Anyone could talk about hocd?

Ok guys.. I hope you find time to read this Long story .. please i really hope you can help me My memories are a bit vague but as I can remember my first “crush” was a girl from kindergarten. I spent a lot of time with her I rememeber even teelin mom to buy us valentien’s candies as she did. After that there comes a big blank in my straight life. Since idk pretty young i think i was 6,7 my father used to cheat on my mom. I was very happy with mom, I didn’t receive much of a warm love of my father I was quite scared of him most of the time. So she cheated on her and he did the mistake to take me to his mistress. I always found mom crying in my bedroom cause she knew, I saw dad screaming her punching her being violent with her. So i decided i decided i would take mom to that woman place . So another fight started, where me as a kid i got involved i was also screamed at, punched.. however the things chilled out. This scenario happened again 4 years after as my mom didnt get a divorce and much more fights where me and mom were sittin with all our baggages to leave him. Somehow we didnt. So.. i don’t know but i ve got this feeling that in my brain it was produced a lack of masculine help, a paternal figure or i really don’t know. Cause since I was guys and I’m not kidding 8-9 years old I used to watch photos of muscled man and touch myself, to get that feeling of protection, so in my mind there was produced idk a complex of inferiority from all the other men. Of course I used to be very girly, I even used to play with dolls.. so idk some gay chemicals were released in my brain or i really don’t know. This continued for almost 6 years where I was almost sure I was gay like I think I was even preparing for coming out but I still prayed God would help me cause something felt wrong, I also used to feel like a piece of shit after masturbation. So yeah... I was always inferior, always dreaming of being dominated and safe oh god these thoughts make me sick. However, HIGHSCHOOL CAME. Yes, everything was good untill I met this guy let’s call him David. David was obviously gay or bi. He was 2 years older than me and we started to get along. I think i had a crush in him and he liked me, so we started to talk more. The thing is that this relationship for me was awful. That year was the most awful. I FELT LIKE SHIt. I used to deal with THE BIGGEST ANXIETY OF MY LIFE. I used to shit myself 24/7. I always felt bad. I WAS SKINNY AS HELL. I WAS ILL as fuck. That relationship was draining me but somehow I managed to continue. mom, seeing my mental and physical status at that time got me to a psychiatrist where I said that idk why I feel anxiety. My friends were also really bad like snakes, like those kind of mean girls that were always ruminating and idk.. energy drainers. I also had none male friends. I was a piece of shit. So fast forward 3-4 months when I didn’t speak to David anymore. Things chilled out a bit. Just as he texted me to go for a date. I was literally shittin on me. When we met I was shaking I still rememeber my skinny pale face. It felt so wrong, It didn’t feel like romance fear it felt like edge of the hell. So idk we walked, we stayed at a pub for a while, and after that he got me somewhere a bit more private and wanted to kiss me. That moment felt like ww2. I was scared and even as ok seemed at that time a bit disgusted. So I refused . The date ended there we chated a bit after and that was it. From that moment my life started slowly regenerating. I started feeling a lot better with my anxiety. I started meditation. I started eating more, gaining weight and doing sport (which I never did before) and as these healthy habits came into my life I also started spotting girls . That happened just after a month, in May. I started being more productive and as I was wondered by discovering the beauty of girls women till then I so blind to see. As my self esteem grew, the vision that I have to be “protected” by a man, I took the charge, me being that man who is ready to protect a girl and love her. So it was really about how confident I felt on myself. There were some times where the “be protected mentallity came as when we were traveling and i don’t know the city so i feel like a stranger with no identity, yeah this type of thoughts came but i ignored them . So yeah basically, my life turned 180 . I got more muscled I started talking to girls make more friends and get rid of the bad ones, FEEL A LOT BETTER. And yeah laugh at the old version . School started I was feeling ok. I still remember the first day where there was a huge croud of students and I was looking for my crush (obviously a girl). Girls were telling me if I worked out I felt fine as hell. I started makin male friends . So yeah feeling good. October came and guess who called, David. It felt like the sky had fallen over me . So yeah i experienced a bit of anxiety and really bad mood that evening and my mom saw me and felt there was something wrong. So she came into my bedroom and I told her everything I told you guys about David that happeded 8-9 months ago . She deserved to know the truth. It felt like pushing a big stone off my chest. She huged me and said it was fine, she totally understood me and me i thought she was going to consider me crazy. Not at all! She reassured me that it was ok, it was all in the past and yeah. So I ended every bond with the past. November 2019 came and I started experiencing some thoughts like . Oh look that guy looks good. Thought which before I surpressed just by saying ok cool. And yeah that was it. But now there s something more “remember when you were gayy yeaahh, im the ghost and ill haunt you for the rest of your life” so i just keep having these thoughts, takin past as evidence. Even if in 100% sure i don’t want to be neither emotional neither sexual with a guy that gross me out like shit . There’s a old voive which still lives in my head . Sometimes I get gronials but as I tell myself man we are equal that guy and me we are equal, they disappear. I also experience dreams and lots of thoughts I hate, that are slowly waisting my energy. I know I can love only a woman truly, I want to spend my life with women, have sex with women and so on. But yeah, first I have to kill some ghosts If you guys read all of this , I’ll pray for you my friends. If you have any advice, please, please help me.

In the late weeks I also quited meditation and didn’t do so much sport as before. Lack of productivity..

Sure

Yeah

Sure!!