Suicidal OCD or Suicidal Ideation? I feel like I’m not going to survive for long. I feel like the anxiety and pain is going to overwhelm me and that at some point, I will get mad and take my own life without hesitance. I’m always anxious and I like to stay in my bed most of the day without doing anything at all. I always want to talk to the closest people to me and share these thoughts so that they could give me reassurance that I won’t do anything to myself. Sometimes, I get the urge and start feeling that I’m about to do it right away and that something is completely wrong with me. I feel like nobody understands me but ever since I’ve began research, I can relate to alot of the symptoms of self-harm/suicidal OCD. I can’t feel interest in the things I’m doing because there is this constant anxiety and pressure that doesn’t go away. I don’t think I’m going to stay alive for long and I keep praying that I don’t take my own life away or that anything saves me from this.

Thank you for taking your time to respond and share your experience to help support me. Honestly, I’ve reached a point where I can’t tell whether I want to die or not. The only thing I’m sure of is the fear that doesn’t go away. I get the urges and sometimes they feel so real and that I’m supposed to do them and after a lot of ruminating, I end up coming to the conclusion that I need to be hospitalized so that I stay safe. I’ve been told that it’s suicidal OCD but I’m beginning to think it’s more than that. I think it’s somewhat a combination of both suicidal OCD and suicidal ideation and that I’m just too depressed and lost all interest in life. I can’t leave my bed at all except if it’s to go to the toilet. I feel like I’m going crazy and that something is 100% going to happen to me. I don’t know what to do anymore because I always end up with the conclusion that I need hospitalization to stay safe because I don’t know myself well enough and what I want or don’t want.

@FaridaAhmed I understand that as well. There have been instances where I have to seriously ask myself if I need to go to the hospital over it, especially when it first started out. Felt like I was going crazy and there had to be something more than anxiety since it was this level of fear and such a horrible topic. Even now there will be doubt in my head of whether it’s suicidal OCD or maybe I do want to die. All of those things I’ve experienced too. However even if that doubt is present, at some point you know what you really want, and I knew at that specific level I didn’t want to. I imagine you’re the same way, that doubt it there but you truly don’t want to. It all feels incredibly real and it’s so hard to do anything else in this life since the fear is all consuming and you just feel that at some point you’ll fall victim to the fear that plagues you, but it really doesn’t have to be that case. I’ve spoken to others on this app that have gone through the same thing you and I have and some have gotten to a point in their recovery where it doesn’t even really bother them anymore. The main thing is that no matter what the thoughts are saying and no matter what the fear is screaming at you, you find the strength, courage and hope, even if it’s tiny, to face it and claim your life back. Have you seen a doctor or therapist about it? I would specifically try to see someone in the mental health realm of things because they have a much better understanding of these sort of things. You’d be surprised the amount of people who deal with this very thing and the variety of topics people struggle with everyday with OCD. OCD will make you question yourself, doubt who you really are and what you really want, turn you into a shell of a person you once were. But know that with the right treatment, OCD can be basically curable or if anything very manageable to live a happy life. For me, seeking professional help, starting therapy and treatment, was the best course of action. Even now I’m considering starting medication since it was recommended to me, which is just a part of the healing process. I just want you to know you are definitely not alone in this and that there is hope for getting out of this pit. I support you and I know many of us on here do too.

@Evelyn4416 Again, thank you very much for your support and time. The fact that there is this tiny bit of hope just makes me hang in there even when I feel like I’m not going to make it. Unfortunately, the reassurance most of the times doesn’t last long because of how my mind dives deep into the ocean of thoughts. Regarding therapy, I’m supposed to travel to Canada when the Corona concern gets resolved so that I may begin therapy. I’m currently in Egypt and there aren’t a lot of OCD specialists here. So yeah, I’m supposed to be traveling in around 2 weeks hopefully but even with that hope, I am still frightened that I won’t make it through these 2 weeks. The big problem with me is that I haven’t had a doctor actually diagnose me and tell me that this is OCD. And even with all of the similarities between you and I, there is of course the doubt and comparisons that I make in my head that just make me not so sure what’s going on with me. I do know that since I’m feeling anxious about the idea itself and that I somehow deep down can’t accept my death, then that should give me some hope, but I don’t know how long this hope really lasts. I think the only thing keeping me going is the fact that I’m always expressing my thoughts and feelings to my girlfriend and that I’m praying to God that he saves me from this. I just don’t know how long anything is going to last... I honestly feel like I’m willing to just volunteer myself into a mental health hospital the moment I arrive to Canada and tell them about what I’m experiencing. I feel like being safe is the priority until I can actually figure things out and because if I really am suicidal, then I could possibly be saved. It’s all just a mess really.

