- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
I have this long-standing fear of just never being understood if I’m a fraud forever. It’s so lonely
- Date posted
- 5y
Ahh I feel really similar. I was also one of those “gifties” as a kid, and I also struggle who the heck I’m supposed to be.. I also love English and art, so I don’t know whether to be nerdy or artsy or deep or funny or what. I feel like if I do anything on purpose, such as projecting any specific kind of person, then I’m a fake and I’m superficial. I don’t know how to just be me because like.. people say “be yourself” but I have no idea who that is. I feel like whatever I do people will think I’m trying too hard to be a certain kind of person, even if I’m being authentic. I don’t really know what to do or how to help.. but you aren’t alone with that! I guess I suggest trying not to analyze what you do or say, but just do what you want? I guess the goal is to not care how you are seen by others but I totally understand that’s really hard.
- Date posted
- 5y
It’s so great to speak to someone else who gets it! It’s such a weird thing. I don’t know what I do and don’t like at this point. I feel so superficial, as you said. You’re right, the root of it is probably due to caring what other people think. And that’s something I really do need to work on! But it’s just hard when the person I am in my head isn’t the person I am in this world. And kind of sad actually... I just constantly feel this need to explain myself to people. It must be a compulsion. I fear being misunderstood. I want to be real and me, but I don’t know how to.
- Date posted
- 5y
Also with ocd and my mental health... I’m so terrified that the people in my life think I’m faking it. Mental illness has been glamourised so much. It’s just sad because my struggles are the realist things I’ve ever felt. So I prefer to keep them to myself now, as it’s easier that way. I don’t want people to think I’m a fake, and they can’t if I’m not ‘showing it off’.
- Date posted
- 5y
Yeah, maybe it’s like some sort of compulsion to ruminate around whether things are authentic or not?? I guess there’s a lot of pressure to be seen like an interesting unique person when, of course, everyone already is without needing to show it. I used to worry about that a lot actually, as a little kid: like “I’ll never be confident or really myself ahhh what if I’m going to fail at being authentic” haha I’m surprised nobody thought I might have anxiety. In terms of my OCD - I feel like I don’t want to tell people for fear of them thinking I’m trying to “show off” or seem interesting. Which is weird. But yeah. We’re both a lot of different things inside our heads, I think, so when we express ourselves we can’t (unsurprisingly) find one thing to be for other people. That’s sort of how I see it
- Date posted
- 5y
@_esary_ That’s very very true. I like to keep my OCD a secret for that same reason! But a lil part of me wants people to know. My class found out when I did a speech on it and I’ve worried about if they think I’m faking it since. I think I just overall worry far too much about how I’m perceived and accepted. Do you?
- Date posted
- 5y
@garden :) Yeah totally, it’s kind of embarrassing how much time I spend ruminating over how other people see me lol. I literally stayed up so late last night feeling like everyone at school thinks I’m immature and stuff.. it’s kinda crazy. A things I like to remember is; 1. I read this quote that was like “don’t take criticism from those who wouldn’t take advice from” and that’s pretty smart to keep worrying in check. Like, if you are worrying about what some random kids in your history class think of you, then ask- are those people who you would ask for advice? If not then it’s illogical to care about what they think of you, because you don’t consider their opinions helpful in other situations.
- Date posted
- 5y
@_esary_ Thank you for that! I’ll start applying the quote to things. That’s actually quite funny as I’ve begun fearing if people I know think I’m immature and childish too hahah. I guess I worry that being myself will only bring on more issues, if ‘myself’ isn’t very likeable. I’ll be annoying or boring or something. All in all it’s just tiring to think about.
- Date posted
- 5y
@garden :) Yeah I know exactly! my late-night-angst-brain is like “be yourself... but what if yourself is bad??” Yeah all in all it’s tiring and I guess we should just try not to freak out over it too much and just exist anyway
- Date posted
- 5y
@_esary_ Exactly :)
Related posts
- Date posted
- 23w
First off - I’m sorry, I post here a lot. My thoughts are going to be scattered because I have the adhd/ocd/executive dysfunction wombo combo. Im so embarrassed I am THIS neurodivergent. I swear my brain couldn’t pick one struggle and settle with it. I’m not making these diagnoses quirky personality traits by any means, in fact, in this post im venting about how exhausting and embarassed I am living with a brain like this on the daily. I need to hear someone’s advice please. I love hearing everyone’s advice on posts because it’s so useful, and brings me back down to reality. Everyone on here gives advice so tastefully in a way where it doesn’t feed into the self reassurance compulsion, but it’s also been thorough and constructive enough where it’s reminded me to ground myself in a healthy way. I love seeing others helping others, it soothes me. This community has been so kind, and I’m so happy I found it. I wish I could ask more, but I have so many questions I think it’d drive everyone here crazy lol. I am doing erp therapy now, and it’s been teaching me so many amazing techniques. I’ve been making progress. However, I sometimes have my moments of vunerablity. I’ve been experiencing this especially now more than ever because I am going through a breakup. He did it through text after nearly 9 months together. I’d do anything for him and love him through anything, and he broke my heart when I least expected it. I’d make his bed for him multiple times, but I haven’t done that for myself in years. I’d sit with him for hours to watch and do anything he likes, but he’d never do the same and I’d never do the same for me. I’m also at fault because I was too scared to speak up so I let a lot of disrespect slide. Why did my ocd do that? Why does ocd make me people please even when I don’t want to? Why does OCD make me care so much about things that will never effect me (like wanting validation from a random person on the street and hoping they’ll think I’m pretty enough to look at), but then when it comes to my future or positive wellbeing (like focusing on college/doing well in classes/personal hygiene/health), forces me to not care/neglect myself and those needs? I don’t understand it. Ocd makes me think everything’s a setup or a trap. I can never believe that I am fine right where I want to be. