Ok If anyone could help me cause I try to limit posing questions and this might be my last one, I really need help right now ... We all do. But please, I’m desperate to understand me. If you guys have time to me read my story, I pray for you and for all of us.. When I was a kid, in kindergarten, I remember my first crushes to be girls but then it disappeared. I started being a little gay kid stereotype playing with dolls, being quite feminine and earlier starting masturbating and watching muscular men since I was and no joke I think 7-8 years old. And I think this is somehow connected to the behavior of my abusive father who beated me and my mom. So yeah till age of 15 I watched gay porn and enjoyed it, I was finding like that protection there. At 15 high school started and I get to talk to this guy who was gay. What felt like a crush at first it was the worst anxiety, depression period ever. I was very skinny, didn’t eat all. Almost no friends. So somehow, something wasn’t right. So it all ended after starting going to a psychiatrist. Spring came. Something changed. I DON’T KNOW WHAT BUT. I started working out. I started being more happy. And I started noticing girls As my past actions seemed more and more not me and disgusting. Turning 16 it was like I was another person, another goals, I was more confident.. I starting having crushes, I was finding girls attractive sexually emotionally, as the gayness of the past evaporated. Till December 2019 when something was born in me. The past memories started coming in my head. I was getting images who make me anxious, disgusted. Feeling gronial arousals started makes me scream. This can’t be. It likes a ghost of the past comes. When I think of a girl I get a warm sensation in my soul and in my area, but the hocd thoughts are just like knives in my chest. Let’s say If I see a photo of a dominant, build up man I panic as hell and get this tiggling weird gronial. I calm myself as I say « I’m equal to you, You’re not superior to me, I am masculine as well » Guys, I know I can’t be with a man I’m disgusted thinking about kissing or doing stuff but I’m haunted by my worst enemy: ME Please, If you read all of this. Write something in the comments. God bless you. I need help. I need to understand. I pray for all of us. We all have problems but I’m sure we all will get over them. Stay healthy and safe!

Sexual Orientation OCD

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

If I may make a suggestion. Do the affirmations during times your OCD isn't triggered. If doing them when you see a macho guy isn't already a compulsion, it soon will be. Ask yourself, over time, have you gradually had to say those statements more and more frequently, or less and less. If they're affirmations, it should be less and less. If they are compulsions, it will be more and more

Ionut

Date posted: 5y

Oh I see thank you very much! I’ll try to tell these when my ocd isn’t triggered. Thank you very much! God I really hope I’ll get over this illness of mine. Thank you again I hope the next time I come here is too say I progressed. Thank you!

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

I could've sworn you told me yesterday that one of your questions was the last one. I might be misremembering though. It could've been someone else

Ionut

Date posted: 5y

Yeah I said that.. but you know Nobody answered it...Mrs Katie, if you read my story. What do you think it might be? A response from a specialist like you would be amazing for me.

Ionut

Date posted: 5y

@Ionut By the way thank you very much for caring for my activity here in nocd platform

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

@Ionut I think OCD has strung you along with promises that if you can get certainty about this and other things, you'll feel better. And it makes me sad for you, because OCD is never going to be satisfied. If I gave you an answer, if it was even possible to do that, I'd be helping your ocd, not you

Ionut

Date posted: 5y

@NOCD Advocate - Katie So I just have to live with the uncertinity.. I get it. I’ll try. Do you know some self esteem exercised cause I thinks this is somehow connected to the lack of paternal figure. I mean my anxiety and gronials disappear when I say: I’m also masculine. I’m also strong. You’re not superior than me. Thank you again very much. I pray for you and for all the people you help!

ginac

Date posted: 5y

@Ionut I don’t think self-esteem exercises or understanding the past will help you—those things also give your thoughts meaning. What you need to learn is that thoughts, and memories, are not proof of anything, and often don’t mean anything at all. And to do that, you need exposure therapy. You can find an OCD specialst through this app! You can also go to iocdf.org and search your area.

Ionut

Date posted: 5y

@ginac Yes! I’ll try maybe ti contact a specialist to guide me. Till then I have to learn how to not give power to my thoughts. Thank you for helping and taking from your time to write me! Thank you ! God bless you!

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