why don’t i hate my HOCD thoughts anymore. today i decided to face my fear, the fear was if i actually tell myself “yh i’m bi” then i’ll end up liking girls so i said fuck it i’ll do it and i didn’t feel anything well and truly and if anything that gave me clarity i have this friend and we are really affectionate with each-other we always hug and shit like normal and i didn’t want to not hug her to give in to my compulsion so i acted as normal then i kept getting these thoughts saying “you must like her and it’s true since you’ve admitted you’re bisexual” and it freaked me out and i kept pulling away from her then in class she blew me a kiss and i blew her one too and i felt so awkward and uncomfortable and my mind was like “see what happened, you should’ve never accepted it cuz now you like your best friend” the thing is it doesn’t feel real at all but my fear is that what if i become friends with a girl who isn’t straight and i’m in a situation where we are really affectionate with each other and then i end up liking her which i do not want at all i faced another fear the other day too my fear was “if i tell my mum about my HOCD she’ll think i’m gay and say it’s ok if i feel that way and then i’ll start liking girls” well that’s exactly what happened (minus the liking girls part) my mum said if i was she’d be okay with it but the thought of being with a girl didn’t make me happy at all so that gave me clarity. but now all my thoughts are linking together in one big whirlpool and i’m right at the middle all my thoughts consist of: “if you liked a girl your mum wouldn’t mind” “you told yourself you’re bi so just go with it you can’t take it back” “you noticed that girl in the street and you said you were bi which means you like her” “you didn’t find that boy, who all your friends found good-looking, good-looking as well which is sign that it’s true” “you don’t hate your instructive thoughts anymore which obviously means you’re bi” “you’ll never be with a guy after all this” “you’re attraction to that guy is fake” “you’re lying to yourself just accept it and stop denying it” “all you’re friends are gay in some way so you must be too” “would it be the worst thing liking a girl” i want to scream i thought i was helping myself by facing my fear but now i feel like i’ve made it worse. i didn’t feel anxious at all which kinda scared me and it’s like my mind is so use to feeling anxiety that it started all over again. FUCK. i just want to have a boyfriend i saw this tiktok about how gay people bribe after school and i remember before this bullshit started i said “i’m gonna thrive after i finish school” AND I DONT KNOW IF THAT HAS ANY LINK BUT I WANNA SCREAM.