sam_ob

Date posted: 5y

Read an article today about men who went into straight marriages and were in denial. Many of them spent years questioning their sexuality and suffered a great deal cause of that. Of course over time they’ve had to come out to their wives and family and stop living secret live. That was a massive trigger but the more I read and resisted most of my compulsions the more I noticed how clearer and calmer things are once you accept the thoughts. Not looking for any reassurance just wanna know if anyone has confronted this fear as well and any tips or advices on doing ERP and accepting uncertainty would be nice

Sexual Orientation OCD

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

It sounds like you're doing a really good job, that's a big exposure to do because it what you read indicates that some people never know or don't know for a very long time. Sometimes it takes being faced with and cornered by that stark reality, for us to decide that we need to refocus on living our lives in the face of a worry like this, as the alternative is to continue to suffer and suffer. I have some advice on ERP which might help with the sticky compulsions that you struggled more to resist: try to bring your focus into your body and the sensations in it, and zoom in on them if you can. It can be very freeing to find that our emotions are physiological and so when we let them be in our bodies without resisting or trying to solve them, they turn out to just be physical sensations. Maybe some tightness or heaviness, some aching. Try to notice where it is in your body and describe the sensations to yourself. Notice that you're doing a great job of feeling them, they aren't harming you or making you do anything, they're just sitting there. A bit uncomfortable, maybe there are some physical feelings there which you associate with panic but even those are only physical, perhaps that one is more sharp and intense. Attentively noticing and breathing through the physical takes us out of the mental responses to and judgements of the physical feelings (solving, fearing, attaching personal meanings), and as you feel them, they can be intense for a while but the longer you do it the more they just ebb away. If you're able to focus on them to completion, you can be left with a wonderful sense of peace, which can take hours but is worth it. Doing this method helped me to develop a sense of strength and confidence in my ability to handle whatever uncomfortable feelings I have, and to separate them from my linked fears and beliefs.

sam_ob

Date posted: 5y

Thank you so much for this response I will take your advice. Doing this exposure and reading watching things about denial and internalised homophobia have been extremely scary but very eye opening. My groinal reactions are reducing bit by bit which is awesome. Able to look at ways I could turn gay, be gay or be secretly gay and not panic as much as I use to. Furthermore I’m not able to access an OCD therapist cause I live in Nigeria. However, constantly finding new was to push the boundaries of my fears and looking for advices and ideas

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

@sam_ob That's great that you're approaching the issue in multiple ways to work on the intensity of your resistance to the thoughts/the worry. They're what's called "ego dystonic" because the fear doesn't align with your self-image, so some amount of resistance will always be there, but just like you are doing with internalised homophobia, to really get on top of my OCDs I have had to take a second look at some of my beliefs. For example, I had zoophilia OCD and part of getting rid of it meant I had to address some assumptions and prejudices I had about it, and unpack my feelings of stigma about it to see whether they actually made sense or if I had internalised a societal view of it which was flawed. And with POCD it can be helpful to draw distinctions between thought and actions and come to new personal beliefs about whether the amount of stigma pedophilia (rather than actual child abuse) receives is justified. I'm of the firm belief that there is no sexual preference or orientation which can make one a "bad person". I don't even believe in the idea of a "bad person" anymore. There are harmful actions but even these usually are driven by mental illness, trauma or isolation.

sam_ob

Date posted: 5y

@Louw Yes I had take a deep dive into internalised homophobia and it became apparent that it was part of the problem. You see growing up in Nigeria it’s extremely taboo but I have been able to clear that up. Probably wasn’t just meant to be a judgemental person. I allow myself to look at men and recognise they are attractive and comment on their finer features as uncomfortable as it can be sometimes. Even just say them out loud in front of people and recognised it’s not a big deal. I still get a lot of repaulsive reactions whenever I get sexual intrusive thoughts and I follow up with them till the end (making out, having oral sex or sex etc) that use to be a form of reassurance for me but not it feels like an hinderance. However, I just had to learn that some gay traits may be for me others are probably just not for me and that’s fine as well

irish_and_ocd

Date posted: 5y

That is something I have really really struggled with in the past because it is a truly terrifying thought. Still battling with HOCD but things are gradually improving. It is hard, but we are strong and we can do this. Have you heard of Better Help or Faithful Counselling? This is what I use for therapy because I am unable to access a therapist locally. Have a look online at this platform and see if it might work for you.

sam_ob

Date posted: 5y

Yeah it is so rough sometimes but really you start to see how you’re the biggest problem for feeding into this fear way too much and slowly they start to actually feel funny to me. I have a high sense of humor so I try and use it to my advantage as much as I can. And thank you so much for giving me those suggestions on getting a therapist I have been searching everywhere lol

irish_and_ocd

Date posted: 5y

@sam_ob No problem at all! I really hope you find a therapist that works for you. Don't settle for secone best. Fight for the amazing future you have ahead of you!

sam_ob

Date posted: 5y

I will continue to push fight for a better future without this thanks to your help and this community. Were you able to find a therapist that is a specialist in OCD though?

irish_and_ocd

Date posted: 5y

Not specifically specialist in OCD but my therapist has worked woth a lot of clients previously with OCD and she has been really helpful. Just make sure that when you are matched with a therapist, you ask them some questions to make sure they have a thorough understanding. If they don't, then change therapists.

sam_ob

Date posted: 5y

Uh okay. What questions did you ask your therapist? Sorry for bugging you Im just nervous and just wanna get it right lol

irish_and_ocd

Date posted: 5y

No worries, I get it! I asked her if she had experience treating OCD. You could ask them what methods they use, like ERP or other techniques. Ask them if they are confident that they can help you recover and ask how long they expect recovery to take. Just kind of get a feel of how good their knowledge is of OCD, how it works and stufd. You could also ask them to lay down some rules/guidelines so that they don't become part of your compulsions, like making sure they understand not to offer you reassurance. You could email Better Help and ask them for a free trial if you don't want to commit right away. Just make sure they know what they are talking about!

sam_ob

Date posted: 5y

@Praise Oh alright perfect. You’ve really been helpful and thank you so much❤️. Will get right on it this evening and hope to talk to you even more down line

irish_and_ocd

Date posted: 5y

No problem at all, I really hope it helps. You have a future ahead of you so don't give up fighting for it!

wewillgetthr...

