- Username
- sam_ob
- Date posted
- 4y ago
- Username
- FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 4y ago
It sounds like you're doing a really good job, that's a big exposure to do because it what you read indicates that some people never know or don't know for a very long time. Sometimes it takes being faced with and cornered by that stark reality, for us to decide that we need to refocus on living our lives in the face of a worry like this, as the alternative is to continue to suffer and suffer. I have some advice on ERP which might help with the sticky compulsions that you struggled more to resist: try to bring your focus into your body and the sensations in it, and zoom in on them if you can. It can be very freeing to find that our emotions are physiological and so when we let them be in our bodies without resisting or trying to solve them, they turn out to just be physical sensations. Maybe some tightness or heaviness, some aching. Try to notice where it is in your body and describe the sensations to yourself. Notice that you're doing a great job of feeling them, they aren't harming you or making you do anything, they're just sitting there. A bit uncomfortable, maybe there are some physical feelings there which you associate with panic but even those are only physical, perhaps that one is more sharp and intense. Attentively noticing and breathing through the physical takes us out of the mental responses to and judgements of the physical feelings (solving, fearing, attaching personal meanings), and as you feel them, they can be intense for a while but the longer you do it the more they just ebb away. If you're able to focus on them to completion, you can be left with a wonderful sense of peace, which can take hours but is worth it. Doing this method helped me to develop a sense of strength and confidence in my ability to handle whatever uncomfortable feelings I have, and to separate them from my linked fears and beliefs.
- Username
- sam_obsam_ob
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Thank you so much for this response I will take your advice. Doing this exposure and reading watching things about denial and internalised homophobia have been extremely scary but very eye opening. My groinal reactions are reducing bit by bit which is awesome. Able to look at ways I could turn gay, be gay or be secretly gay and not panic as much as I use to. Furthermore I’m not able to access an OCD therapist cause I live in Nigeria. However, constantly finding new was to push the boundaries of my fears and looking for advices and ideas
- Username
- FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@sam_ob That's great that you're approaching the issue in multiple ways to work on the intensity of your resistance to the thoughts/the worry. They're what's called "ego dystonic" because the fear doesn't align with your self-image, so some amount of resistance will always be there, but just like you are doing with internalised homophobia, to really get on top of my OCDs I have had to take a second look at some of my beliefs. For example, I had zoophilia OCD and part of getting rid of it meant I had to address some assumptions and prejudices I had about it, and unpack my feelings of stigma about it to see whether they actually made sense or if I had internalised a societal view of it which was flawed. And with POCD it can be helpful to draw distinctions between thought and actions and come to new personal beliefs about whether the amount of stigma pedophilia (rather than actual child abuse) receives is justified. I'm of the firm belief that there is no sexual preference or orientation which can make one a "bad person". I don't even believe in the idea of a "bad person" anymore. There are harmful actions but even these usually are driven by mental illness, trauma or isolation.
- Username
- sam_obsam_ob
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Louw Yes I had take a deep dive into internalised homophobia and it became apparent that it was part of the problem. You see growing up in Nigeria it’s extremely taboo but I have been able to clear that up. Probably wasn’t just meant to be a judgemental person. I allow myself to look at men and recognise they are attractive and comment on their finer features as uncomfortable as it can be sometimes. Even just say them out loud in front of people and recognised it’s not a big deal. I still get a lot of repaulsive reactions whenever I get sexual intrusive thoughts and I follow up with them till the end (making out, having oral sex or sex etc) that use to be a form of reassurance for me but not it feels like an hinderance. However, I just had to learn that some gay traits may be for me others are probably just not for me and that’s fine as well
- Username
- irish_and_ocdirish_and_ocd
- Date posted
- 4y ago
That is something I have really really struggled with in the past because it is a truly terrifying thought. Still battling with HOCD but things are gradually improving. It is hard, but we are strong and we can do this. Have you heard of Better Help or Faithful Counselling? This is what I use for therapy because I am unable to access a therapist locally. Have a look online at this platform and see if it might work for you.
- Username
- sam_obsam_ob
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Yeah it is so rough sometimes but really you start to see how you’re the biggest problem for feeding into this fear way too much and slowly they start to actually feel funny to me. I have a high sense of humor so I try and use it to my advantage as much as I can. And thank you so much for giving me those suggestions on getting a therapist I have been searching everywhere lol
- Username
- irish_and_ocdirish_and_ocd
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@sam_ob No problem at all! I really hope you find a therapist that works for you. Don't settle for secone best. Fight for the amazing future you have ahead of you!
- Username
- sam_obsam_ob
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I will continue to push fight for a better future without this thanks to your help and this community. Were you able to find a therapist that is a specialist in OCD though?
