i just had a memory pop up. i looked up the hashtag #lesbian when i was 11 on instagram. one time. because i thought I was a lesbian. that can’t possibly be normal? i feel like i need to tell my entire story on here so i can get honest opinions.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Jay69420

Date posted: 5y

One time I looked up osama... now I am the leader of isis.

missbluesky

Date posted: 5y

okay i’m not going to lie this made me laugh. thank you.

mentowillness

Date posted: 5y

???love that

c444tmommy

Date posted: 5y

i used to do that too and i’m not a lesbian. i literally watch lesbian porn and i am in a happy relationship with my boyfriend. ur into what ur into. that doesn’t dictate ur sexuality

missbluesky

Date posted: 5y

you watch lesbian porn? I do too. i’ve been avoiding it since my flare up.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

You need to stop scanning your memory. I have HOCD and performing this ritual has been both exhausting and depressing. Please be compassionate to yourself and work on letting go. You will never have a memory perfect enough to satisfy your ocd. Be safe and strong❤️

Madeline

Date posted: 5y

I would think like this too because when I was younger and starting to develop I would look at magazine photos of women or of boobs (but I didn’t have hocd then so I never thought it weird because I knew I was straight) I think I did it because I had never seen anything before and I was starting to develop boobs myself and was starting to become more of a woman. I think I was trying to figure out what was going on with my body. And the thing is I never thought of it as being attracted to them. I always said I’m going to marry a man and I like boys

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

I relate to this. I was definitely fascinated by it and was aroused by it, but more so in like a oh my god I’m going to be sexy too way. Like I wanted to have the sexuality of that adult woman. And you’re right, at the time this didn’t interfere at all with my crushes or daydreams about boys.

Madeline

Date posted: 5y

@Yikes1000X Right! Because I remember when I was doing this I was staying with family friends and I had the biggest crush on the son who was a few years older than me. And also when we had the actual like discussion in 5th grade about our bodies I remember feeling embarrassed because I wanted to look at the boys pamphlet ?

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@Madeline I was always trying to be near boys/talk to boys/text boys. My entire life was all about boys so at the time, I was like whatever. Also, porn and stuff was almost always female focused, so seeing “sexy” stuff I wasn’t supposed to look at was mostly women, but I was definitely more fascinated by what men would do to the women.

Madeline

Date posted: 5y

@Yikes1000X Oh me too. When I was younger I always thought about boys and stuff and it wasn’t until hocd that I ever questioned anything. It never even crossed my mind until I developed it that I could be gay. And from what I’ve heard from people who are they knew from a very young age and not when they were 17 lol

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@Madeline Lol same. Mine appeared when I was like 12, went away, and got awful once I got into a great, super happy relationship

Jay69420

Date posted: 5y

Being curious of a topic doesn’t mean you are it. You are using this app for reassurance. No one on here is going to tell you whether you are straight or gay. You need to let it go. It is easier said than done but you defeat this dilemma by stopping caring.

missbluesky

Date posted: 5y

you’re very much right, i have to let it go. it seems so hard to not care about.

Jay69420

Date posted: 5y

@missbluesky I know I was there. I’ll say I’m at 70 percent right now. I have my espisodes. But it’s a matter of baby steps. Try to space out the compulsions, if you can’t stop them.

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