I’m sure I might have BPD as well as OCD, but don’t wanna have it diagnosed cuz of the assumptions. I dont want to be misinterpreted as manipulative, aggressive or abusive because of the stereotypes (my partner has always said I’m the most calm and often TOO understanding person he ever met) But I do get the “inward anger” towards myself. Like, thinking I am utterly worthless and if I died no one would care. I often think something bad needs to happen to me for people to wake up and care. No one knows it though as I hide it from fear of people thinking I’m crazy and leaving me. I feel I have to frantically scramble to not be left. I fear abandonment to the point where I think I’d prefer to die over that happening. I have zero self esteem and feel I have no personality anymore. I think in black and white. People are cunts or they’re not lol ? I’m great or I’m worthless (100% worthless most of the time) I adore my partner more than my own life. to the point if he left me, I think I’d have to die to avoid seeing him with someone better than me (I wouldn’t do it though but it seems to be my only “solution”) imagining him leaving me all day everyday is agony I feel like I’m being sliced open every second and I feel sick. I don’t want the label though cuz people are saying Caroline flack might have had BPD, and I think she’s vile for what she did, suicide or not. I don’t agree with abuse - male or female. so I don’t wanna be associated with an abuser. Everyone is saying she’s evil if she had bpd so I really DONT want that association just because I hate myself and don’t want to be abandoned. Anyone know anything about DBT? I bought a DBT work book but I’m not telling anyone in my life as again, I don’t want the negative connotations. I’m a gentle person to everyone except myself so if I got tagged as a bitch I’d be mortified when all I want is love and acceptance and I feel I lack it

And although I know I’m not a narcissist I worry people think the terms are interchangeable and I can’t handle people thinking I’m a narcissist cuz I’ve dealt with them and they’re awful people

I never feel like that people are that bothered by my existence. I always cry over people leaving me but no one ever worries *I* would ever leave THEM. I feel insignificant compared to most people

Basically I’m inferior I have no value and I have to work much much harder than everyone to be valuable or needed and even then it never feels I am

Also (sorry guys for all of the comments) I have never told anyone that fear of abandonment makes me feel I would have to die to escape it because I don’t want to be seen as manipulative, useless and unable to function as an adult or a burden

It seems to be an obsession. Like you fear to have this, kind of health ocd. Same thing for people who are afraid of schizophrenia. I have this too about all the personnality disorder ! I hope you will feel better soon, don’t forget that ocd is a judge liar ?

No one can know for sure, you’d have to get a thorough evaluation by a psychiatrist to have a better idea. It is true, however, that many people experience similar obsessions and concerns like yours. I had many issues related to black and white thinking, anger, and the urge to disconnect from someone once they displeased. It’s like everyone I knew somehow would absorb all the other wrongs or ills others had done to me. It wasn’t until I had an argument with a partner that I had a moment of clarity. I was punishing this person because somewhere inside of me was that angry little kid who couldn’t himself. But I’m not that kid anymore, and they aren’t the people that hurt me. What good is being propagated into the universe by constantly holding on to that anger. I knew it came from the fear of being hurt. But that wall didn’t protect me. It kept me apart from others. What I’m saying is that not every psychological experience that has some relationship to a diagnostic criteria is, in fact, that particular thing. It could be, and you have to lean into that uncertainty. But it isn’t definitive.

Hey there girl hang tight. I was recently diagnosed with BPD and the internet makes it seem like those who have someone in their life that has BPD need more support to deal with them... And I think that's absolutely ridiculous. BPD is a very serious mental illness (one of the highest suicide/ self harm rates, if not the highest) and those who have it are made to feel like they're the problem. Anger is a hallmark of BPD, but I too don't have explosive anger towards others. I find I do over-react to very small things internally, but then I get mad at myself for being bothered by things and that state of mind for me is extremely dangerous. If you are confused about your mental health diagnosis I would suggest going to see I psychiatrist. If you are diagnosed with BPD, you are not a monster. Take it from me, you will recover but first you need to ask for help and get the diagnosis. Also remember that who you disclose your diagnoses to is completely up to you! so even if you receive one, nobody but you (and your doctor) have to know. Just know that if anyone finds out and makes assumptions, that's discriminatory on their part and they aren't worth your time or effort. Stay strong and if you need someone to talk to please let me know!

There's a great video on BPD. I'll see if it's in YouTube