Content warning especially for people of color - discussing intrusive thoughts and OCD features with racism-related content. —— I have both Tourette’s and OCD. My Tourette’s tics regularly include slurs - usually against minority groups I’m a part of (against trans people, dykes, women), but often with a side of slurs against groups I’m not a part of, which I repress as I don’t want them to come out and hurt those around me. Unfortunately, repressed tics tend to get stuck in my head as anxious energy and intrusive thoughts. Lately I’ve had a particularly nasty racial slur tic which I’m naturally unwilling to let out get stuck in my head and turn into an intrusive thought that’s pounding away at me all day. It comes with feelings of intense shame, of course, and also with thoughts like “I’m a monster,” “I’m a racist” - harm OCD, in other words. Fear of harming non-white people around me. I really want this word and its attendant harm OCD to leave me alone. Fortunately the harm fears haven’t taken very deep mental hold yet, but I’m concerned they could if this tic urge doesn’t go away. Obsessing over it will prevent it from going away - my Tourettes latches on to the random noise in my brain and makes some of it into tics. I’m constantly reminding myself that Tourettes tics are involuntary, that they aren’t expressions of what I really believe, that they’re not my fault and I shouldn’t be embarrassed of them. This one, however, is one of the most racially hurtful words in the English language, and because I can’t let it out - because I don’t want to hurt people with it - it’s turned into intrusive thoughts and harm OCD. I’m not sure how to release it from my mind. I’ve tried saying the hurtful word into a pillow in a room by myself where no one can hear it, so that I can release the tic and help it go away, but I’m so ashamed of saying the word even where no one can hear it - it makes me feel like I’m really going to hurt people. The one time I got up the nerve to try it, it felt so wrong, and doing it only once isn’t enough to release a tic that’s this intensely built up. This is a really dicey situation, and because a lot of my friends aren’t white, I don’t want to put them in the position of having to support me through it. I would really appreciate advice from people experienced with harm OCD and really shame-inducing OCD of any kind - POCD, et cetera. Thank you all for your understanding. It’s taken me some nerve to be able to write this post.

Harm OCD

pureolife

Date posted: 5y

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this right now! It’s very clear that this tic does not in any way represent your values. And that’s the case with most ocd obsessions and themes: they make us fear we’ll go against what we think is right and good. I think you need to try doing this alone again. You can blast music if you’d like to drown it out. But I think the biggest issue here is your fear of saying it, which is exactly what’s driving your OCD that you might say it. I know it’s a disgusting word and feels weird and wrong to say, even alone, but that’s what we have to do with ERP. We have to face our fears despite how they make us feel and then refrain from using compulsions to make us feel better. You have to practice this again and again alone until you habituate to it. This will take time and feel weird and uncomfortable for awhile. But eventually it will just become a word again — one you can choose to say or not say. Good luck!

Vieira da $$...

Date posted: 5y

Thank you for your support. I think you’re right - I need to get over the shame, get the tic out in private, and own that Tourette tics & OCD don’t define my attitude towards racially oppressed people - I do, through my actions. It doesn’t help anyone for me to nurture harm fears towards people around me, and I’m not a white supremacist any more than someone with POCD is an abuser of children.

optimalotter

Date posted: 5y

Hey man, I'm going through the same stuff, even with the same words. We'll get through this.

Vieira da $$...

Date posted: 5y

Thank you. Yeah, we will. It’s horrible that you’re going through this also, but I’m glad I’m not alone.

Vieira da $$...

Date posted: 5y

One of those especially strange intrusive thoughts/OCD things - a lot of my OCD thoughts are “I am a [racial slur].” Which is so strange - I’m not even part of the group that the slur is meant to harm. Makes me really feel a lot for people who have OCD that tells them they’re part of groups I’m part of - gay or transgender et cetera.

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