- Username
- uwotm8
- Date posted
- 4y ago
And although I know I’m not a narcissist I worry people think the terms are interchangeable and I can’t handle people thinking I’m a narcissist cuz I’ve dealt with them and they’re awful people
I never feel like that people are that bothered by my existence. I always cry over people leaving me but no one ever worries *I* would ever leave THEM. I feel insignificant compared to most people
Basically I’m inferior I have no value and I have to work much much harder than everyone to be valuable or needed and even then it never feels I am
Also (sorry guys for all of the comments) I have never told anyone that fear of abandonment makes me feel I would have to die to escape it because I don’t want to be seen as manipulative, useless and unable to function as an adult or a burden
It seems to be an obsession. Like you fear to have this, kind of health ocd. Same thing for people who are afraid of schizophrenia. I have this too about all the personnality disorder ! I hope you will feel better soon, don’t forget that ocd is a judge liar ?
No no this is not an obsession. I don’t feel anxiety or “what if” over it I just resonate with the symptoms. I’m not scared of having the illness itself cuz I do think it’s possible, I’m afraid of the illness making people leave me so I don’t want them to know that’s my problem
As in I don’t get panic over the idea of it cuz I actually feel like it could explain why I feel so shitty about myself ALL the time but at the same time I fear that the label would drive people away
No one can know for sure, you’d have to get a thorough evaluation by a psychiatrist to have a better idea. It is true, however, that many people experience similar obsessions and concerns like yours. I had many issues related to black and white thinking, anger, and the urge to disconnect from someone once they displeased. It’s like everyone I knew somehow would absorb all the other wrongs or ills others had done to me. It wasn’t until I had an argument with a partner that I had a moment of clarity. I was punishing this person because somewhere inside of me was that angry little kid who couldn’t himself. But I’m not that kid anymore, and they aren’t the people that hurt me. What good is being propagated into the universe by constantly holding on to that anger. I knew it came from the fear of being hurt. But that wall didn’t protect me. It kept me apart from others. What I’m saying is that not every psychological experience that has some relationship to a diagnostic criteria is, in fact, that particular thing. It could be, and you have to lean into that uncertainty. But it isn’t definitive.
I don’t think it’s really wise to tell people to always lean into uncertainty when it comes to potential diagnoses of another condition that affects lives though? I’m not talking about this from an ocd obsession POV I mean I honestly wonder if I maybe have it because the symptoms are me
Hey there girl hang tight. I was recently diagnosed with BPD and the internet makes it seem like those who have someone in their life that has BPD need more support to deal with them... And I think that's absolutely ridiculous. BPD is a very serious mental illness (one of the highest suicide/ self harm rates, if not the highest) and those who have it are made to feel like they're the problem. Anger is a hallmark of BPD, but I too don't have explosive anger towards others. I find I do over-react to very small things internally, but then I get mad at myself for being bothered by things and that state of mind for me is extremely dangerous. If you are confused about your mental health diagnosis I would suggest going to see I psychiatrist. If you are diagnosed with BPD, you are not a monster. Take it from me, you will recover but first you need to ask for help and get the diagnosis. Also remember that who you disclose your diagnoses to is completely up to you! so even if you receive one, nobody but you (and your doctor) have to know. Just know that if anyone finds out and makes assumptions, that's discriminatory on their part and they aren't worth your time or effort. Stay strong and if you need someone to talk to please let me know!
Thankyou so much. I’m like you I don’t ever get explosive anger at people but I’m told I overreact and care too much all the time which is true. I can’t let things go but I let them ruin me not other people. I cannnnnnnnot handle abandonment I think all day everyday if I say or do the wrong thing my partner will leave me with no warning and I’ll have to die cuz I can’t do if
There's a great video on BPD. I'll see if it's in YouTube
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=%23&ved=2ahUKEwjnoKumvfLnAhVMop4KHVcPBj4QwqsBMAB6BAgJEAQ&usg=AOvVaw0VTJzWxrN8ZFOD4xbU2nov it's even got Marsha Linehan herself in it
@NOCD Advocate - Katie Cheers
I’m so convinced I have borderline personality disorder cause of all the intrusive thoughts and the fact it’s makes me wanna do them( my intrusive thoughts is telling me to) I’ve been taking quizzes all day on line tomsee if I have any other mental Illnesses that serial killers might have. I get very annoyed easily and mad which is a symptom of BPD, I’m so scared :((((
I kinda am really alone with this one. I got diagnosed 3 years ago and never went back to therapy. I don't really want help... I'm just here to kinda learn about other people. I've never met someone who has ocd like I do. You may think "they all say that" but I just never have. I got diagnosed when I told my therapist my obsession with gore/nercophilia. I can't believe I'm even talking about it right now. It makes me feel sick. I can't stand it. My mom has undiagnosed bpd. I may be wrong about this, I'm not a professional, but she has all the symptoms. Every single small thing about it too she has, and so do I. Having ocd along with it is even harder. I researched on having both and it's not common but also not impossible? If not, then if I don't have both, I would fit under the ocd title more than ocd. My point is, I feel alone. I just want someone to read this... I hate to admit it, but I want some sympathy. My partner has been really bad to me lately and I can't leave them cause I love them too much. So I don't beg him for comfort cause I know they might leave if I do. I feel like a burden. Please don't comment on that. Actually, are their even comments on this thing? Embarrassing if not..
