I really do hate these suicidal intrusive thoughts. I’ll just be doing something like cleaning my house or doing homework and they try to slip in. It’s super annoying when I’m out of the house having a great time and I get home after a long day and they start to ruin my evening. Or if I’m dealing with an inconvenience which I normally won’t think too much about it, it comes in to make me anxious. Like if I dealt with a difficult customer at work, the intrusive thought will come in and be like “you can just end it all then you know” or “you know you want to kill yourself” and it really messes with my head :( I know I don’t want to, and it scares me that the thoughts have transformed into that! Before (and kinda still is now) it would be if I encountered or passed by an object and my thoughts will say to use that object to end my life. Now it’s more telling me that my true feelings are to end it all, when I know it’s not but it terrifies me. This has been happening every day for about the past 4 months. I’m scared that I’ll eventually become depressed and truly want that, or I’m scared one day I’ll lose control and give in. It’s very worrisome as well when I’m having a good time or dealing with normal life things and the thoughts will be like “what’s the point of any of this? This has no meaning. Why be here then? Go ahead and kill yourself”. Sometimes I have to verbally yell at myself to stop thinking ! I’m not a depressed or sad person and I have many blessings in my life. Why my mind gotta be like that :(

I literally have the exact same issues as you. I’ve dealt with mine since 2016 And I’m still here. I believe this is like Harm OCD or suicidal OCD. It’s like intrusive thoughts about existence and wondering whether or not we truly want to hurt ourselves or not. It’s awful But If I’ve lasted this long and had some good days I feel like you can too

Exactly I feel like I go nuts quite often to be honest. BUT as far as managing I’m actually trying to stay as busy as I can and pick up hobbies. I know that’s probably what you don’t want to hear at the moment but sometimes it really helps being with friends and going to work to stay outside of your head. I keep telling myself to manage moment by moment. Some days I have great happy calming days, but others I feel like I’m in a pit so deep I can’t get out. I constantly have to tell myself this is just a WAVE of anxiety that’s it. I am not crazy. I am okay. If I made it through today I can make it through any days. And please don’t blame yourself and hate yourself for this. This is all because your brain is trying to protect you. You are very smart and self aware. You love yourself too much to give in to anything you DONT want to do

So I recommend to do stuff you enjoy and things that provide relaxing feelings Like watching movies or going for a walk. Also try taking a bath or maybe play with your pets. Something I’m trying to do now is eat healthy food. And trying to avoid sugar Sugar can really give you bad panic attacks

I am dealing with the exact same type of OCD. It’s very distressing- I totally know how you feel. I recommend going to anxieties.com ... Dr. Reid Wilson is an amazing psychologist who’s website information on OCD and book (“Stopping the Noise in Your Head”) have been really helpful at this time. Just remember that OCD loves to attack whatever is important to you. And it’s usually that you care about protecting that thing so much that it can’t help but worry. So even though it’s annoying, it’s a faulty way of your brain trying to protect you!! You are SO strong and WILL get through this. It’s great that you’re seeking treatment and I wish you all the best!