone these past two years. I know it was true despite what ocd says because when I cried about him finding a new girl (he didn’t lol just long story for another day) I was sobbinggg. Yet, I’m a lesbian? Or scared I’m in denial about it? Hocd is the worse

hocdgirlsummer

Date posted: 5y

Well that gives me hope it can go and that i will feel feelings maybe.. i hope that the fact u got over it the first time gives u hope it can go again

dee012

Date posted: 25w

Feels like idk myself:(

A little sad and down. I just feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I grew up with trauma, made mistakes, dealt and still deal with hyper sexuality, and my ocd is so bad. All of this makes me feel tainted, like a weird bad person. I hate being around people and even talking to therapist bc I feel like ive successfully fooled them. Also, I recently saw a POCD hate train on TikTok so now I just feel like a fraud. I get all these thoughts and feelings that im just using ocd as a mask because I actually am a bad person.. and that im some sicko or something, and also my brain tells me and I go back and forth with myself about “oh you just have morals because you don’t want to be shunned from society, and if you were to have no rules you would do disturbing things” and I know I wouldn’t, because I have morals now that are ingraved into me…I just want a normal life. I just want to feel normal. I tend to feel useless in this world, when I really want to do good things but I feel tainted and like I taint this world. I try not to let this consume me but it’s hard.. If you read this thank you. I know I am just in a funk right now but sometimes I wonder if it will be a forever funk… or that I need to “accept” im a bad person so that I can move on… which I won’t bc even if I am (maybe maybe not… I will never know with ocd) I wouldn’t want to be.

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 17w

Missing when I felt ok.

I miss when I wasn't ruminating 24/7, waking up with horrible anxiety or spending all day doing compulsions. Even when I try so hard to resist them I just end up in a spiral. I miss when I was comfortable in my nonbinary identity and didn't have TOCD and now everything feels wrong and conflicting. I miss when I wasn't depressed and disabled. I know I can never get that person back. I haven't seen that person since high school. Ive spent years with this disorder and i havent gotten better despite therapy and meds. I don't know if I'll ever be happy again.

Anonymous

Date posted: 13w

I feel so different from others

I feel different from others, I don’t feel as feminine and I feel like I’ve changed. I’m not sure why I feel this way. I also don’t think my ocd is ocd, it’s just something I told myself to feel better. I know! What if I am what if I’m not, I get it, but I don’t feel like i have a choice in the matter anymore. I have soocd and it’s eaten me alive for years. I woke up out of my sleep and got triggered and here I am. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I always wanted a boyfriend and now It seemed to change. I don’t want a girlfriend, it’s just that I don’t see anything for myself and I feel like I’m hiding. It’s hard to explain. Plus sometimes the way I move or speak makes me feel more masculine and it kills me. Im feeling so lost and alone right now. I know what I want deep down but I feel incapable of having those things because I won’t be able to have feeling. If that makes sense.

Sexual Orientation OCD

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