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- 5y ago
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Heyo I’m a teenager. I’ve never been in a relationship before so you can take my advice or not, it’s 100% up to you. Okii so at first I was going to say “RED FLAG! ABORT ABORT!” But as i continued reading and saw all the things he went/ and is going through it kind of made sense as to why he is acting that way. He’s hurt. His dad passed away, mom now has cancer. He’s hurt. Anybody would be hurt if they were going through that. I don’t think he needs space, I think he needs you. Comfort him, tell him that you’re there for him if he needs a shoulder to cry on. I’m no psychiatrist but I think he’s insecure, or doubting himself, that’s why he tells you that you guys aren’t right for each other. Shower him with love ❤️
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- 5y ago
Thankyou for your reply ? yeah this is why I’m torn!!! On one hand, he’s not being fair or reasonable. I worry about him a LOT. He freaks over the neighbors, hammers the walls when we hear their tv (tbh it IS loud constantly) he blasts music back to them or he throws bird seed onto their roof to get the birds to fuck their house up... He definitely seems low and stressed and very easily annoyed. I feel I need to constantly ask him “you okay?” he will ALWAYS says yes, even when he’s clearly not, which makes me worry it’s ME and he just won’t say. At times I’ve asked him about this and he says I have to stop assuming it’s always me, but as my last ten year relationship ended suddenly with no warning, I now see signs of this one ending in EVERYTHING He’s worried about his mortgage and his income, his ex owns the business with him and now I just feel frantic
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- 5y ago
@uwotm8 You’re right, he’s not being reasonable at all. If anything, he’s acting like a baby. I know he’s going through some tough shit, but that’s not the right way to handle it. If talking won’t get through to him then maybe meditation or therapy? Excercising is also a good way to relieve stress. I know that may sound dumb but you never know. I would recommend relationship counseling but because of Covid-19 I don’t think any hours would be open.
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- 5y ago
Him going through difficult experiences is not an excuse for bad behavior. It might explain it, but it doesn't make it ok or acceptable
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- 5y ago
Do you think it’s unacceptable? He’s nice and thoughtful mostly can you read below please?
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- 5y ago
Being sensitive and anxious is not an invitation for someone to hurt you
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- 5y ago
I know I know you can’t decide what’s unacceptable for me but as an outsider do you think it seems a bit unfair? I genuinely feel confused and I often feel on edge and hold my breath My friends want me to go back to my place too they think he’s not the most stable but I worry I just painted a bad picture by venting? He’s not always like This
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- 5y ago
@uwotm8 I feel i have to constantly prove I’m worth having, and I feel so on edge and like I’m NOT really worth it, but it might be my Own self esteem? and he’s right that I’m manipulative?
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- 5y ago
i've been in a healthy relationship for 5 years. i know this might not be what you want to hear. but without a doubt this guy seems to flip his switch easily. this is a big trigger for anxiety. i get the sense that if you even talked to him about how you feel he would get defensive over his behavior-- a bad sign. just from what you shared, i know that in a healthy relationship these problems would occur rarely, and some you mentioned not at all, definitely not so consistently. and in a good connection between two people you should be able to openly talk about anything without feeling like the other person could snap on your or react badly. also the drinking problem will most likely only get worse unless professional help intervenes. also, regardless of someone going thru a rough time, they should confide in you and talk with you about it. anger and lashing out has nothing to do with what a person is going thru. they are just that kind of person to begin with, and any stress will only amplify that behavior. love is blind, this is true, but put your mental health first if this is taking a toll on you. you are 100% justified in feeling confused and nervous. in my opinion i dont think its entirely ocd, i think thats your gut telling you that something isnt right.
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- 5y ago
Thank you SO much for replying I’m very grateful!! I don’t think it’s just ocd either tbh. I’m gobsmacked at the things that left his mouth the other night to the point I didn’t even cry I just sat there wide eyed? He said himself he’s ashamed how he spoke to me but when I said I think he’s depressed and needs help he’s like “no absolutely not I’ll just have to snap out of it” He reckons promising not to do it again would be disingenuous and said “what if I DID do it again? I’m ducked then aren’t I” because I said next time I will just leave I don’t wanna be called a waste of space a cunt etc etc or that “you’d clearly prefer to be with someone who treats you like shit” (because I had some awful experiences before him...kind you, his ex of ten years emotionally and physically abused him so I could say the same thing to him when I’m nothing but good to him) He’s very lovely to my family and always says my friends are welcome over but I feel I have a bad taste in my mouth. especially cuz he walked off just this evening saying “god you’re so fucking triggered” and when I went “ugh ffs!!!” Because it’s happened with his attitude showing up again already, he was like “why did you just tell me to fuck off?” Then asked me to move our the way when I went for a kiss
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- 5y ago
@uwotm8 yeah, red flags everywhere. be graceful and leave if you decide its not working for you. you WILL find somebody more compatible for you down the road. you don't have to settle for anything less than ideal. you can love the qualities a person has, but it means nothing if they turn sour consistently. it sounds like when he's angry, he forgets everything about you as a human & wants to hurt your feelings to show how angry he is with you. that is a horrible characteristic to have and it will not change. theres no excuse. its already a good sign that you are noticing this behavior and realizing that its not normal. many people stay in relationships like this their whole life and remain unhappy!