Date posted: 25w

Some things that are making me feel alone

Here are some things that make me feel alone and isolated in my journey with sexual orientation OCD: 1. This feels like a complete identity crisis. I think that is what makes it so hard. It seems to go against everything I believe myself to be and who I always have identified as. 2. My compulsions, thoughts, triggers, and everything else that comes along with this disease feels and seems like I’m the only one that struggles with those things. My thoughts and images in my head often seems so real that it can only be me in denial. 3. Because this sub type of OCD is so sexual in nature, it has made my sex life with my husband, a really hard situation. Because I always get afraid and sex that I will think of these thoughts, I subconsciously then think of those thoughts, and if I have any type of feeling associated with those thoughts, it feels like proof that those thoughts are real and that makes it even harder. 4. Because a lot of the pleasure that comes with sex is on hot for me while I’m figuring out in this journey with OCD, my mind has convinced me that it is because I will only feel those things if I were with someone at the same sex (I am a straight female. I have a fear of being homosexual.). Well, all those things have made it really hard for me to function daily, I am doing a lot better at finding ways to combat those. I wanted to offer some of the things that I find that help me move past these thoughts and while it’s not always a perfect fix, it’s really helped. 1. I tried to remind myself daily that while love is a feeling it’s also choice. I have to remind myself to get up every single day and choose my husband not because I always feel like choosing him because that is who I choose. That is who I want. That is who I want to grow a relationship with to have a child with Thus why I always don’t feel that love, I always choose it. And while this can be really hard because just society as a whole has made us have these unrealistic ideas about what love is and made us think that love is just this huge with butterflies and sparks, it’s not always that. 2. I try to remind myself that these are just thoughts. And thoughts are not who I am. I don’t have to become the thoughts. I’m not a bad person for thinking of thoughts, and I don’t have to believe the thoughts. 3. When I get, like I often do, groinal responses to the things that I am thinking or seeing in my mind I just remind myself that those are responses to the anxiety I have. I’m not thinking those because I want to think those, but it’s in a response too The fear that I will think those and that I will get that response and then in turn I get the response. 4. I tried to remind myself that this isn’t a fear of coming out like if I was gay, this is a fear associated with a thought that I would be because that’s not who I am. If I really was gay, I would like the thought I would like the pleasure and I would be afraid of coming out. But in this situation, I don’t want any of the thoughts not because I’m afraid of coming out of this because it’s not who I am. If that makes sense.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 17w

Any Advice?

Hey everyone, just wanted to post an honest update on where I’m at in my HOCD recovery. Right now, I'm stuck in what feels like a 24/7 spike — nonstop thoughts, intrusive sensations, identity doubts, and hyperfocus. The worst part? It feels real. Like I’ve “lost,” like I’ve accepted it, like I am gay. The thoughts don't feel like anxiety anymore — they feel like truth. I’ve been trying to do ERP, but the spike has been so constant I don’t even have to “do exposures” — the thoughts, feelings, and sensations are just there all day long. It’s like living inside an exposure. And it’s exhausting. BUT — here’s what I’ve been doing (and what I’m sticking to now): I say once: “These thoughts and feelings are welcome to stay for as long as they want.” I let the doubt, the feelings, the hyperfocus exist. I don’t check, test, or analyze — even when it screams at me. I live my life anyway — folding clothes, watching TV, eating, walking — with the storm in my head. Even when it feels 100% real. Even when I’m fully focused on it. I’ve stopped trying to feel better. I’m letting it all burn — and just not fixing it. It doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like progress.

ocdsurviver

Date posted: 15w

How do y’all deal with this?

I’ve recovered from HOCD before and got my attraction and my usual actual identity back. I was recovered from end 2022- start 2025 until I got triggered UGHHH😭 My HOCD is REALLY trying to convince me and it’s SO annoying cause I genuinely don’t want these thoughts. I know I naturally like men and always have done so. I can’t wait for my first therapy session in two days Omg! I need your advice, not necessarily reassurance, but more advice? My HOCD is throwing random “proof” I did/ saw as a child in my face, which back then had no meaning in my life and I continued to live a perfectly heterosexual life. I’ve educated myself about arousal non concordance / child’s play, but it still doesn’t remove the HOCD. I’ve read therapists great explanations on how it’s not a sexuality issue, BUT ITS AN OCD BRAIN ISSUE. So basically I’ve been straight and i will die as straight. But my ocd is still continuing with the intrusive thoughts/flashbacks. I’ve had some moments where I haven’t done as many compulsions and had less anxiety but still had those damn thoughts and I DO NOT want those damn thoughts. I have so much proof and factual/logical explanations but HOCD is still continuing to thrive. I absolutely hate this and I feel so alone. I wish there was a reset button cause I don’t want these thoughts to happen. I want a man and I stand by that. How do y’all deal with these situations? Cause sitting with the thoughts is clearly not helping.

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