I feel so isolated This is a really long post but I just need to get it off my chest : Idk how long I’ve really had OCD but I know that it’s probably partially trauma based. This makes things really complicated and Idk how to cope. My current issue: I’ve dealt with compulsive masturbation for as long as I can remember, I would do it until I hurt myself or in the middle of class when I was a kid and all that stuff. I also picked up a pornography addiction at around 9 and began looking at pornography for hours a day . Over time this developed into a really complicated ritual that is so strong that I can’t seem to get rid of it. Now, my ritual takes anywhere from 1-3 hours to complete and includes cutting on my genitals and inserting sharp objects into myself. I eventually worked up the courage to tell my therapist and I ended up seeing a gyno who told me that I was in serious danger of giving myself a fistula between my bladder and my vagina Bc there was a huge gash. Obviously this scared the shit out of me but it didn’t stop me from continuing. Over the last couple of months even though I’ve been addressing it with my therapist and I’m even planning on speaking to a specialist for trauma this Wednesday the compulsion is getting worse. I count the cuts every time I do it and have specific rules and I’ve reached the point where I will make HUNDREDS of cuts each time on my genital region. The amount of self hatred I feel is so fucking overwhelming I feel so disgusting. I feel like I can’t stop myself and I just feel completely evil. Like there must be something deeply wrong with me for me to do this. And for so long. I feel like I must’ve been such a fucking predator for being obsessed with masturbation in fucking first grade. I keep throwing away my tools and trying to avoid this compulsion but I keep failing. Today I sorta did my ritual but then I just punched myself repeatedly instead of cutting. Crisis hotline don’t seem to help me and idk how I’m going to make it through this quarantine. Does anyone have anything even remotely similar to what I’m describing? I feel like a complete freak.

Okay, honestly first of all, take a deep breath because it's okay. You're not a freak. You're not isolated and you're certainly not alone. Well done for being able to talk to your therapist about this, that takes courage to share something so person with a professional. You've mentioned trauma, and you've mentioned cutting. So I assume very much so that there is a level of self harm going on here. Now, ask yourself this, would you judge someone who made cuts on their wrists? I very much doubt you would. The brain can be extremely self destructive, making you believe you're the only person in the world who has those experiences, you'll be surprised when you share your story how much others can relate. So you asked if anyone could relate, I too have some trauma (not very bad, but certainty some level of sexual trauma) from my childhood that was probably what actually kickstarted my OCD. And I remember being hyper sexual thought my teens, mastrubating till I cut myself/bled. In my teenage years I too experimented with different objects, I remember I once used some menthol balm etc. If you asked me why, I probably couldn't tell you but I never thought much of it at the time, I guess I was just experimented. Do I feel the same way about those memories as you? Nope. I dont. That's your OCD, and possibly black and white thinking talking. Your brain is trying to make you believe that you're a bad person for this, which is simply not the case. You, like everybody else is living in the grey area of life and your actions dont make you an evil person, morality truly is subjective. I've had addiction to porn/mastrubation and it brought me a lot of shame when my OCD theme attached itself to that, but I find it helpful to think, would a person without ocd feel the way I'm feeling? Probably not. It's so much easier to rationalise other peoples thoughts, I can clearly see why everything you've described here doesn't make you evil, but I know your brain will not logically accept that. Try to adopt the accepting the uncertainty method, "if this makes me evil then okay, and if it doesn't then okay as well, either way I'm still living my life". The brain is a self destructive thing, well done for reaching out for trauma therapy, I'm sure it will help you loads. You're on the right path to healing and you will, you do not deserve to hate yourself ❤

Wow thank you so much for such a kind message ❤️❤️❤️ I know that there must be so many others like us who deal with these sorts of issues but I think that so many people are ashamed of it that it’s really difficult to find resources. The uncertainty method seems really challenging but it’s probably the only way to really make this ocd theme lose its power. I think it’ll probably just take a while to get to that point. I think that this particular issue with my exists at a point where so many difficult and painful topics intersect that it truly feels like an impenetrable obstacle. But it isn’t, and there are people who want to help me through it. Your message made me feel a lot less alone, thank you again for your compassion :)