I really just don’t know who I’m supposed to be. I think I’ve always suffered with identity. I’ve never really been myself, so I’ve always clung onto things that made me feel special or unique, and then I’d project that outwards. Like intelligence for example. I’m not a genius or anything, but I’d say I’m fairly smart. From very young I’ve been one of those gifted kids (sorry, I feel really narcissist saying that I hope it doesn’t seem as though I am). Then recently I found love for English Literature or essay subjects as a whole, because they were (and are) interesting and so I’m good at them. And I think that’s also partly due to my OCD, because I started seeing things in a more conceptual way, and started analysing thoughts more, and therefore EVERYTHING more. I got ‘deeper’ if you will. So as a result, I’ve sort of been labelled as ‘deep’ by my peers and friends etc. And I’m okay with that, because it feels special and new! And it’s true. But now I just feel like that’s something I have to live up to. And it’s hard because, I am complex and I know that because I know my brain. But the person I am on the outside, that person who interacts with other people, is not ME. They’re two different people. I feel like I’m trying so hard to live up to this image of myself, when really I’m not all that. I know I’m deep because I spend every hour of every day ripping apart my thoughts, but I’m scared people will just think I’m a fake. And it’s frustrating because I’m not a fake... but it’s so easy to just think a girl is trying to be quirky and all by finding new words and feeling smart and talking about mysterious things. I don’t know how to explain it. I can’t really find the right words, which further worries me because it proves I am a fake and I’m dumb or whatever. Truly smart people don’t have to prove themselves. I just fear judgement. I want to be me and I want to be special but it’s so draining being so cautious of everything I say, I post, I type etc. I constantly have to prove myself as smart and interesting, so that people won’t think I’m not. And I never used to be like this. I was just me, and sure I didn’t know who ‘me’ was, but I was never this insecure about my image. So what do I do?

It’s so great to speak to someone else who gets it! It’s such a weird thing. I don’t know what I do and don’t like at this point. I feel so superficial, as you said. You’re right, the root of it is probably due to caring what other people think. And that’s something I really do need to work on! But it’s just hard when the person I am in my head isn’t the person I am in this world. And kind of sad actually... I just constantly feel this need to explain myself to people. It must be a compulsion. I fear being misunderstood. I want to be real and me, but I don’t know how to.

Yeah, maybe it’s like some sort of compulsion to ruminate around whether things are authentic or not?? I guess there’s a lot of pressure to be seen like an interesting unique person when, of course, everyone already is without needing to show it. I used to worry about that a lot actually, as a little kid: like “I’ll never be confident or really myself ahhh what if I’m going to fail at being authentic” haha I’m surprised nobody thought I might have anxiety. In terms of my OCD - I feel like I don’t want to tell people for fear of them thinking I’m trying to “show off” or seem interesting. Which is weird. But yeah. We’re both a lot of different things inside our heads, I think, so when we express ourselves we can’t (unsurprisingly) find one thing to be for other people. That’s sort of how I see it

@_esary_ That’s very very true. I like to keep my OCD a secret for that same reason! But a lil part of me wants people to know. My class found out when I did a speech on it and I’ve worried about if they think I’m faking it since. I think I just overall worry far too much about how I’m perceived and accepted. Do you?

@garden :) Yeah totally, it’s kind of embarrassing how much time I spend ruminating over how other people see me lol. I literally stayed up so late last night feeling like everyone at school thinks I’m immature and stuff.. it’s kinda crazy. A things I like to remember is; 1. I read this quote that was like “don’t take criticism from those who wouldn’t take advice from” and that’s pretty smart to keep worrying in check. Like, if you are worrying about what some random kids in your history class think of you, then ask- are those people who you would ask for advice? If not then it’s illogical to care about what they think of you, because you don’t consider their opinions helpful in other situations.

@_esary_ Thank you for that! I’ll start applying the quote to things. That’s actually quite funny as I’ve begun fearing if people I know think I’m immature and childish too hahah. I guess I worry that being myself will only bring on more issues, if ‘myself’ isn’t very likeable. I’ll be annoying or boring or something. All in all it’s just tiring to think about.

@garden :) Yeah I know exactly! my late-night-angst-brain is like “be yourself... but what if yourself is bad??” Yeah all in all it’s tiring and I guess we should just try not to freak out over it too much and just exist anyway

@_esary_ Exactly :)