My brain really said “intrusive thoughts” tonight ??

Can you explain how you’ve reduced it to that level? My ocd is kinda similar

@Evelyn4416 Honestly I had a bad theme of suicidal OCD. I didn't know I had OCD and I kept thinking these thoughts and didn't know why. I performed exposures (had my boyfriend stand out with me while I looked over my 11 story balcony and imagined myself committing suicide). It caused me extremely intense anxiety but that anxiety made me realize that I was actually scared of dying and scared that I would commit suicide. It really just made me think about the thoughts differently and as "not really mine". Now I just see them as a sentence reaction I have to tough situations

@Emmaaaahh I have suicidal OCD myself so I can definitely relate to you. I first thought I was dealing with anxiety but could not understand why these thoughts were so repetitive and also know they weren’t my own. I just recently started doing ERP for it and have a lot of triggers to work out, even though some are just triggered by a passing thought or random situation. I’m glad to hear that these practices helped you out and that the fear connected to it doesn’t bother you anymore. I hope to reach that level myself soon

@Evelyn4416 I know you will. Suicidal OCD is reeeeeeally tough especially when you have no clue what's going on. I found there was a lot of guilt associated with mine too, since my life was great and I didn't have much of a reason to want to end it. I saw myself as a monster who wanted to hurt others for my own gain. I guess just recognizing what was the real cause of my suicidal thoughts helped tremendously. It made me question my sanity and who I was on countless occasions before I learned about it. ERP for this isn't going to be a walk in the park, but the fact that you're still here and fighting means you're already stronger than those thoughts <3 I find meditation to be a great supplement to my therapy. What are some of your triggers (if you don't mind me asking) :)

@Emmaaaahh After learning it was OCD it definitely helped to make more sense of it, though it still causes a bunch of doubt and fear. I can relate with the guilt because my life is pretty good, so why would these thoughts try to take that from me? Another thing, which is a new thought added to it for the past couple months (?) that I’ll be enjoying something or planning for something and the thoughts will come in saying stuff like how none of this really matters, what’s the point of anything, this life isn’t real this is all not worth it etc. These thoughts scare me, I don’t feel that way but they bum me out when they show their ugly face. Not sure if it’s connected to some sort of existential ocd as well? The trigger I was working on this past week was first imaging then actually looking at my open closet doors, since I was afraid of keeping closets opened for fear of hanging. Another big trigger to work on later would have to be belts, can’t even look at one, same reason as the closet. If I start thinking about life and my future, I get scared I’ll always be like this and not be able to live a normal life getting married and having kids and that I’ll be driven to suicide because of it. Fear I’ll develop depression is another one right now, I keep comparing things I do or don’t do to see if I’m depressed or not, because in my head people who are depressed actually want to die, etc. Fear I’ll loose control and just kill myself (imagine the movie Bird Box, sort of like that). Some days are so hard and some days I’m able to breathe a bit. It really helps though to find other people dealing/have dealt with the same themes. Makes you feel less alone ?

@Evelyn4416 Every word you just said makes sense to me. The only difference for me is I never had an issue with worrying about hanging it had more to do with knives, heights and my medication for a while which was tough (I was obsessing about overdosing and it made me want to avoid them completely because I would get the urge to take more than I was prescribed which really made me feel a lot worse). I can relate about the existential OCD as well. It's like I don't let myself enjoy things and if I do I end up diminishing it to a point where it's hard to find joy in it. I find this happens most when I am doing things by myself (like personal hobbies). I question whether it's worth my time because my time is so short, but then whether it ever really mattered at all because the universe is so big, and then it just kind of spirals from there ? I actually learned recently from my doctor that I have a form of hypochondria that focuses on mental disorders, so I worry so often whether or not I am depressed, and whether or not I will ever feel completely normal again. One of my compulsions for this is googling symptoms of different mental health disorders and trying to figure out which ones stand out to me. It was really bad in the summer I would spend like over 4 hours doing this a day and it wwould disrupt my sleep and work :/ Bird Box when I heard about it was honestly too triggering for me to watch... maybe I should watch it as an exposure exercise!! :) it is so nice to talk to someone who had gone through a similar experience to me. Thanks for making me feel less alone too ? we will have normal lives one day. Maybe they will never be completely normal, but I have faith that life will be good to us in the future :) unfortunately we have just had a lot of obstacles to overcome

@Evelyn4416 Im living the sameee thing geez its soo hard i totally understand! Wow its crazy how we are not alone in this!! Let’s be strong we gonna fight this

@Angiefree Right?? I’m surprised that there are more people that deal with this specific topic, though that’s probably silly to think lol. It’s super hard and feels life threatening but we are definitely strong and will overcome !

@Evelyn4416 Yes im surprised too that other have that specific theme , i thought i was the only one haha! And it does give me hope to see that we are still here and fighting this and that we are not alone !