Almost two months.

@FaridaAhmed And yet, you have not done anything to yourself, What does this tell you?

@Ferchi I get what you’re saying, but I keep thinking that if things get worse I’ll end up comitting suicide.

@FaridaAhmed I am on the same boat as you. Believe me, I understand What you are going through, you need to sit with the uncomfortable nature of the thought, after some time, like a child that is very insistent but doesn't get What it wants, the thought WILL lose significance and will eventually stop bothering you. My therapist says that people with OCD tend to perceive themselves as vulnerable which is why thoughts like these brother us so much, EE need to build the scheme where we perceive ourselves as Strong, even if we don't believe it at first, try thinking about What makes you strong. For one, I think people struggling with OCD are stronger than any neurotypical out there, because we fight this every Day and yet? We are STILL HERE trying to get better and looking for a better life. You will get over this and you will get better

@Ferchi Yeah, I would love to have hope in the idea that the nature of the thought will at some point take a turn and lose significance, but I tend to struggle with believing in that I have the capability for this. I do really agree with you on the fact that we tend to perceive ourselves as vulnerable individuals. I’ve been trying to work on that strength part for a while but it’s very hard to do so because I have no interest in doing any activities to keep me busy other than staying in bed praying/hoping. Perhaps most of the strength I’ve got is from my faith in God but even all of that strength isn’t enough to keep me pushing through sometimes.

@Ibbies But the strength doesnt necessarily come from your activities, it also comes from your resources, a resource could be that you have a cell Phone in which you are able to seek help with if you need it. You DO have the capability because you have been dealing with this for some time now

@Ferchi Yes, I understand. But from what I understand, a person who’s willing to actually commit to these thoughts wouldn’t contact anyone or try to seek help, and that’s frightening. Also, regarding the capability, I know things change and that they don’t remain the same forever, but I also have this fear that when they change, they would get worse because it’s been a while since I last felt okay.

@Ibbies And yet here you are, looking for help.

@Evelyn4416 And hey, do you mind if I talk to you sometimes and share any of the experiences I’m going through? It gets quite tough sometimes when I don’t feel the presence of others who share the same issue as I do. Perhaps you could share with me contacts or communities where I can find other individuals who are like us, it would be greatly appreciated really.

@Ibbies Yeah of course! Also I’m not too sure of other communities except maybe the OCD subreddit on Reddit, so you can maybe try that

@Evelyn4416 Is there anywhere I can privately message you on? Perhaps reddit? Or would you just prefer that we keep it here?

@Ibbies Reddit should work since there is private messaging, my username on there is SurprisinglyOrganic

Trying to be okay. Thanks for asking.

@Ibbies Me too. I have the same issue as you are, but there are bad days and there are good days. Where are you from? I'm from Alexandria.

@HopefullyOptimistic I’m from Cairo. It’s been a while since I’ve had any good days actually. I used to have good nights mostly but for the past 5 days, it’s been pretty much terrible all day. How long have you been suffering from this? And do you feel your case is as severe?

@Ibbies Almost 3 months. I also get better at night for some reason, but the past two days have been rough. I dont know if I'm a severe case or not, but I think I can contain it just enough.

@HopefullyOptimistic Oh, I guess quarantine makes the situation a bit harder. Do you feel any progress over these past 3 months? Have you tried ERP/Meditation? I haven’t been able to get therapy so I downloaded this app but unfortunately they only do therapy to individuals living in the US.

@Ibbies You know it. Going out always did relieve the stress, and distracted me from it. But now I'm just trapped, and no matter what I do it always comes back. I havent really tried ERP (at least formally) and meditation, and by the way you can visit a therapist. I did a long time before, it was actually helpful. But it will cost you, هنعمل ايه بقا

@HopefullyOptimistic For me, going out wouldn’t always work to be honest. I think most of my bad episodes happened at work when I would be in the middle of work and I would just feel this anxiety attack of pure hopelessness and the urge to just do something. Hey, do you mind giving me your whatsapp or something? I would appreciate talking to you in person since I’ve got some questions.

@Ibbies Sure! But I cant really talk over the phone right now. Its 01124230048.