I just feel so hopeless today and these last few days. Slightly suicidal too. I just feel like it’ll never change. I can’t let go of my fear of being a narcissist because that’s all I have. If I fear it, it can’t be true. But as a consequence, I’m so fucking unhappy. I hate so many traits and thoughts I have. But I have to hate them, otherwise I’m MORE bad. I just feel so alone and lost. With most ocd fears, I know they’re untrue. But when I genuinely do have some bad traits that seem like such proof I am a narcissist, even though I’m not, what do I do? I don’t want bad traits. I just want to be good and friendly and kind and happy. That’s all I want. I want to give love and receive it. But I just feel like that’ll never happen. I’m so lost.

Just got off the phone with my after hours therapy center. I’m trying not to ruminate or seek reassurance, but even after I spoke with the therapist I can’t help but worry that I’m not just or moral enough. I asked if I should turn myself in, and they said no. I wish I could enjoy the holidays but I’m by myself right now and I’m going through a familiar thought process of the world would be a better place if I had been a different person. I’ve been feeling depressed and thinking about different ways in which I’m inadequate and incompetent. I can’t seem to figure out how I’m actually worthwhile. I don’t know if I’ll ever get out of this, my mental illnesses and my current failures at my work and internship. I’m sorry this all sounds dark and I don’t feel like being drastic. Rather I just feel extremely stuck. Kind of like, oh shoot I’m not someone anyone likes and I’m unfortunately a waste of oxygen.

I don’t even know what to think or do anymore. I just think my fears are true and I’m in denial about it. I’ve been struggling with school and motivation for awhile now. My parents and family are amazing and have been paying for my education and I keep messing up. I am super lazy and I miss lectures, and I keep always telling myself I’m going to do better and end up barely passing at the end of the semester. I know we aren’t our thoughts but we are our actions and I feel like I choose to live content with being a burden and selfish. The fact that I choose to listen to the thoughts in my head and do compulsions shows that I really don’t care about being better because if I did I would just do it. I always keep thinking at this point that the morals that I had before OCD 3 years ago are gone. I keep questioning if I am not acting on the thoughts because that is my values and who I am or if I am just not acting on them because of luck. I don’t know if I am not acting on them because of how I feel rather than how acting on them would harm others. I am just so weak, and I don’t know if I deserve to live the rest of my life. And I feel so fucking guilty for saying this but there are times where I think about all of this and it doesn’t motivate me to change at all and I just can’t stand myself for that. I just feel like a sociopath who is constantly whining and complaining and screwing up. I used to feel like I did compulsions because I cared about protecting people and now I just think my compulsions are centered around my own selfishness and anxiety. It’s like there are times where I’m not trying to prevent myself from doing something wrong or trying to make sure that I don’t have bad intentions which is so messed up with the thoughts that I have.

OCD making me feel like a terrible human being. Focusing entirely on my flaws I forget the good things about myself. Sometimes I question if I ever had any. My OCD does center around themes that question my morality. Lately I’ve scared myself into believing I’m a covert narcissist. That comes heavily from my ROCD and CPTSD symptoms lately. I look at my partner who is such an accomplished, educated man…and then I look at myself as a woman who has let the years pass by out of fear. It makes it worse he wants to help me. Get me back into school. Help with my finances. I feel like such a parasite at times. He deserves better. Idk I just needed to type this out and get it off my chest.