I was getting better for a while, and then all the sudden the fear of being a narcissist is back. I don’t know what to do anymore, as I seemed to have lost all sense of self control that I had worked so hard to get. I recently found out that my mother was emotionally abusive and neglectful to me, to the point I have a form of PTSD known as CPTSD, and people seemed to be shocked when I told them some of the things she did, and that confused me. I didn’t know or even consider the possibility she might be abusive until I saw the shock on other peoples faces. I mentioned one time where me and my sister were fighting (we are adopted) over a toy when we were little, and she got mad and locked herself in the bathroom and then proceeded to make a loud fake phone call to the judge, asking him to send people to come and get us and take us away back to our biological parents because we “didn’t want her anymore and didn’t love each other”. She made me help my sister pack a suitcase too as I cried so hard I vomited and kicked on the door and begged her to hang up because I thought she was actually calling. She made sure it was loud enough for me to hear it. She often threatened to take the car and drive away and never come back or drive it into a ditch or a lake, she’d constantly vent to me (when I was really little) about how horrible her life is or was and what happened to her (such as SA and abuse from her husband) whenever she was mad at me. She’d say very loudly how bad of a mother she is, asking why God was punishing her with this life, begging God to kill her and that she’d go to hell, call herself bad names and even hit herself. She did that a lot, threatening to call the judge or someone to take us away, telling us we weren’t grateful for her whenever we acted out like normal kids. People have told me that is abuse, and honestly part of me doesn’t believe that still. I don’t have it in me to hate her, I just can’t. I tell her everything and go to her for everything, I RELY on her for everything. I’m still coming to terms with the fact I was abused as I thought I wasn’t, or that I was spoiled and bratty. I’ve apparently (my therapist told me) developed a coping mechanism of bottling up my feelings and not expressing myself because of this, and in turn it’s made me struggle to connect with others and then I wonder if I’m capable of love because of that. My biggest fear is hurting someone, and I get so scared that I’m not capable of love because I didn’t have many people in my life that loved me or showed me what love felt like. Relationships scare me, I get scared I will hurt the person, so I often offer them multiple ways out by saying “you can leave if you want, it’s okay.” Because I genuinely want them to know that they can leave if they feel like I’m not giving them what they need. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I struggle to assert myself and will often subconsciously seek out abusive relationships because they’re comforting and apparently what I’m used to/what I feel like I deserve. I even apologize to my abusers for defending myself or telling them that I didn’t like what they were doing to me. I’m very self critical and will tell myself that every thought and every feeling I have is wrong. If I feel anger I ask myself “why am I angry? Is that a valid reason to be angry? No. You can’t be angry, that’s wrong.” Same goes for sadness or any negative emotion. Even if I have a valid reason to be upset at someone, I gaslight myself into believing that it’s not valid and that I’m being bad for feeling the way I do. However when it comes to other people, I tell them to feel their feelings and that their feelings are beautiful, and make them human because I genuinely believe that feeling things is one of the most beautiful and fascinating things a human can do. I validate them for things I would criticize myself for, and genuinely believe that the person is valid despite not feeling the same amount of compassion for myself. All of this somehow has me convinced I’m a narcissist of some kind. An abuser of mine pointed out my mothers toxic and controlling behavior, but he ended up being the same way. He would constantly tear me down, verbally/emotionally and manipulate me, telling me how horrible I was by saying I was lazy and never did anything never tell him anything never do XYZ. Now that I can see he was right about my mother, I’m worried he’s right about me too. I’ve posted about it before on here, so if you’re curious you can look to see what else he’s done. Yes, I’ve apologized to him for reacting to his abuse, and genuinely felt bad for telling him that it made me uncomfortable or hurt me. I’m worried that I don’t feel empathy, that I can’t love, that I’m a bad person. I don’t know what to do anymore, the thoughts have gotten so loud it’s overwhelming. Even though my therapist has literally told me that I often put other peoples feelings ahead of my own, to the point I don’t know who I am or how I feel, I still wonder if I’m a narcissist. She often tells me “facts over feelings” because I would make excuses for my abusers behaviors or fail to stick up for myself because I was worried about how they’d react or how THEY would feel despite me being the one abused. I know this was long, but can someone please take the time to comment if you’ve gone through something similar or know of something that can help. I’m just so lost, and I need someone, please.
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