I just feel so hopeless today and these last few days. Slightly suicidal too. I just feel like it’ll never change. I can’t let go of my fear of being a narcissist because that’s all I have. If I fear it, it can’t be true. But as a consequence, I’m so fucking unhappy. I hate so many traits and thoughts I have. But I have to hate them, otherwise I’m MORE bad. I just feel so alone and lost. With most ocd fears, I know they’re untrue. But when I genuinely do have some bad traits that seem like such proof I am a narcissist, even though I’m not, what do I do? I don’t want bad traits. I just want to be good and friendly and kind and happy. That’s all I want. I want to give love and receive it. But I just feel like that’ll never happen. I’m so lost.

I’m struggling so much, I don’t know what’s changed. I was doing so well for a solid two months and now it’s been over a month of just my lowest point. My bf has gotten upset at how much I do compulsions and it’s taxing him too. I can’t imagine how hard it is to be my partner right now. I feel exhausted I’m tired of my OCD finding new things to obsess or worry over. I’m so TIRED of getting stuck on technicalities. I’m so exhausted with the constant intrusive thoughts and intrusive thinking. I’m so sick of how compulsive I get when I’m so riddled with anxiety. I don’t want to keep pushing. It feels pointless if my life is going to be a constant loop of ups and extreme lows. I feel like such a disgusting, embarrassing person. I don’t want love because I don’t feel like I deserve it. I don’t want patience or understanding because it makes me feel so guilty. Like no one is understanding how bad of person I could truly be. I’m so lost and tired of this

I feel different from others, I don’t feel as feminine and I feel like I’ve changed. I’m not sure why I feel this way. I also don’t think my ocd is ocd, it’s just something I told myself to feel better. I know! What if I am what if I’m not, I get it, but I don’t feel like i have a choice in the matter anymore. I have soocd and it’s eaten me alive for years. I woke up out of my sleep and got triggered and here I am. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I always wanted a boyfriend and now It seemed to change. I don’t want a girlfriend, it’s just that I don’t see anything for myself and I feel like I’m hiding. It’s hard to explain. Plus sometimes the way I move or speak makes me feel more masculine and it kills me. Im feeling so lost and alone right now. I know what I want deep down but I feel incapable of having those things because I won’t be able to have feeling. If that makes sense.

Recently I’ve been getting these very intense episodes of feeling extremely annoyed, irritable and touchy. I start to think narcissistic thoughts like feeling extremely entitled, envious of others and just overall snotty and rude but also horrible about myself. I take everything personal in these moments even though I know it’s stupid to do so. with harm ocd it also makes it 10x worse because they urges are worsened by the anger and intense emotions and sometimes I feel like just crying or this deep pit in my stomach of fear and dispare about the future like where am I heading and who am I becoming? I’ve excessively been on Gemini asking about covert narcissism, because my family disagrees with the idea of me being a narcissist along with my therapist but I just can’t let it go because I actually genuinely believe it. When I want to make things right it feels so self centered and I don’t know the right way to genuinely care about others. Maybe I already do?? I can’t tell if this is all just anger, intense fear and overwhelm, from med changes (went from lexapro to buspar) or processing grief (grandpa died in February) but sometimes I feel even worse because in my head I believe the grief only effects me and I need total attention and care 24/7. and start wondering if this is a subconscious way of thinking for me that I just assume is ocd and anxiety. I feel so tense and when I get in these moments I feel like I’m about to combust, I dissociate, feel like sobbing, isolating, or yelling but can’t tell if it’s all caused from an “ego blow” or something that someone did that made me feel bad about myself and that’s why I feel such high self pity. idk anymore but this feeling is terrifying especially the more I believe I’m a narcissist everything is evidence. I even start wondering what if this is rage, or hatred or resentment? like deep down dark feelings?