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- 5y ago
@lilith Thankyou for your help again much appreciated ? I think you’re right. I don’t know how to go from here because I do love him and I do care about him, and I want it to work but I feel like he doesn’t care when he’s annoyed anymore. He said that I am the best person he’s ever been with. He’s described his exes as a bit tapped as they all hit him at some point (his last ex has done some INSANE things) or cheated, both of which I have never done to anyone nor would I ever.
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- 5y ago
Ugh he’s being weird today again? I asked him if there’s anything around the house he feels I don’t do enough to help with and he said well yeah the dishes you only do about once a week (I do them more than that. Not every single day but more) and now he’s bashing stuff around in kitchen sink to passively aggressively prove I don’t do them enough? I said I do other things too. The laundry, and vacuuming etc and then because I forgot some stuff in the washing machine he looked inside and called me to ask if “anything else needs to go in cuz there’s stuff that needs washing again” then he threw our pizza boxes down the cellar stairs for bin collection the next day, and also he moved his chair away “to be able to sit in it” when I asked him if he was moving from me he was like “uhhhhh no. I just need to move it to be able to sit there?” He avoided a kiss too. I asked his opinion on what running shoes I need to buy too and he’s like shrugging at me and saying “I dunno. You know your own feet better”. He’s been lovely all day now this? Am I wrong for asking what he thinks then defending myself when I think it wasn’t fair? He denied then, that he said I only do washing g up once a week?
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- 5y ago
I mean, if you ask someone what they think about something you should be open to anything they say. BUT if what they say is rude or disrespectful then you have the right to defend yourself.
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- 5y ago
@sillybilly I was, but what he claimed wasn’t true and then when I explained why I was upset he denied saying it
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- 5y ago
I went to have a bath to have some space from him and he knocked the door to say he’s going to bed. I said “aw give me a kiss then?” He said “no I don’t want to” then closed the door
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- 5y ago
I can't decide for you whether you believe his behavior is acceptable. That's a personal decision. I'm hearing that it's really distressing to you though
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- 5y ago
Problem is I can’t tell what’s acceptable, and what I’m overreacting to... because I’m too close to the situation and he always is SO confident I’m wrong I can’t tell anymore
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- 5y ago
@uwotm8 That sounds like he has been gaslighting you.... I can't know for sure, but it's the sense I get
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- 5y ago
@NOCD Advocate - Katie I feel like that sometimes but then his ex did exactly that so surely he’s not doing it to me?
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- 5y ago
@uwotm8 You could just as easily conclude that he learned it from his ex.
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- 5y ago
@NOCD Advocate - Katie I don’t know what to do he’s always cycling between “I’ll look after you you should move in” to “this is fucked you need to leave/or we need to talk” He just came into the bathroom to tell me he won’t kiss me and he’s noticed in manipulative and he’s not got time for it but I only defended myself over what he said? He’s generous with treats and holidays and days out (not now, obviously) but now he’s being mean to me o think? But I AM sensitive and anxious and he always reminds me I’m sensitive and needy too
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- 5y ago
@NOCD Advocate - Katie I don’t think I am manipulative?
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- 5y ago
@uwotm8 We have been drinking this afternoon too and I noticed lately he always gets confrontational specifically with certain vodka brands. When he bought it today I thought “aw no ? “ he has a secret empty bottle I found him drinking last week and it made sense cuz around that time he was being mean then too
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- 5y ago
If it were me, I would not continue dating someone, let alone living with someone who treated me the way you are describing
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- 5y ago
He tells me he loves me and he squeezes me tight at night sometimes and says “I’ll look after you” and the next minute he’s a douche and then he apologises/doesn’t remember it? Cuz of drink? He just called me again from the bedroom and I’m still in the bath, he thought I was in bed with him and I’ve been here for an hour...he said he was trying to talk to me and I wasn’t even there
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- 5y ago
I mean he even says I’m too soft, too understanding and even accused me of being a “doormat” the other day when I asked him not to blast music back at the noisy neighbors and throw food on their roof for being too loud with their tv...he’s hammered their wall with my heels, screamed “CUNTS!!!!!!” At them and now maintains he knows how to maintain a sense of mediation when he FINALLY posted a note I asked him to do for weeks (to which he said was doormat like. But it worked afterall) Now I’m apparently manipulative and have been ever since he knew me
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- 5y ago
He sometimes uses my horrid past sexual experiences against me too when he’s drunk
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- 5y ago
I wish I never told him
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- 5y ago
What the fuck is wrong with me My family all love him my friends dislike him. My friends haven’t met him though, maybe it IS me? I don’t even know anymore I feel conflicted like I don’t deserve to feel on edge but I also don’t believe that sickly love I crave actually exists and this is all realistic? My last ex left me with no warning after ten years so I mean...? He never took me anywhere and never took me on holiday so I mean in THAT way this IS an improvement? Maybe I’m asking too much or expecting too much
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- 5y ago
I don't think thinking about it more is the way to make a decision. Relationships aren't rational. Emotions are central. I remember how scared you were a few months ago of being single, and how much physical security your relationship provides. It's bound to be scary to realize that some of what he does really hurts you. Is how you're feeling now the way you want to keep feeling in a relationship?
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- 5y ago
Not really. But when he’s good he’s good so I feel like I’d be passing up MY opportunity to another girl and I know I would Be jealous to the point it will make me unwell
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- 5y ago
@uwotm8 Being super nice after being cruel is a common strategy abusers use to keep their victim in the relationship. I'm not saying that he is or isn't abusive, I can't tell that from a text conversation. But it's worth realizing that the function of the nice behavior may have some not so nice motives behind it. And that your response to being treated in conflicting ways is normal, not pathological
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- 5y ago
He’s so STRONGLY against abuse I’m very confused. I helped him see that his ex gaslit and emotionally abused him, and he says we are on the same page in general etc. Why does he want me to move in if I’m such a problem then? He was LOVELT no questions asked a year ago. Now, it seems to cycle between “god I love you” to “this is FUCKED I need you to go” Then I go to leave. And he says “hang on I never said that”
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- 5y ago
He’s told me how disgusted he is with the fact his exes friend is still a shell of a person since her abusive ex husband etc and his OWN ex was abuse? Surely he isn’t?
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- 5y ago
@uwotm8 Him thinking abuse is bad doesn't preclude him from behaving in hurtful ways. Plenty of people act in ways that contradict their own values. Some are aware of the contradiction,bothers aren't
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- 5y ago
We talked this morning cuz he could feel I was tense. I said well yeah because of last night. He goes “what happened last night? You had a bath and I went to bed” So I replied well the arguement? Suddenly he starts going off at me again because he obviously DID know what I was talking about. We got arguing again this morning as a result and he was like fuck off then So I suggested I did go back to my place for a bit for some space as he suggests it all the time. BUT the minute I suggest it he says to take ALL of my things back because he can’t be fucking bothered with mind games now He keeps asking me to move in!!! Then he suggests I go away for space but when I want to cuz he told me to fuck off/fuck you, he wants me out completely now Is this fair? I’m not even sure
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- 5y ago
Some distance might help you get better perspective
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- 5y ago
After that conversation we talk again in the night but it was very one sided and him yelling at me He called me a an angry cunt, a prick, a bastard, a pig, said I’m like my father who I don’t even have a relationship with, called me a whore a slut and told me to “fuck off” literally between every word I spoke to defend myself. He said when I left in the morning he’d tell me “to fuck off some more too then”. I packed my shit, and got into bed. in the night he started squeezing me tight. He was super apologetic in the morning, made me breakfast and he admitted to his sister what he said to me. She has said he was wrong for it too. This is all so strange to me. He was never like this when we met last year. Yesterday he said “I am ashamed of myself for the way I behaved. I’m not happy and it’s not fair for me to treat you that way just because of how I feel”. He cried actual tears too. But later in the day I said “I accept your apology because it is out of character, but next time if there’s any name calling, I’ll just leave. So you have to promise not to ever do that again.” He replied “I certainly don’t intend on that again I’m disgusted. But how can I realistically promise never to do it again? I didn’t wanna do it this time so if I say ‘babe I promise never to again’ and I slipped up, it would be disingenuous of me. I certainly don’t expect to do it again though. Do you see what I’m saying?” Today he’s been weird and distant and when I tried to hug him when he said he was going to bed early he was really half assed. I said how it felt and he replied with “well when was the last time you followed me to bed then? Bed isn’t just for sleep.” But normally he claims that bed time sex seems obligatory? And he always implies he’s going to sleep too so I didn’t know!!!! Then he said as he walked away “god you’re so fucking triggered”
