Hello this is my first post but after a rough couple days I wanted to come on here. It’s been pretty difficult for me, I’ve had HOCD for 4 years and didn’t know what it was until recently. Finding out made things better and worse. Now all I can think is what if this is all denial and you really are attracted to women(I’m a woman by the way). Since finding out I’ve had less anxiety about it but that also makes me worry that I’ve accepted my thoughts as truth. Also for the first time ever I’ve had a sexual dream about a female. Well kinda. she had the body of a man but the face of a woman. I woke up very confused and distressed. The night before that I had a dream about a man and woman that also woke me up and gave me anxiety. Now I can’t stop thinking “I got more anxiety from the man and woman dream what if this means something” I’m just very confused and while I have less anxiety about it the thoughts won’t go away and I don’t feel relaxed.

No I just found out about what I have. I have my first appointment on Tuesday. I’m just terrified about everything and I don’t feel like myself anymore

@Maryk0919 The good news is you found out what you have and that you can get better! So many people on this app are so far along in their journey that OCD and intrusive thoughts don’t even bother them anymore. I think I’m about halfway there, I just started ERP about 2 months ago, but already feel like I have my life back and have so many tools to use now that I didn’t before. I’d recommend make sure you’re working with someone who either specialized or knows what OCD so that you get the proper treatment. Treatment is tough as it requires you to lean into your worst fears, embrace being uncertain, purposely think of the thoughts that have been bothering you, and not reacting at all! It sounds like you have some compulsions about analyzing situations and ruminating about them. When you work with a therapist they’re going to help you stop them. In the meantime, try to tell your brain “maybe, maybe not, but I don’t care about this issue anymore OCD” to each of the intrusive thoughts until therapy starts. You have been sending signals to your brain for 4 years that ‘figuring out’ this topic is extremely important when in reality the only way to kill OCD and see clarity on the issue is by deeming it irrelevant and not listening to the commands OCD is trying to tell us, and letting ourselves accept uncertainty. I’d recommend the OCD stories podcast, Johnathon Graysons book about Overcoming OCD, and Ali Greymonds YouTube site. :)

@nikol Thank you so much, I have a long way to go but I know I’ll get there. Also I don’t know if this is reassurance but what can you tell me about the dreams. The heterosexual one gave me anxiety but I actually liked it when I was awake and felt no fear about it. The one I had last night felt wrong and I didn’t like it when I woke up but it also didn’t give me much anxiety it just made me digressed and confused and I immediately search google for HOCD Dreams

@Maryk0919 *distressed

@Maryk0919 Treat the dreams just like your intrusive thoughts and sensations. You don’t need to find any meaning in them apart from the fact that it was just a weird dream and accept it then move on like you’ve done for all the other dreams you’ve had in your life that aren’t related to your OCD. I’ve had a bunch of weird HOCD related dreams over the years and I’m kinda numb to it now lol so I understand your distress.

@Maryk0919 Analyzing dreams/thoughts/feelings to try and find meaning is a compulsion that unfortunately I can’t tell you it means or doesn’t mean something because that’s uncertain and there’s no way to ever tell! You can say to yourself “maybe it meant something maybe it didn’t, I’m not going to care anymore OCD so go ahead and try and bother me, I’m going to go about my day and (insert activity you’re doing here)”