Ugh so I said I wouldn’t use this app ever again because I was getting unnecessary horrid responses from certain individuals but I need help I’m not sure if Im putting up with too much from my boyfriend or not. He knows I have anxiety/ocd and knows about my relationship and attachment insecurities. I’ve been with him for just over a year and planned to move in officially with him. I’ve basically been living at his house for 6 months so he asked me to move in. I’m worried about moving. He’s implied we aren’t right for each other regularly ever since I’ve known him which makes me spiral internally and shut down from fear of abandonment. I even got obsessed with “what if I have an undetected std and he thinks I cheated and leaves me” He says he’s only ever implied that once or twice, which is not true. and is still too much anyway regardless. One minute he wants me to move in, the next he wants space. He drinks too much too. I know he’s secret drinking but he doesn’t know that I know. He started talking to me badly about a past sexual experience I had before him the other night, and then I found an empty bottle of vodka. He seems to talk shit when he’s had vodka. I’ve also seen him hide empty cans and he’s avoided kissing me when I’ve caught him drinking straight spirit (I wanted to see his reaction) I wonder if he’s depressed. I read it can manifest in anger in men. He’s not sleeping properly, waking up anxious and having nightmares. He felt so low last week he said I didn’t deserve to be around him, and said “I’m sorry I’m not the same person you met. You need to think about what you want”. I asked him to think about seeing a doctor and he dismissed it immediately. He’s going through loads. Ever since I met him he’s had loads to worry about. His father died when I was casually seeing him, his ex was causing him trouble and now with this coronavirus his business is in trouble, and his mother has just been diagnosed with cancer too. He’s being irrationally angry, and irritable.He told me to “fuck off back home then” last week when his regularly problem neighbors were being noisy again and I asked him to not retaliate, and tonight he said I was “annoying him by talking and saying the same thing repeatedly “when he was trying to read something. He doesn’t seem to be affectionate unless I go for hugs or kisses first. When I bring it up he says I’m not being fair. He’s thoughtful in other ways, he buys gifts, or plans nice things etc and has taken me on holiday a few times already, but I feel like I have to *ask* for hugs. He’s more affectionate for a day or two after having sex though. Any time he’s quiet I think he’s planning on leaving me. My last relationship ended that way. And now when he gets in a mood he tells me to go back to my place. So I think it’s reasonable to always be on guard, and feel at fault for every low mood he has. When I said I was worried he would have me move in, then decide he doesn’t want me after all and then I’ve given up my place, his solution was “go back there then” instead of reassuring me it’s a good thing and he really wants me there TLDR: am I overthinking my boyfriends moods and actions, is he depressed? or am I justified in feeling confused and fucking nervous?

Thankyou for your reply ? yeah this is why I’m torn!!! On one hand, he’s not being fair or reasonable. I worry about him a LOT. He freaks over the neighbors, hammers the walls when we hear their tv (tbh it IS loud constantly) he blasts music back to them or he throws bird seed onto their roof to get the birds to fuck their house up... He definitely seems low and stressed and very easily annoyed. I feel I need to constantly ask him “you okay?” he will ALWAYS says yes, even when he’s clearly not, which makes me worry it’s ME and he just won’t say. At times I’ve asked him about this and he says I have to stop assuming it’s always me, but as my last ten year relationship ended suddenly with no warning, I now see signs of this one ending in EVERYTHING He’s worried about his mortgage and his income, his ex owns the business with him and now I just feel frantic

@uwotm8 You’re right, he’s not being reasonable at all. If anything, he’s acting like a baby. I know he’s going through some tough shit, but that’s not the right way to handle it. If talking won’t get through to him then maybe meditation or therapy? Excercising is also a good way to relieve stress. I know that may sound dumb but you never know. I would recommend relationship counseling but because of Covid-19 I don’t think any hours would be open.

Do you think it’s unacceptable? He’s nice and thoughtful mostly can you read below please?

I know I know you can’t decide what’s unacceptable for me but as an outsider do you think it seems a bit unfair? I genuinely feel confused and I often feel on edge and hold my breath My friends want me to go back to my place too they think he’s not the most stable but I worry I just painted a bad picture by venting? He’s not always like This

@uwotm8 I feel i have to constantly prove I’m worth having, and I feel so on edge and like I’m NOT really worth it, but it might be my Own self esteem? and he’s right that I’m manipulative?

