Someone please help!! My HOCD is taking over my life. It feels like it is engulfing me and preventing me from taking a breath. It came on about 6 months ago when i had a thought ‘what if I’m gay?’. And since then it has been racing around my head everyday. I think back to things in my childhood which seem to ‘confirm’ that I am not straight but whenever I imagine doing something with another girl, it repulses me. I used to watch videos of girls twerking when I was younger, i don’t even know why. I got turned on by it but I don’t want to be intimate with a girl. I’ve always had so many crushes on guys. Before my HOCD, I also often felt uncomfortable in changing rooms and i don’t know why. Is this normal? I just want my life to go back to normal:( It feels like I will never be happy again and I am so exhausted from putting on a brave face and acting as if i’m okay to my family and friends even though I am breaking inside.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Soph

Date posted: 5y

First step is learning about the nature of OCD / pure O (I can recommend OCD Baltimore online) and then recognising the compulsions you are doing day to day and slowly getting yourself out of them. Your post seems to indicate you’ve been ruminating/checking your past and these are compulsions! Aka the bane of an OCD sufferers life and something they have to work to stop doing - have you been to a doctor/ therapist or got in any contact with a professional?

amyyyy

Date posted: 5y

Thank you for the reply, it means so much:) I will check out OCD Baltimore Online. No I haven’t got in contact with a therapist, I haven’t even told my parents about it yet as I don’t want them to worry. I don’t jnow how to tell them

Soph

Date posted: 5y

@amyyyy It is tricky and takes a big step for anyone especially as parents are likely to say some triggering things (especially for HOCD where they might think you’re just confused), but it can help to think up what you’re gonna say and direct them to some online resources or books you’ve read so they can read it from a more medical point of view

amyyyy

Date posted: 5y

I don’t know how to stop rummaging through my past memories in my head as they just feel like they’re evidence for me being a lesbian. And i watched these videos on youtube about ‘childhood signs i was gay’ and some of them i did in my childhood too which makes me feel really anxious.

Soph

Date posted: 5y

@amyyyy I did all that stuff at the beginning of my HOCD as well; you have to take it step by step; 1. Understand and come to grips with your OCD 2. Start taking steps towards self-help like not doing compulsions, rumination, or reassurance seeking 3. Talk to others, look at getting help (Pure O Chrissie Hodges im YouTube is good she talks about HOCD)

Dan04

Date posted: 5y

@amyyyy In my personal opinion telling my family is the best thing I have done in regards to my recovery. It’s so crucial to get it out there and let them know how you are feeling. I know how it feels in regards to putting on a brave face, however you can only keep it hidden for so long. Best thing is to tell them. They will support you.

amyyyy

Date posted: 5y

@Dan04 I just don’t want to worry them and I barely know how to explain how I feel. I don’t think they’d understand especially because I don’t understand it myself :(

amyyyy

Date posted: 5y

@Soph Thank you. How did you reach out to people about it?

Soph

Date posted: 5y

@amyyyy Took me a while but I sat my parents down on a bad day cause honestly I just really needed their support; parents are there to support you. Feels a lot better when I’m in a dark moment I can just go to them and let them know. I’m also still in the process of getting therapy but I went to a GP and opened up and was diagnosed and it is really liberating in many ways, feels like you’re finally on the road to recovery even if there’s a long way to go :)

amyyyy

Date posted: 5y

@Soph I’m just so scared. I cry everyday as I feel so alone yet so scared to open up about things. I’m starting to think that it’s not really ocd and that I’m actually a lesbian. I’m so scared i won’t be happy again

Dan04

Date posted: 5y

@amyyyy It will just come out, just take the step to tell them. Everything else will fall in place. It’s so vital.

amyyyy

Date posted: 5y

@Dan04 Thank you for commenting, it means so much to know there are people who can support me. I will try my best to pluck up the courage to tell them:)

199903

Date posted: 5y

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve had very similar thoughts with POCD, questioning my past and everything. You’re still early in the process, but I can see a lot of compulsions in your post. It will hurt like hell, but if you’re able to cut out those compulsions and sit with the uncertainty over time it does get much easier. ERP is the way to do this. I would definitely recommend talking to your GP about this if you don’t have contact with a therapist, GPs have the resources to assist with mental health. There is treatment out there, and you deserve to have it. Talking to your family about this can be a tough one. Many people don’t understand OCD well, and it could complicate things. I think the best way to go about it is something along the lines of “I get thoughts that go against my values and really scare me, and they get stuck in my head”. You don’t need to be specific about the content, especially because at the end of the day it doesn’t matter, it’s all just OCD. But if you are able to open up and use them as support, that would be amazing. Jon Hershfield also has an amazing book called ‘when a family member has OCD’. If you’re able to, maybe you could grab your family a copy of that. Good luck and I’m sending so much love to you ?

amyyyy

Date posted: 5y

Thank you so much for your support, it means the world to me. My life feels like it’s falling apart and I just want to get better and am going to start taking baby steps.. first by telling my parents.

199903

Date posted: 5y

@amyyyy You’re welcome, I’m so happy I can provide some support for you. OCD threw my life into a spin as well and it’s taken me some time to find help and get back on track. My partner and family have been a big part of that, loving me when I felt unlovable for my intrusive thoughts. I’m thinking of you and I hope telling your family goes well! Good luck and remember no matter how it goes, you are valid and loved ❤️

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond