I really just don’t know who I’m supposed to be. I think I’ve always suffered with identity. I’ve never really been myself, so I’ve always clung onto things that made me feel special or unique, and then I’d project that outwards. Like intelligence for example. I’m not a genius or anything, but I’d say I’m fairly smart. From very young I’ve been one of those gifted kids (sorry, I feel really narcissist saying that I hope it doesn’t seem as though I am). Then recently I found love for English Literature or essay subjects as a whole, because they were (and are) interesting and so I’m good at them. And I think that’s also partly due to my OCD, because I started seeing things in a more conceptual way, and started analysing thoughts more, and therefore EVERYTHING more. I got ‘deeper’ if you will. So as a result, I’ve sort of been labelled as ‘deep’ by my peers and friends etc. And I’m okay with that, because it feels special and new! And it’s true. But now I just feel like that’s something I have to live up to. And it’s hard because, I am complex and I know that because I know my brain. But the person I am on the outside, that person who interacts with other people, is not ME. They’re two different people. I feel like I’m trying so hard to live up to this image of myself, when really I’m not all that. I know I’m deep because I spend every hour of every day ripping apart my thoughts, but I’m scared people will just think I’m a fake. And it’s frustrating because I’m not a fake... but it’s so easy to just think a girl is trying to be quirky and all by finding new words and feeling smart and talking about mysterious things. I don’t know how to explain it. I can’t really find the right words, which further worries me because it proves I am a fake and I’m dumb or whatever. Truly smart people don’t have to prove themselves. I just fear judgement. I want to be me and I want to be special but it’s so draining being so cautious of everything I say, I post, I type etc. I constantly have to prove myself as smart and interesting, so that people won’t think I’m not. And I never used to be like this. I was just me, and sure I didn’t know who ‘me’ was, but I was never this insecure about my image. So what do I do?

First off - I’m sorry, I post here a lot. My thoughts are going to be scattered because I have the adhd/ocd/executive dysfunction wombo combo. Im so embarrassed I am THIS neurodivergent. I swear my brain couldn’t pick one struggle and settle with it. I’m not making these diagnoses quirky personality traits by any means, in fact, in this post im venting about how exhausting and embarassed I am living with a brain like this on the daily. I need to hear someone’s advice please. I love hearing everyone’s advice on posts because it’s so useful, and brings me back down to reality. Everyone on here gives advice so tastefully in a way where it doesn’t feed into the self reassurance compulsion, but it’s also been thorough and constructive enough where it’s reminded me to ground myself in a healthy way. I love seeing others helping others, it soothes me. This community has been so kind, and I’m so happy I found it. I wish I could ask more, but I have so many questions I think it’d drive everyone here crazy lol. I am doing erp therapy now, and it’s been teaching me so many amazing techniques. I’ve been making progress. However, I sometimes have my moments of vunerablity. I’ve been experiencing this especially now more than ever because I am going through a breakup. He did it through text after nearly 9 months together. I’d do anything for him and love him through anything, and he broke my heart when I least expected it. I’d make his bed for him multiple times, but I haven’t done that for myself in years. I’d sit with him for hours to watch and do anything he likes, but he’d never do the same and I’d never do the same for me. I’m also at fault because I was too scared to speak up so I let a lot of disrespect slide. Why did my ocd do that? Why does ocd make me people please even when I don’t want to? Why does OCD make me care so much about things that will never effect me (like wanting validation from a random person on the street and hoping they’ll think I’m pretty enough to look at), but then when it comes to my future or positive wellbeing (like focusing on college/doing well in classes/personal hygiene/health), forces me to not care/neglect myself and those needs? I don’t understand it. Ocd makes me think everything’s a setup or a trap. I can never believe that I am fine right where I want to be. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I even think this much? I care and feel so deeply but it becomes unhealthy so fast because ocd makes me fixate and I stay there for a while. For some reason I let this breakup define my self worth. I let it topple into the ocd fear that I will never make it in life - that I won’t be successful, I’ll never get the career I want, the love I want, or the life I want. My OCD’s version of “logic” isn’t even logical. Yes, I understand how the breakup means feelings of low self worth which will then topple into feeling bad about other things. But why has my brain been wired to think this way? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else to function normally with life but not me? Honestly this is the first time in my life where I’m dedicated to focusing on myself and learning more about myself instead of others in my life and it’s a very odd and bizarre feeling. I’m excited of course, but I’m also scared. My ocd makes me ruminate like “what if I will never make the most of this life I’ve been given”, “what if I truly have no worth and the most I will ever be in other people’s lives is a background character”, “why do I care if I’m a background character or not? I should feel guilty and ignorant for assuming everyone will automatically like me”, “are people lying to me when they call me pretty, smart or kind?”, “I need to look and sound perfect in both pictures, videos and in real life. I will never be satisfied for accepting who I am now”, and a bunch of other annoying questions. But sometimes it’s like I just can’t take the reality for what it is but at the same time, but I also acknowledge that I know this is ocd talking. This is so, so difficult. Do I make any sense with what I’m saying? Can anyone help?