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- 5y ago
So he admitted that it probably will happen again
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- 5y ago
That’s what I said and he’s like “I don’t intend on it but what if I do and I promised I wouldn’t?” I said you need to have control over it? Cuz I never name call? He’s like “yeah well it’s not like this happens all the time and our relationship is defined by it. It’s not like I make a habit of this” etc etc And to be fair he is good in many ways but I feel like his grief lately makes him less affectionate...now this
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- 5y ago
@uwotm8 The relationship may not be defined by it, but there's a clear and persistent pattern
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- 5y ago
@NOCD Advocate - Katie I can’t tell if what he said could be considered abusive or not, he has never hit me but he upset me the other day with what he said. Plus, any other issue I have with ANYTHING, people always put it down to my ocd and anxiety so maybe I AM just sensitive? I recorded what he was saying so I could listen back to see if it’s as bad as I remember but I haven’t listened yet
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- 5y ago
@uwotm8 There's a lot of grey area between a healthy relationship and full on physical abuse. Relationships can be unhealthy without physical aggression
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- 5y ago
@NOCD Advocate - Katie Well he’s not physically abusive no. I’m wondering if it’s fair to think what he called me was verbally abusive
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- 5y ago
Why does the label matter?
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- 5y ago
Oh then don’t worry it’s fine. I’m just trying to work out if he’s fucking with my head or not.
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- 5y ago
@uwotm8 If you reread this conversation, what do you notice about what you say?
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- 5y ago
@NOCD Advocate - Katie I don’t really have time for this coaching speak, I just need to hear from an outsider because I haven’t spoken to friends or family
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- 5y ago
@uwotm8 I've already shared what I would do. Apparently that wasn't enough to settle your mind. If me saying what I would do didn't work one time, I'm not going to put energy into trying that strategy again
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- 5y ago
@NOCD Advocate - Katie God I just don’t know what to do it sucks. He’s been blanking me most of the night and yesterday he said “it’s not like I do it all the time” so to leave maybe is an overreaction? I just don’t know anymore. I can’t tell if he’s justifying verbal and emotional abuse or not and I can’t tell my friends or family what he’s been saying when he’s drunk
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- 5y ago
@uwotm8 This whole relationship is just unhealthy. If he’s gonna be a bitch whenever you try to calmly talk to him then stop wasting your time and get out of there. Maybe you guys can try space so he can get his mind back together. He can’t keep taking his anger out on you and treating you like complete garbage.
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- 5y ago
@uwotm8 I think the fact that you're not comfortable telling your family about his behavior is an incredibly telling red flag
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- 5y ago
@NOCD Advocate - Katie He was telling me it was eye opening for him the other day and accused me of manipulating him, and I thought well no! I didn’t want that? He said he saw red flags in me weirdly enough now you jogged my memory
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- 5y ago
Also his sister said to me “he feels bad about rowing with you, I think he’s tired and stressed with everything and the lockdown made it harder”
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- 5y ago
I just don’t know if this is just something I should take as part of the bad in a relationship to also experience the good? When he’s good, he’s reallllllly Good!! But when he’s bad I feel like crying But he does loads of nice things for me and plans things, takes me on holidays etc etc and my ex never did any of that
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- 5y ago
There’s people out there who would do that stuff for you and not be a bitch when being confronted. He isn’t the only man out here.
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- 5y ago
@sillybilly Are there though? My ex never bothered with anything like that but never treated me poorly either Then I had a 6 month relationship with someone who used to talk to me like shit about what I wore, try to tell me what to wear and called me a slut etc etc for what I wore, didn’t like my male friends, slapped me during sex, demanded anal sex once a week, and I tried to leave him multiple times and he’d beg me and cry plead say he’d get help then when I’d take him back he wouldn’t bother. Then when I DID leave him he threatened to kill himself. His mother told me I was unkind for not staying with him despite having police check on him. Then I had a string of douchebags who I casually dated, all quite insulting really and now this I’m starting to think the way I want to be loved simply exists in my head! That’s why I struggle to make a decision here as I think well if I want the good, maybe I HAVE to accept the bad too
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- 5y ago
@uwotm8 Honey, where on earth are you meeting these guys at? If the bad you speak of is hurting you then you don’t gotta accept it. Get those toxic people out of your life.
