Who’s relationships are suffering from lockdown? My bf implies it’s only us and makes it feel like it’s my fault a bit

Doesnit not? I’m so used to being ignored by my ex that I feel like the good just comes with bad? Now he’s scrolling through Twitter and every time I look at his phone he’s looking st a different naked girl and obviously not hiding it. Usually when he texts even his sister he turns the screen slightly

Why have o never experienced it then? He’s the nicest by far this is why I’m torn he’s lovely when he’s lovely

@uwotm8 Never experienced what?

@JH “Lovely people” My ex I was with for ten years left with no warning and kicked me out so I was essentially homeless and he cheated. Then I had a brief controlling relationship where I had police involved Then a few dickheads that never lasted Now this seemed *perfect* initially I felt so lucky!! Now he’s calling me names and looking at other girls

@uwotm8 you’ve got to get through the trash to find the gold (cringe I know) but true. This man isn’t good for you, I’ve had many boyfriends like this. They have no respect for you! Don’t settle for less. I’m in a r’ship now where the only bad thing is an argument over laundry. I’ve gone through the bad guys to find the loveliest. And who knows, maybe in a few years it may be a bad relationship. So you have to keep moving forward until the right one comes. Even better, you don’t need to be in a relationship... being single is also fun! Know you’re worth x

@JH I haaaaaate being single I can’t do it. I literally hate it!!!! Makes me fucking miserable ? I know that’s not the right thing to say these days but it’s how I feel I feel like his stress and circumstances are making him this way and if things calm down he will be how I remember in the beginning? It’s only been a year!!!! He keeps reminding me how different it all is for such a new relationship too but I haven’t done anything

Thank you so much kind stranger ?

@uwotm8 No worries

lol the same situation with my bf. and now we're broke up already :(

@devianty He called me a cunt and a pig and waste of space etc etc and now I feel weird about him

@uwotm8 You keep posting about your boyfriend. In every single thing you mention, he sounds like a selfish, abusive, ignorant asshole. Is there a particular reason why you haven't gotten rid of him?

@Louw Because o don’t think it’s the real him. He was never like this before I think it’s temporary and he will be all lovely again

@uwotm8 The real him is whatever he's acting like. A lot of shitty men will do their best to come across as romantic or considerate for a while and then start gaslighting you so you stick around and they don't have to make any effort anymore. Regardless, I still don't see why put up with it. What reason or motivation does he have to change if you're sticking around when he behaves like shit?

@Louw True. I’m going home tomorrow

@Louw He accuses me of gaslighting and manipulating him, he called me a liar the other day too

@uwotm8 Wow, he's gone meta lol. Toss him. I've been there, at some point you just have to put the what ifs and desire to fix the situation to one side, dump him and face the unknown. Staying in the relationship trying to put in his half of the effort and compromise and compromise thinking that it'll help is just going to ruin your self esteem. It doesn't work because he has no interest in doing his own compromising, being considerate etc. Even if you gave up and tried believing his version of reality and doing whatever he likes and says, you'll still get verbal abuse, constant criticism and not be able to do anything well enough for him. Because it's not you, he's just taking his feelings out on you as a convenient punching bag. There's no relationship here.

@Louw He doesn’t do it constantly though and he said yesterday it’s not like he does it all the time and it defines the relationship? Which I think is true? I keep thinking when all the stress dies down and his mother recovers and we can have natural space by going to work and also doing fun things when lockdown is over he will start being nicer again? I’ve never had someone shower me with gifts and trips and holidays before him so I’m thinking I just need to wait

@uwotm8 I think he’s depressed too he lost his father last year when I met him and his ex was interfering too

@uwotm8 @uwotm8 Your choice. But the gifts and trips and holidays thing is a huge red flag for a narcissist. They replace actual trust, connection and vulnerability with gifts, gestures and compliments. Then rely on gaslighting and your memory of the good times to keep you around and desperate for that stuff to come back. They try to make you feel like there's some way you can change in order to stop their criticism. But the love bombing never comes back. Maybe occasionally if you dump them and their ego can't take it so they do it again to try to hook you back in. But not otherwise. Those things may be nice but they're not the foundation of a healthy or meaningful relationship. A good relationship isn't about being a power couple who look down on others and idealise eachother. It's about vulnerability, humility and consideration. Not getting bullied into being the subservient doormat of a person the other one wants you to be.

