What’s up everyone, I just downloaded the app and have enjoyed reading different topics on here so far. I have suffered from HOCD for seven years now. It started my second year of college out of the blue. I was scrolling through Instagram and saw a picture of my friends and thought they looked good. I immediately asked myself why am I thinking that? What does this mean? Why have I never thought before? Am I gay? The doubt regarding my sexual orientation was in full force. This sent me into a deep depression for several months. I skipped class, didn’t attend fraternity events, and missed football games. Pretty much every activity I enjoyed didn’t matter to me anymore. One day I googled “can you just turn gay all of a sudden” and “how do you know if you are gay” With those searches I found articles about HOCD. I checked every box regarding symptoms and mental compulsions. I compared my reactions tIt was a relief to finally figure out what I was going through. Before that search I was hopeless and didn’t want to live anymore. I found a therapist in my area who specializes in ocd so I thought I’d give him a try. I didn’t care for him but he referred me to a psychiatrist who prescribed me 20mg lexapro, which helped me get out of bed in the mornings and diminished the intensity of my intrusive thoughts. The therapist I went to was the only one in my area at the time who specialized in ocd treatment, but I never went back. I got the vibe that he didn’t care about what I was dealing with. I’m 26 now and still experience the intrusive thoughts. My twin brother suffers from BDD and just came out to my family that he is gay. This sent my doubt into overdrive. Endless google searching about genetics and homosexuality and if your twin is gay does that mean you are? It sent me back to depression like my college days. Most of the time when I see a guy my mind automatically thinks he is attractive. They could be 18 or 65. It could be my best friend or it could be my dad. I have times where I experience the “groinal”. That is when I feel like Something is going on “down there”. It could be that I saw someone on tv or just shaking a guys hand. I’ll drive past a truck and think there must be good looking guy in there. Or I’ll hear a song on the radio about falling in love and my mind replaces the girl in the song with a guy. Occasionally when I’m next to a guy my ocd is telling me to kiss him. I feel like I have gotten pretty good at avoiding compulsions but feel like I need help from an expert with erp. I have read a few ocd books and have tried to practice their tips on my own, but it has never worked. Sorry for the long post. I just wanted to share my story so people know they aren’t alone.