Thank you SO much for replying I’m very grateful!! I don’t think it’s just ocd either tbh. I’m gobsmacked at the things that left his mouth the other night to the point I didn’t even cry I just sat there wide eyed? He said himself he’s ashamed how he spoke to me but when I said I think he’s depressed and needs help he’s like “no absolutely not I’ll just have to snap out of it” He reckons promising not to do it again would be disingenuous and said “what if I DID do it again? I’m ducked then aren’t I” because I said next time I will just leave I don’t wanna be called a waste of space a cunt etc etc or that “you’d clearly prefer to be with someone who treats you like shit” (because I had some awful experiences before him...kind you, his ex of ten years emotionally and physically abused him so I could say the same thing to him when I’m nothing but good to him) He’s very lovely to my family and always says my friends are welcome over but I feel I have a bad taste in my mouth. especially cuz he walked off just this evening saying “god you’re so fucking triggered” and when I went “ugh ffs!!!” Because it’s happened with his attitude showing up again already, he was like “why did you just tell me to fuck off?” Then asked me to move our the way when I went for a kiss

@uwotm8 yeah, red flags everywhere. be graceful and leave if you decide its not working for you. you WILL find somebody more compatible for you down the road. you don't have to settle for anything less than ideal. you can love the qualities a person has, but it means nothing if they turn sour consistently. it sounds like when he's angry, he forgets everything about you as a human & wants to hurt your feelings to show how angry he is with you. that is a horrible characteristic to have and it will not change. theres no excuse. its already a good sign that you are noticing this behavior and realizing that its not normal. many people stay in relationships like this their whole life and remain unhappy!

@lilith Thankyou for your help again much appreciated ? I think you’re right. I don’t know how to go from here because I do love him and I do care about him, and I want it to work but I feel like he doesn’t care when he’s annoyed anymore. He said that I am the best person he’s ever been with. He’s described his exes as a bit tapped as they all hit him at some point (his last ex has done some INSANE things) or cheated, both of which I have never done to anyone nor would I ever.

I mean, if you ask someone what they think about something you should be open to anything they say. BUT if what they say is rude or disrespectful then you have the right to defend yourself.

@sillybilly I was, but what he claimed wasn’t true and then when I explained why I was upset he denied saying it

Problem is I can’t tell what’s acceptable, and what I’m overreacting to... because I’m too close to the situation and he always is SO confident I’m wrong I can’t tell anymore

@uwotm8 That sounds like he has been gaslighting you.... I can't know for sure, but it's the sense I get

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I feel like that sometimes but then his ex did exactly that so surely he’s not doing it to me?

@uwotm8 You could just as easily conclude that he learned it from his ex.

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I don’t know what to do he’s always cycling between “I’ll look after you you should move in” to “this is fucked you need to leave/or we need to talk” He just came into the bathroom to tell me he won’t kiss me and he’s noticed in manipulative and he’s not got time for it but I only defended myself over what he said? He’s generous with treats and holidays and days out (not now, obviously) but now he’s being mean to me o think? But I AM sensitive and anxious and he always reminds me I’m sensitive and needy too

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I don’t think I am manipulative?

@uwotm8 We have been drinking this afternoon too and I noticed lately he always gets confrontational specifically with certain vodka brands. When he bought it today I thought “aw no ? “ he has a secret empty bottle I found him drinking last week and it made sense cuz around that time he was being mean then too

He tells me he loves me and he squeezes me tight at night sometimes and says “I’ll look after you” and the next minute he’s a douche and then he apologises/doesn’t remember it? Cuz of drink? He just called me again from the bedroom and I’m still in the bath, he thought I was in bed with him and I’ve been here for an hour...he said he was trying to talk to me and I wasn’t even there

Not really. But when he’s good he’s good so I feel like I’d be passing up MY opportunity to another girl and I know I would Be jealous to the point it will make me unwell

@uwotm8 Being super nice after being cruel is a common strategy abusers use to keep their victim in the relationship. I'm not saying that he is or isn't abusive, I can't tell that from a text conversation. But it's worth realizing that the function of the nice behavior may have some not so nice motives behind it. And that your response to being treated in conflicting ways is normal, not pathological

He’s told me how disgusted he is with the fact his exes friend is still a shell of a person since her abusive ex husband etc and his OWN ex was abuse? Surely he isn’t?

@uwotm8 Him thinking abuse is bad doesn't preclude him from behaving in hurtful ways. Plenty of people act in ways that contradict their own values. Some are aware of the contradiction,bothers aren't

After that conversation we talk again in the night but it was very one sided and him yelling at me He called me a an angry cunt, a prick, a bastard, a pig, said I’m like my father who I don’t even have a relationship with, called me a whore a slut and told me to “fuck off” literally between every word I spoke to defend myself. He said when I left in the morning he’d tell me “to fuck off some more too then”. I packed my shit, and got into bed. in the night he started squeezing me tight. He was super apologetic in the morning, made me breakfast and he admitted to his sister what he said to me. She has said he was wrong for it too. This is all so strange to me. He was never like this when we met last year. Yesterday he said “I am ashamed of myself for the way I behaved. I’m not happy and it’s not fair for me to treat you that way just because of how I feel”. He cried actual tears too. But later in the day I said “I accept your apology because it is out of character, but next time if there’s any name calling, I’ll just leave. So you have to promise not to ever do that again.” He replied “I certainly don’t intend on that again I’m disgusted. But how can I realistically promise never to do it again? I didn’t wanna do it this time so if I say ‘babe I promise never to again’ and I slipped up, it would be disingenuous of me. I certainly don’t expect to do it again though. Do you see what I’m saying?” Today he’s been weird and distant and when I tried to hug him when he said he was going to bed early he was really half assed. I said how it felt and he replied with “well when was the last time you followed me to bed then? Bed isn’t just for sleep.” But normally he claims that bed time sex seems obligatory? And he always implies he’s going to sleep too so I didn’t know!!!! Then he said as he walked away “god you’re so fucking triggered”