@Louw But his ex did all those things to him? And he never realised until I told him what it all was? He was like “oh my god all this time there was a name for her behaviour? She was love bombing me, my mother even noticed she was infatuated with me” Surely not? He still talks about her being a narcissist and it’s only since I linked him to articles to describe her behaviour. I know for a fact she was too I witsnessed it myself on occasion either via recording or her showing up and interfering in our relationship

@uwotm8 Ahhh. Yeah victims of prolonged narcissistic abuse can become abusive in the same ways. That's probably what you saw in her. I'm not surprised he managed to frame it as her being crazy. You only know what he's told you other than that. And it's clear with the gifts holidays etc followed by verbal abuse, gaslighting and blame that he is one. I think it's pretty apparent from the situation you're in now. Although of course he'd prefer you stay confused and rationalise it and make excuses for him. He's being abusive. The answer is to leave, not to come up with ideas for him of why he's abusive and try to fix them for him, wait them out etc. If you think he might change when his circumstances change then leave and wait to see if that stuff is resolved in the long term, under his own steam. You're not supposed to stick around to be treated like dirt. Can 100% guarantee that you'd discover uncomfortable truths if you spoke to his ex.

@Louw He keeps pointing out how different we are together compared to when we met Last year himself. I didn’t change though? Apart from getting more anxious cuz he kept saying he should Leave me for my own good xuz his ex was being a fucking bitch

@Louw No no I have seen videos and recordings of her being violent. She showed up at the house too when I answered the door to her and she scurried off. She’s fucking crazy.

@uwotm8 Lol when someone tells you they're bad news and should leave you for your own good, they're saying it in order to make themselves feel a bit better that "they warned you". It wasn't because his ex was making him feel bad about himself, it was because you were seeing for yourself what his ex was saying about him and he needed to distract you from what she was saying by making himself look like a victim. I've seen it so many times. When crappy people tell you they're crappy, believe them.

@Louw She’s literally glassed him before, knocked him out, tried him run him over, thrown pans of hot water at him etc etc and he’s got scars to prove it. She really is a psychotic woman

@uwotm8 And yet, he's the one who is being disgustingly verbally abusive. Why does it have to be either she's the bad guy or he's the bad guy? Her being nuts isn't evidence that he isn't.

@Louw No no he said it was a head fuck for me to be seeing his ex interfering with us. That’s why he said I should leave

@uwotm8 Scars prove it?

@Louw Yeah I saw videos and photos too

@uwotm8 Maybe I shouldn't have tried to help. You know that he's abusive. It's your choice if you want to keep making excuses for it and believing every single thing he tells you, all I can tell you is that it's a vanishingly rare occurrence that people who are that abusive just change out of the blue. You don't treat people you love that way. And the love bombing is another red flag. Turning themselves into victims in your mind is their forte.

@uwotm8 And blaming everything on their ex, oof, that's a classic.

@Louw No no I appreciate your help!! I’m just saying I know his ex legitimately is abusive. And she currently still see a married man she cheated on him with in the first place ? I know I’m going back to my place tomorrow Thankyou

I really don't know about whether he has a personality disorder or is Machiavellian but nonetheless what he's doing is abuse. That sounds like he has a fear (that you're in it for money and wouldn't love him otherwise) and he's taking everything as evidence for his fear, including the fact that you were quickly able to say you're not in it for the money because you know full well you're not. It's not ok for him to be abusive even if it's anxiety and fear triggering it. Clearly you have become the scapegoat. He has a choice about how to behave when he is feeling anxious and being mentally abusive, critical, calling you names and making accusations isn't ok. It's within his power to stop doing them and it may be time to give him an ultimatum about them. It's not your job, or healthy for your relationship, to just keep taking the abuse without setting boundaries on it and following through with consequences when he refuses to respect your right not to be insulted, accused, mischaracterised and called names.

@Louw I tried to set boundaries by saying I won’t tolerate ANY name calling in future and I’ll take this as a one off as I think he’s depressed. HOWEVER, he said “I certainly don’t intend on doing it again, I didn’t want to this time and I’m ashamed. I can’t realistically promise it won’t incase it does and then I’m fucked!! If I say babe it won’t ever happen again, that’s disingenuous. So I think it’s way more honest to say I can’t promise. So you see what I’m saying?” And I said well no not really lol it sounds as if I should prepare for it again. And I just said I wont. He’s being moody with me today too. He went out for a walk and I popped into the garden to sit outside. Propped the door open with my shoe and he never locks the door at night. I didn’t hear him come back. I went to go inside as I was cold. And the door was locked. I called him and o called his sister who also called him and he didn’t answer. I hammered the window and no reply. Eventually he started to text so I phoned him immediately and he said “I’m in the house I’ll let you in now. Sorry I fell asleep.” He left me a few more mins and when he answered he sounded slurry and drunk but I have no proof. I said omg I was so worried something happened or how long I’d be there for? You never lock the door I didn’t hear you come back? Or shut the door? Did you not see me outside? Then he went “OHHHH. Are you asking if I locked you out on purpose?” Then he brought up the time he forgot his keys when I was still asleep one morning and he was outside for an hour. Started accusing me of only being hostile since his money took a dip from covid19 and when I said “I’m going upstairs that’s insulting” he said “Don’t let the door slam behind you then”

@uwotm8 It’s day time now btw sorry I worded that poorly. I just mean he doesn’t lock it at night, so why lock it now?