This started when I was 18 when a lady I was seeing made a comment to me about that I reminded her of her ex who she believed was bisexual but all she meant was my humour and personality but then I went did she mean I was gay and that when I started going does she think and I am gay and then started going crazy texting her everyday, calling her asking what she meant by that comment and then I just spiralled out of control. We were very highly sexual together but I was constantly asking her if I was gay, I just spent hours and hours online speaking with forums. I became that bad I would pray and pray not to wake up because I couldn’t take the pain of waking up everyday thinking all these things. I then became a recluse for 2 years and was googling, looking at finger length ratios, how do people know they are Gay, started kissing walls, bending over, role playing in my head sexual acts. Photocopying my hands and measuring my finger length, looking at suppression, internalised homophobia, I saw articles saying HoCD is just denial. I was a complete nightmare I made up lies saying I have kissed a man and my OCD was just denial. I started blaming everyone around me for what was going on saying that this his just denial and I have been lied to about having OCD I then started looking at mens genitals 3 times, felt I needed to look 3 times. I had her use a dildo on me but then didn’t like it so then said she must of done it wrong so tried it again. I use to avoid friends as aniexty was high so just use to work all the time. I went to Portugal when I was 18 and had huge panic attack and started to put my fingers up my bum to test. (Sorry for graphic details) I became better after went to CBT but would always see men and get nervous round them. Got with my current girlfriend when I was 22 told her all about this as she could see I was struggling and she was upset didn’t know what to do. We had a very healthy sexual relationship and would do all sorts with her and then 12 months ago we moved in and hit the worse part of my life I was saying I know I am gay, I couldn’t get out of bed, I went 4 days without any sleep, work signed me off and all I did was tell her what thoughts I was getting, saying I think I know I am gay and don’t want to be gay. I was telling her what I was thinking of in graphic detail,telling her that I have lied to her I have been led on a path. I grew up chasing girls, going to parties wanting to do stuff with girls. I was always conscious of me penis size so would catch myself look at other mens genitals to compare. I remember a friend of mine having a really big penis and would no constantly looking at his crotch was there signs then when I was like 14/15. I have literally spent hours looking at gay porn watching kissing, trying to taste a kiss, I am round my friend sometimes and when they are close up I have this urge to go in for a kiss. Over Christmas I was with my family and was thinking of kissing my dad, brother and uncle. Last week I moved back home and my aniexty was through the roof, sweating, clams palms, couldn’t let sleep but feel last week I went sod it I am gay and then suddenly I have felt relaxed ever since. Is this me accepting I am Gay I feel I have always been scared to go out and try it in case I like it, isn’t that denial. Thanks for listening

Sexual Orientation OCD

Kea

Date posted: 5y

The fact that you’re constantly on here seeking reassurance that you’re not gay means that you’re not gay. You’re in such a panic about being one because it feels unnatural, but you’re convincing yourself that you are! It’s a really bad case of hocd and I suggest you stop acting upon your thoughts, meaning stop watching gay porn and stop acting out what it would be like. You’re testing yourself so much that your body is becoming comfortable with what you’re convincing it it likes. You don’t have to accept anything you don’t want. Clearly this whole time with your panic you were still able to manage to be yourself and get a girlfriend and have a healthy sex life. Your true self is still there however you’re panicking based off of one thing someone said. I would get scared too, I have hocd too and I do relate to a lot of the things you just explained (avoiding certain ppl because of urges (this happens with my rocd too), telling myself I’m lesbian/bi even when I don’t wanna be, trying to imagine what going down on a woman is like and acting it out with my tongue to see if I would be good at it & I completely regret that lol, having thoughts about my mom & my brothers gf which made me sick to my stomach) and so on... you’re not alone. I know how hard it is but don’t force yourself to accept something you’re uncomfortable with!

Kea

Date posted: 5y

And I don’t mean accepting as in “maybe I am maybe I’m not” because you SHOULD think like that, it’s gonna be easier to brush it off... however I mean don’t accept the thought telling you that you’re 100% gay

jett

Date posted: 5y

Jeez this sounds rough man. how many people grow up chasing girls, being attracted to girls, and end up becoming gay at 18? None. How many straight people who have ocd and think they’re gay and engage in the behavior pattern you described? A lot. I’m only telling this to you cause it sounds like you really convinced yourself ur gay...which ur not.

Blade118

Date posted: 5y

Does my behaviour patterns sound the same to other people’s. Can anyone else relate

sam_ob

Date posted: 5y

Yeah I relate to you. Although I didn’t take it as far as you did I had thoughts of trying things to test myself but I just knew it wasn’t for me and I wouldn’t even get the answer I’m looking for. You just gotta learn to let go and stop fighting I know it’s hard I’m learning myself but it’s only gonna make things worse the more you struggle and test yourself. In my opinion if you’ve developed OCD and this much panic and anxiety over whatever theme the odds are in your favour that you’re not your worst fear. So keep that in mind during your journey and I pray you recover soon ??

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