I’m in a call with a friend right now and I just feel so unsafe. Like something bad will happen to me because it always does. And I want to cry and breakdown but I can’t because my friend is on the phone with me. I’m just terrified and I feel so alone with this. I feel like I’m lying. I feel like an imposter. I’m scared that I’m not innocent and I’m paranoid as all hell and it won’t go away. I try to distract myself, tell myself it’s just thoughts, but then I get things recommended to me on YouTube about certain subjects and I just get triggered again. I feel I can’t talk to anyone about this either because my friends don’t understand. I feel like a burden. And I’m scared. My appointment isn’t until the 23rd and even then I don’t know if this therapist will know about ocd at all. I’m so scared I just miss how things used to be. I’m freaking out and it won’t stop. I’m scared I’m gonna get in trouble somehow someway. I’m scared of hurting people. I’m scared of being a bad person. I’m scared of my career being ruined. I’m scared of my life not having any meaning other than harming others. because between OCD and BPD that’s all it feels like. It feels like that’s my only purpose in life is to be bad. I’ve slowly begun learning that everyone makes mistakes and that a lot of us are so just grey. But because of everything in my life Especially with trauma and my crippling loneliness physically? And how people slowly leave me either through sickness and death or just can’t deal with my mentally ill brain anymore they all just leave. I don’t want to be a bad person, I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to go back in time to my childhood when things were ok again. I used to never have these horrible thoughts. Never. Then one day I did and it hasn’t ended since. I mean I’ve always had ocd. I used to get terrifying visual and textual thoughts In my head of harming people physically (I still can’t touch knives. It’s incredibly hard to be near them) but once something happened in my teen years and ever since then the pocd thoughts started and never went away. I’m constantly plagued by every single subtype of ocd and it drives me insane. One minute I’ll cry about pocd next I’ll cry about health ocd next it’ll be harm ocd. Last year the entire year I thought I was dying from cancer bc I kept having weird symptoms and my grandmother died from cancer and I literally cared for her up until her death bed and it was traumatizing. I am TRAUMATIZED from the 6 years of having to had take care of another human being with dementia. And now my mom has Alzheimer’s and it’s just happening all over again. I’ve also been scared because my memory is so bad and I mean BAD that I’m scared I’m gonna get dementia or Alzheimer’s like my grandma and mom. I’m scared I’m gonna get cancer like my grandma (and it’s possible in my future because I already have issues with my uterus with months long periods sometimes and my gyn said I might have the gene for ovarian cancer which is what my grandma died from) and I just?? I can’t do it. My future is planned out for me no matter how I look at it. Something bad will happen to me no matter what. I always just wanted to be a famous artist but even then I don’t think I can do that because I’m terrified I’m living a lie and deep down people will find deep dark secrets about me and say I’m this horrible person. Ok rant over.

POCD

Stressed

Date posted: 5y

I know it's hard,please know it is just anxiety,all these are scenarios and they never come true.Ocd is a liar, don't believe it.Try to relax.

Mars

Date posted: 5y

I’m trying to. I really am. It’s so hard and I just wish I could feel ok. I hate my brain it just won’t shut up.

Stressed

Date posted: 5y

@Mars Don't fight it, don't fight the thoughts,let them come like cars passing by, you know the truth, don't believe the lies.

Mars

Date posted: 5y

@Stressed It’s something I’ve been struggling with all week to just ignore the thoughts like cars. I try to regress (it’s one of my coping mechanisms) and watch cartoons and play games but it’s so hard bc I feel like I don’t even deserve those things or any happiness or like any bits and pieces of my childhood I can get back and I hate it.

Stressed

Date posted: 5y

@Mars ERP says that we should write our worst scenarios down.Do that,and then read them many times a day until you get bored.I only wrote a ridiculous scenario my ocd tortured me with once and I got over it seeing how ridiculous it is.

Mars

Date posted: 5y

@Stressed What if some of those scenarios feel more possible then not? What if they really could happen? Or even what if they deal with trauma? I guess that’s where a therapist would come in but I don’t start till next week and she isn’t even specialized in ocd...

Stressed

Date posted: 5y

@Mars Trust me,any scenario is better than ocd.Any bad situation can be coped with and you can deal with whatever life gives you.Anxiety is the worst of all.

Mars

Date posted: 5y

@Stressed I guess that is true. I have to start getting the courage to write my Fears.

Stressed

Date posted: 5y

@Mars Start writing right now, start with a smaller fear.Write all the gruesome details,and how you feel about it.Write is like a story in present tense.For example,I am walking and suddenly I trip and fall.I break my leg and the paramedics arrive,I have fractured everything and the doctor says I have two hours to live.Write the absolute worst you can think about.And then your thoughts on that.

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