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I even think this much? I care and feel so deeply but it becomes unhealthy so fast because ocd makes me fixate and I stay there for a while. For some reason I let this breakup define my self worth. I let it topple into the ocd fear that I will never make it in life - that I won’t be successful, I’ll never get the career I want, the love I want, or the life I want. My OCD’s version of “logic” isn’t even logical. Yes, I understand how the breakup means feelings of low self worth which will then topple into feeling bad about other things. But why has my brain been wired to think this way? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else to function normally with life but not me? Honestly this is the first time in my life where I’m dedicated to focusing on myself and learning more about myself instead of others in my life and it’s a very odd and bizarre feeling. I’m excited of course, but I’m also scared. My ocd makes me ruminate like “what if I will never make the most of this life I’ve been given”, “what if I truly have no worth and the most I will ever be in other people’s lives is a background character”, “why do I care if I’m a background character or not? I should feel guilty and ignorant for assuming everyone will automatically like me”, “are people lying to me when they call me pretty, smart or kind?”, “I need to look and sound perfect in both pictures, videos and in real life. I will never be satisfied for accepting who I am now”, and a bunch of other annoying questions. But sometimes it’s like I just can’t take the reality for what it is but at the same time, but I also acknowledge that I know this is ocd talking. This is so, so difficult. Do I make any sense with what I’m saying? Can anyone help?
- Date posted
- 6w
I’m about to turn 18 and I’ve graduated high school a year early and I deal with intense feelings of imposter syndrome. I have no clue where my life is headed and not really even sure what college I wanna go to. I know I want to go to college but I just don’t know what I should do. I have a good job that I’ve been at for over a year and thats great, but I look at people my age and feel like I’m not where I’m supposed to be. I’m an overachiever and someone that deals with OCD and the mix of those two is not fun. I think that when I was a child I had a lot of pressure placed onto me to do so well that I’m constantly looking for ways to improve in many aspects of my life. This leaves an unrealistic outline of where I should be and makes me feel so shitty that I can’t even see the good I’m doing. I can’t remember many positive things that people say to me about myself because I don’t think my brain believes it. I often worry if I’m not as smart as other people and overthink mistakes I make so many times a day. Excepting constructive feedback from people is extremely hard for me because I feel like I’ve failed. I feel sad about all of my past relationships with people. I feel scared nobody will ever love me.
- Date posted
- 6w
I feel like my life is shifting for the better possibly because I’m finally taking myself seriously. However, I simultaneously feel like im so far behind compared to my peers. It’s like i have to fail multiple times in order for me to understand the importance of my future. Everything I do needs to be perfect and if it’s not I am never satisfied - whether it’s school work, appearance, or even everyday tasks. Then I keep reflecting on old memories and it’s very difficult. An old ocd tic is coming back where whenever I get a “cringey” or “unwanted” thought about myself I have to say a phrase out loud to get rid of it. Lately lot of my compulsions are old and new ones. For example, I compulsed and confessed to everyone in my extended family about my ocd because I thought it’d make them understand me more but it doesn’t. I overshared and over explained far too much to them as I usually do to anyone I talk to. I’m constantly over apologizing. Ill be driving, hit a bump, and think I ran someone over or a family or a pregnant woman and I’ll be pulled over. I keep getting detailed imagery of me getting crushed in my car. If I kill a bug I’m convinced I will pay for it in some way or another and karma will get to me even if I feel bad. I delete and redownload the same 3 social media apps every day. I’m pretty sure I have an addiction to pornography and I want it to stop. No other girl deals with this. Someone on here said on one of my posts reguarding relationship ocd before that I might have bpd and now this is really weighing on me. I can’t stop googling abt it. I feel stupid because I could have it so much worse like other people on this planet do and yet here I am. I have the privilege to log onto this app and complain about my troubles while someone else is worried about if they’re going to eat tonight. I feel incredibly selfish and small when I express myself because people usually think I’m too much it seems. I don’t like people in my generation (gen z) because social media has triggered my lcd and it feeds this idea to people that other people are easily accessible or disposable at any given point - you give someone a follow/unfollow button and now they feel entitled to you. I want to be left alone and not perceived by anyone because no one will ever fully understand me. All I want is to be a peaceful person, an amazing psychiatrist, an educated and healthy woman, who people will take seriously. I just feel like my goals are impossible because I keep messing up and struggling with staying consistent. I sometimes wish I could be someone else so I could take this pressure off me. I’m sorry for how scattered this is, I’m probably just overtired and burnt out from life
Be a part of the largest OCD Community
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond