Read an article today about men who went into straight marriages and were in denial. Many of them spent years questioning their sexuality and suffered a great deal cause of that. Of course over time they’ve had to come out to their wives and family and stop living secret live. That was a massive trigger but the more I read and resisted most of my compulsions the more I noticed how clearer and calmer things are once you accept the thoughts. Not looking for any reassurance just wanna know if anyone has confronted this fear as well and any tips or advices on doing ERP and accepting uncertainty would be nice

Thank you so much for this response I will take your advice. Doing this exposure and reading watching things about denial and internalised homophobia have been extremely scary but very eye opening. My groinal reactions are reducing bit by bit which is awesome. Able to look at ways I could turn gay, be gay or be secretly gay and not panic as much as I use to. Furthermore I’m not able to access an OCD therapist cause I live in Nigeria. However, constantly finding new was to push the boundaries of my fears and looking for advices and ideas

@sam_ob That's great that you're approaching the issue in multiple ways to work on the intensity of your resistance to the thoughts/the worry. They're what's called "ego dystonic" because the fear doesn't align with your self-image, so some amount of resistance will always be there, but just like you are doing with internalised homophobia, to really get on top of my OCDs I have had to take a second look at some of my beliefs. For example, I had zoophilia OCD and part of getting rid of it meant I had to address some assumptions and prejudices I had about it, and unpack my feelings of stigma about it to see whether they actually made sense or if I had internalised a societal view of it which was flawed. And with POCD it can be helpful to draw distinctions between thought and actions and come to new personal beliefs about whether the amount of stigma pedophilia (rather than actual child abuse) receives is justified. I'm of the firm belief that there is no sexual preference or orientation which can make one a "bad person". I don't even believe in the idea of a "bad person" anymore. There are harmful actions but even these usually are driven by mental illness, trauma or isolation.

@Louw Yes I had take a deep dive into internalised homophobia and it became apparent that it was part of the problem. You see growing up in Nigeria it’s extremely taboo but I have been able to clear that up. Probably wasn’t just meant to be a judgemental person. I allow myself to look at men and recognise they are attractive and comment on their finer features as uncomfortable as it can be sometimes. Even just say them out loud in front of people and recognised it’s not a big deal. I still get a lot of repaulsive reactions whenever I get sexual intrusive thoughts and I follow up with them till the end (making out, having oral sex or sex etc) that use to be a form of reassurance for me but not it feels like an hinderance. However, I just had to learn that some gay traits may be for me others are probably just not for me and that’s fine as well

Yeah it is so rough sometimes but really you start to see how you’re the biggest problem for feeding into this fear way too much and slowly they start to actually feel funny to me. I have a high sense of humor so I try and use it to my advantage as much as I can. And thank you so much for giving me those suggestions on getting a therapist I have been searching everywhere lol

@sam_ob No problem at all! I really hope you find a therapist that works for you. Don't settle for secone best. Fight for the amazing future you have ahead of you!

No worries, I get it! I asked her if she had experience treating OCD. You could ask them what methods they use, like ERP or other techniques. Ask them if they are confident that they can help you recover and ask how long they expect recovery to take. Just kind of get a feel of how good their knowledge is of OCD, how it works and stufd. You could also ask them to lay down some rules/guidelines so that they don't become part of your compulsions, like making sure they understand not to offer you reassurance. You could email Better Help and ask them for a free trial if you don't want to commit right away. Just make sure they know what they are talking about!

@Praise Oh alright perfect. You’ve really been helpful and thank you so much❤️. Will get right on it this evening and hope to talk to you even more down line