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- 5y ago
@sillybilly Well just normal places other people meet!!! That’s why I think love doesn’t exist for me. Not the ideal kind anyway. I’ve had enough proof to show me it doesn’t exist other than in fiction!
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- 5y ago
@uwotm8 Ugh, fiction makes love look sooo nice. But love takes blood, sweat, and tears. I still read them romance books tho ?
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- 5y ago
@sillybilly Well that’s why o think maybe this is why I have to put up with his shit. But my friend maintains he’s not nice to me
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- 5y ago
@uwotm8 I understand. But some people just won’t change no matter how many times you voice your feelings and opinions. If he’s not willing to change and put more effort into the relationship then get your ass out of there. Don’t take his “my mom has cancer, I’m so stressed” bs. He can’t justify his actions, period.
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- 5y ago
@sillybilly Ahh thanks ?
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- 5y ago
He’s been upstairs all day now avoiding me and being in a mood....
Related posts
- Date posted
- 11w ago
I'm 18, and been in a relationship with my man for nearly 2 years. I started living with him around 2 months ago, and all I do is think about if he's cheating. We were long distance for a year and a half of our relationship, maybe seeing eachother once every month or two. I decided to move in with him, and ever since all I can think about is if he's cheating or watching porn. When he's in another room I think he's doing something wrong, I have to check on him every ten minutes to ease my anxiety. I didn't have this problem before moving in. Granted he has talked to some girls on his phone, even having his ex on his phone (didn't do anything bad) and he is porn addicted though he is getting better for me. It's gotten so bad I want to leave him. A couple days ago I broke up with him and it absolutely broke my heart, I couldn't bare it so I gave him a month to show me he can do better, and for me to work on myself. If I'm still unhappy with us I'm going to leave. I love this boy more than anything. I'm scared to be without him, this is my first real relationship. At this point I refuse to even sleep until he is sleeping. I don't want to start over, I don't want to leave him, but I really can't take this pain it's causing me. It's all I think about. I've convinced myself so many times that he's cheating, but I know he wouldn't. I question whether it's anxiety or intuition. Maybe I just know deep down he really is cheating and I just don't want to believe it. I don't know. I don't think he would do that, but at the same time he's really into women. I hate that he looks at other girls in a sexual way, it bothers me so much, and we talk about it often, but with it being an addiction it's difficult. He has gotten a lot better since we have talked about it. He understands I have an issue and is usually happy to talk about it over and over and promise me over and over that he's not cheating. He allows me to have his phone whenever I want and everything, I have no reason to think he's cheating, but I can't get over it. It's not fair to him either. How do I deal with this? How do I stop hurting so much?
- Date posted
- 7w ago
Can anyone validate my feelings/felt the same way. I overthink a lot about my relationship, but I especially worry my boyfriend will randomly change behaviors and become toxic. He’s never had toxic behaviors but I worry at some point in our relationship he could possibly change, and it consumes me sometimes.
- Date posted
- 7w ago
Does anyone else struggle with object permanence in relationships? Like whenever my partner is out of the house I immediately think negatively or I find things wrong with the relationship or him… For background my partner and I always fight over chores (I know it’s common but it’s annoying) I definitely pull more weight than him and I think he has ADHD, which makes him struggle to help and be aware of helping. Lately we’ve been somewhat good with splitting meals and dishes whatever, I know it can change with work stress, fatigue whatever. But last week my partner was out of the house watching his uncle’s dog so he was barely home. He was sleeping over at his uncles house and would come home for meals sometimes and stuff like that. I started becoming super fixated on him not helping with the dishes before he left and would constantly feel urges to yell about it. Even though the week prior everything was good when it came to that (sometimes with my ROCD I’ll even question myself and be like was it?) so I have started 4 separate fights arguing about dishes and chores and mentioning that he doesn’t help enough and if this continues I’ll have to leave… it’s so hard for me to snap out of it and just realize that he was going back and forth and didn’t think to help because he was busy with helping his uncle. And then I get such a negative view of him in my head that I nitpick his appearance, I make comments, etc, because my underlying fear is he doesn’t care to help, he will never change, and we will fail. So it’s almost like I’m looking to have a reason to run before I actually need to? It’s a constant cycle for me and I’m truly so exhausted by myself. But also relationships are so hard for me because I struggled SO much with trying to depend on others that I almost don’t let myself depend on others…. Any advice is appreciated but also just like do you also experience this? Thank you & pls be kind 🥺🥺🥺
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