I’m super anxious because my hocd is focused on one girl now and whenever she stands super close to me or touches me I get this weird anxious feeling and o find myself leaning away from her. I’m scared that it’s really actual feelings because it’s just one person.

It’s so frustrating because I literally can’t even stand next to the person! I don’t know what to do because I really don’t want to be attracted to this person

@Madeline I would try to actively stand next to them then! Or if that’s too much just try to look at them for periods of time until your anxiety calms down slowly. Would it help to hear the story of what I went through? I don’t wanna throw a long story at you if it wouldn’t be helpful

@brittaa Of course it would be helpful!

@Madeline Ok! So in late highschool, which is when I started developing ocd (which I didn’t realize at the time) I became really paranoid that I was gay, because I found sexualized women were like super “arousing” to me. Which was a problem to me because I had a boyfriend. So, I actually ended up having a dream about having sex with one of my female classmates, and obsiously woke up turned on and completely freaked out. I had class with this girl every day, and literally like two days later our seating arrangement changes and I had to sit right next to her. It was AWFUL at first. It was like electric anxiety was flowing off of her onto me when she was close to me. I constantly wanted to get away from her because I would feel like I was suffocating whenever I was near her. But I couldn’t, and eventually she in particular stopped triggering me, I don’t know exactly how, but i think it was just the constant exposure and inability to get away. Eventually I had a melt down over the hocd in general (because other things later triggered it) and talked to my mom for a long time about how just because things are arousing (especially women, because they are VERY sexualized in society) doesn’t mean anything about WHO I want to have sex with. She did also provide me with reassurance at the time because we didn’t know it was ocd and that reassurance wasn’t helpful for long term, but eventually over time I ended up realizing “does it really matter if I’m gay? Will I ever really know?” And honestly it just went away for years. And I always found myself drawn to men when I wasn’t thinking about things too much. (It’s now turned into pocd, and then from that into rocd so I’m still struggling, but with different things) the main thing I guess I want to have you take away is that it doesn’t mean anything if it’s one person, or every person. Ocd is ocd

@brittaa Your story is very similar to mine! I started developing this when I was in high school (although I didn’t have a boyfriend until a couple months ago) and I didn’t find out I had ocd until really recently. I think it’s spiked a lot because my boyfriend dumped me and I liked him a lot

Yeah I definitely don’t want to do anything with a women. I tell myself all the time that if I am bisexual I would never do anything with a women and just deal with the anxiety

@Madeline That’s the thing if you really wanted to, you wouldn’t have anxiety. The fact that you have anxiety over it shows that it’s the ocd ya know?

@brittaa Yes I know. Unfortunately that’s how awful ocd is. It makes it feel so real and paralyzing

@Madeline Oh I know! But you’re not alone, we’re all going through it!

@brittaa Yes thank you! I’ve been having a real hard time since my boyfriend who I almost loved dumped me. I think that’s been a huge trigger for me

@Madeline Oh that absolutely would be. Try to be kind to yourself and remind yourself it’s ok to feel a little worse and struggle a little more right now. When my boyfriend and I were fighting non stop a few weeks ago my pocd was WAY worse, and it’s gotten much better since things have calmed down.

@Madeline You’ll get through it!!

@brittaa Thank you so much! It’s a struggle but I know my guy is out there!