- Username
- irish_and_ocdirish_and_ocd
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Not specifically specialist in OCD but my therapist has worked woth a lot of clients previously with OCD and she has been really helpful. Just make sure that when you are matched with a therapist, you ask them some questions to make sure they have a thorough understanding. If they don't, then change therapists.
- Username
- sam_obsam_ob
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Uh okay. What questions did you ask your therapist? Sorry for bugging you Im just nervous and just wanna get it right lol
- Username
- irish_and_ocdirish_and_ocd
- Date posted
- 4y ago
No worries, I get it! I asked her if she had experience treating OCD. You could ask them what methods they use, like ERP or other techniques. Ask them if they are confident that they can help you recover and ask how long they expect recovery to take. Just kind of get a feel of how good their knowledge is of OCD, how it works and stufd. You could also ask them to lay down some rules/guidelines so that they don't become part of your compulsions, like making sure they understand not to offer you reassurance. You could email Better Help and ask them for a free trial if you don't want to commit right away. Just make sure they know what they are talking about!
- Username
- sam_obsam_ob
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Praise Oh alright perfect. You’ve really been helpful and thank you so much❤️. Will get right on it this evening and hope to talk to you even more down line
- Username
- irish_and_ocdirish_and_ocd
- Date posted
- 4y ago
No problem at all, I really hope it helps. You have a future ahead of you so don't give up fighting for it!
Related posts
- Username
- 222
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I just read this post about Colin Underwood the ex Bachelor star & ex NFL player coming out as gay, and in the article it said “he lived with this uncertainty about his sexuality for a while before coming to terms with his sexuality.” Lol this rly triggered me, as the whole point in our recovery is living with uncertainty. I don’t want to live w uncertainty to one day find out I’m truly lesbian and have been lying to everyone & myself :/ :( I guess he probably did not have OCD, and in the article it said he knew “something was different” by the age of 6. I guess I’m just overthinking but 😭 it sent my anxiety through the roof
- Username
- My OCD Academia
- Date posted
- 1y ago
Hard day today
In today’s session, we did ERP and read out loud an article of a woman’s coming out story. Even though I’m a straight male battling with this theme, the words coming out and other trigger words were in the article. Definitely something I wasn’t expecting to do in todays session and now my mind is telling me I want that and that It was a sign for me to come out as gay. So many intrusive feelings, urges, thoughts today. ERP really sucked. I know this is all part of the process but it feels so scary and dangerous to expose myself to this. I don’t want to be gay. I just want OCD to go away and stop making this all feel so real. I do my best to not engage with OCD but I feel so overwhelmed because If I let the thoughts sit there, it feels I will eventually act on them or believe them.
- Username
- Zoroarcanine
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 34w ago
My Fears
Big trigger warning in advance, I’m using this as a moment to just write my fears and hopefully help others find something they can relate. Please no reassurance. If you feel up to it, please feel free to write your fears. I’m not really sure how to start this So I’ll just dive into it. I don’t really have OCD I’m using SO OCD as an excuse to not accept my newly discovered sexuality I’m a late bloomer I have internalized homophobia I don’t love my wife as much as I used to (this one is getting me the most so far) The homosexual urges and thoughts I feel are real and wanted I get anxious seeing dudes out in public because I’m attracted to them If I just shout that I’m gay right now it’s because it’s true I’ve been in denial these past 7 years and really discovered my true sexuality back when I was 24 I’m not anxious and engaging in compulsions as much now because I actually am gay and am starting to accept it I can’t stop looking at dudes out in public because I like it The sadness I feel writing this isn’t because I don’t like these thoughts, it’s just me having to accept that I’m someone new now and have to leave my life as I know it Me rejecting my homosexual thoughts is me rejecting who I truly am and that is wrong I’m going to have to resist my homosexual thoughts, everyday, for the rest of my life, and that I just need to accept I’m gay I’ve always been attracted to dudes and have just repressed it All the times I look back at seeing that it was OCD is just me altering the memory to fit my new coping mechanism I’m just afraid to accept I’m gay and I’m the only one holding me back Everyone else who says they have SO OCD is also in denial But the biggest one for me: I have been a puppet for my OCD for so long and I will still be his puppet going forward There’s more too, but as I was doing this and my distress starting going down, my OCD likes to forget my fears because he does not like me acknowledging them. These past few days have been hard, especially with the lack of compulsions and anxiety but the thoughts still there, especially so seeing dudes out in public. But I have gotten through this before, as much as he wants me thinking I hadn’t and have been in denial, and I will again and truly feel like I almost am. It’s scary right now accepting these thoughts that cause me distress, and being confused whether I like them or not, whether I’m still attracted to my wife, etc. but I can remember a time when these thoughts didn’t plague me as much, and know the thoughts that I’ve had pop up during the years wasn’t me but him. This will always be a battle but he can only win if I let him.
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