Deleted the old post to add a trigger warning! The last thing I want to do is trigger someone, but I am very proud of how far I’ve come since I’ve spent many a night agonizing over sexuality and OCD. I hope people can see that you can have HOCD and be proud of your story and your sexuality. That’s all I want to do here, much love to everyone! (And apologies to those who were having conversations under my post, I just don’t want to trigger anyone so I felt like I should delete it). Old post: I’ve come to realize I’m bisexual, which is honestly ironic since I grew up with an intense fear of being gay because of my OCD... it feels like part of me was just suppressing my real feelings because of a traumatic incident that happened when I was a kid... which I think is why I have OCD in the first place. I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of my life by repressing myself because of OCD and I still have a lot of self doubt about wether I AM actually attracted to women or not. Does anyone else have an experience like this? I feel like realizing your sexuality later in life (and I mean after teen years, I’m only in my early 20s) can be normal for some people, but with the OCD on top of it you have to deal with a whole other level of internalized homophobia.

This answer could probably use a trigger warning, too, but since you’re already here.. haha. It was something I feared for a long time, too, and then.. I don’t know, I just sort of realized it wasn’t something I had to fear anymore. I sort of used a form of exposure therapy, but without a therapist to guide me - I learned about the history of LGBT+, I watched shows and movies and read books that had LGBT characters, I made LGBT friends, and I RELATED to them, to those friends and characters... until it was so normal that my OCD brain couldn’t use it against me anymore. I had almost forgotten the terrifying feelings that come with HOCD, and forgot that it would be triggering to some people. Which is dumb and arrogant, I admit. The way I found out was just.. having feelings for women, honestly, just like I did with men. It’s hard to describe. It’s like something just clicked, and felt right. I wasn’t scared, I felt CORRECT in a way. And it’s not something that my OCD makes up, because there isn’t fear. Just me. :)

@nirelocin So you had feelings for women? That’s how you knew?

@nirelocin And THAT’S the difference between questioning and OCD, although like your situation, they can go hand in hand. Eventually, you found peace with it and I’m glad you made the decision that made you the most comfortable. Personally, I still feel like an outsider whenever I see all of the LGBT content (I’m not against it at all). After a long conversation with one of my friends last night, I came to the realization that this was just OCD. There could be a possibility in the future, but for right now, I think I’m just straight and that’s okay.

I am truly sorry for triggering you, but I DID put the trigger warning and a big part of recovery is knowing our own boundaries. I am sorry. I came here to talk to people in the same boat as myself, I was looking for support too. I didn’t mean to harm anyone but if I’m not able to post about myself I guess this app isn’t for me. I am sorry.

@nirelocin What compulsions did you have up until your discovery about yourself?

@nirelocin Sorry for reacting like that, I'm just having an awful week. Suicide attempt on Monday so I'm extremely low. Many apologies