That’s what I said and he’s like “I don’t intend on it but what if I do and I promised I wouldn’t?” I said you need to have control over it? Cuz I never name call? He’s like “yeah well it’s not like this happens all the time and our relationship is defined by it. It’s not like I make a habit of this” etc etc And to be fair he is good in many ways but I feel like his grief lately makes him less affectionate...now this

@uwotm8 The relationship may not be defined by it, but there's a clear and persistent pattern

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I can’t tell if what he said could be considered abusive or not, he has never hit me but he upset me the other day with what he said. Plus, any other issue I have with ANYTHING, people always put it down to my ocd and anxiety so maybe I AM just sensitive? I recorded what he was saying so I could listen back to see if it’s as bad as I remember but I haven’t listened yet

@uwotm8 There's a lot of grey area between a healthy relationship and full on physical abuse. Relationships can be unhealthy without physical aggression

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Well he’s not physically abusive no. I’m wondering if it’s fair to think what he called me was verbally abusive

Oh then don’t worry it’s fine. I’m just trying to work out if he’s fucking with my head or not.

@uwotm8 If you reread this conversation, what do you notice about what you say?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I don’t really have time for this coaching speak, I just need to hear from an outsider because I haven’t spoken to friends or family

@uwotm8 I've already shared what I would do. Apparently that wasn't enough to settle your mind. If me saying what I would do didn't work one time, I'm not going to put energy into trying that strategy again

@NOCD Advocate - Katie God I just don’t know what to do it sucks. He’s been blanking me most of the night and yesterday he said “it’s not like I do it all the time” so to leave maybe is an overreaction? I just don’t know anymore. I can’t tell if he’s justifying verbal and emotional abuse or not and I can’t tell my friends or family what he’s been saying when he’s drunk

@uwotm8 This whole relationship is just unhealthy. If he’s gonna be a bitch whenever you try to calmly talk to him then stop wasting your time and get out of there. Maybe you guys can try space so he can get his mind back together. He can’t keep taking his anger out on you and treating you like complete garbage.

@uwotm8 I think the fact that you're not comfortable telling your family about his behavior is an incredibly telling red flag

@NOCD Advocate - Katie He was telling me it was eye opening for him the other day and accused me of manipulating him, and I thought well no! I didn’t want that? He said he saw red flags in me weirdly enough now you jogged my memory

There’s people out there who would do that stuff for you and not be a bitch when being confronted. He isn’t the only man out here.

@sillybilly Are there though? My ex never bothered with anything like that but never treated me poorly either Then I had a 6 month relationship with someone who used to talk to me like shit about what I wore, try to tell me what to wear and called me a slut etc etc for what I wore, didn’t like my male friends, slapped me during sex, demanded anal sex once a week, and I tried to leave him multiple times and he’d beg me and cry plead say he’d get help then when I’d take him back he wouldn’t bother. Then when I DID leave him he threatened to kill himself. His mother told me I was unkind for not staying with him despite having police check on him. Then I had a string of douchebags who I casually dated, all quite insulting really and now this I’m starting to think the way I want to be loved simply exists in my head! That’s why I struggle to make a decision here as I think well if I want the good, maybe I HAVE to accept the bad too

@uwotm8 Honey, where on earth are you meeting these guys at? If the bad you speak of is hurting you then you don’t gotta accept it. Get those toxic people out of your life.

@sillybilly Well just normal places other people meet!!! That’s why I think love doesn’t exist for me. Not the ideal kind anyway. I’ve had enough proof to show me it doesn’t exist other than in fiction!

@uwotm8 Ugh, fiction makes love look sooo nice. But love takes blood, sweat, and tears. I still read them romance books tho ?

@sillybilly Well that’s why o think maybe this is why I have to put up with his shit. But my friend maintains he’s not nice to me

@uwotm8 I understand. But some people just won’t change no matter how many times you voice your feelings and opinions. If he’s not willing to change and put more effort into the relationship then get your ass out of there. Don’t take his “my mom has cancer, I’m so stressed” bs. He can’t justify his actions, period.

@sillybilly Ahh thanks ?