Hi! It’s pretty difficult for me to get the courage to post this but I’m really struggling to figure out if what I’m experiencing is OCD or Anxiety or neither. I think I have the “pure O” type of OCD where most of my compulsions take the form of ruminating and trying to figure out something all in my head. When I hear this talked about in forums or online the intrusive thoughts don’t really match mine- I worry often about things that seem more “grounded” if that makes sense. A common one for me is my own identity- i will spend long amounts of time stuck in my head trying to figure out my feelings (often sadness or other real emotions I have and patterns I have) and why I feel that way and what in my life caused that and how it’s impacting other things in my life. I also think often about which parts of my personality are the real me and which aren’t. Sometimes this takes the form of strictly ruminating and sometimes I have fake conversations with people I know. It’s intense and I feel I have to figure it out but with no specific intrusive thought that says something like “you have to figure this out or all of your loved ones will die” but it’s very intense. I think also often of all of the decisions I need to make in the future and how they’re going to affect those I love and care about as well as how much I’ll regret them. I imagine all of the ways I think my actions will emotionally hurt others and how to make the least harmful decision, but to me this feels like a valid concern but go over and over and never come to a conclusion. I often just get scared and never make any move because I don’t see an option that doesn’t hurt someone somehow. But again I’m having a hard time identifying the intrusive thought behind it. But I also don’t choose to think about these things most of the time. This is almost all decisions but especially big life decisions. It’s such a struggle because they are things I eventually do have to make decisions about. There is so much more to it that would take too long to explain but in general a lot of my fears revolve around pleasing others/ understanding others emotions to ensure they’re okay, my own identity and personality, and work/school performance. Someone mentioned OCD to me because in my head it feels like I have to solve these things and will go over and over them but I seriously can’t figure out if it’s anxiety, OCD, or none of the above. It’s all very disruptive to my life. I am never not thinking or not trying to figure something out and I feel as if I have no control over it Anyone have any insight?

I’m about to turn 18 and I’ve graduated high school a year early and I deal with intense feelings of imposter syndrome. I have no clue where my life is headed and not really even sure what college I wanna go to. I know I want to go to college but I just don’t know what I should do. I have a good job that I’ve been at for over a year and thats great, but I look at people my age and feel like I’m not where I’m supposed to be. I’m an overachiever and someone that deals with OCD and the mix of those two is not fun. I think that when I was a child I had a lot of pressure placed onto me to do so well that I’m constantly looking for ways to improve in many aspects of my life. This leaves an unrealistic outline of where I should be and makes me feel so shitty that I can’t even see the good I’m doing. I can’t remember many positive things that people say to me about myself because I don’t think my brain believes it. I often worry if I’m not as smart as other people and overthink mistakes I make so many times a day. Excepting constructive feedback from people is extremely hard for me because I feel like I’ve failed. I feel sad about all of my past relationships with people. I feel scared nobody will ever love me.