I didn’t mean to delete my post ugh. Basically I’m panicking because I’m 23 and because of trauma I age regress. Basically I just really miss being a kid. I miss being treated like a kid. I miss getting to do kid things and not be seen as weird or be like “oh you’re an adult so I’ll treat you differently” and stuff. Basically I was making something and talking to my friend and the subject was brought up because of it and I said “I almost said I was 17 last year to do a reading program” because you couldn’t be over 18 to do it. I obviously didn’t do it but like Idk. He was like “that’s getting into creepy territory” and I started panicking the fuck out. He said chill and said he knows I didn’t mean it like that but I legit feel so much panic now and it won’t go away and I want to just cry? I think about everything I used to say to my ex best friend bc I used to tell her everything and when ever I told her this stuff she used to tell me I wasn’t creepy and stuff but like I don’t know. I feel really sick now and it’s like every morning something seems to upset me and puts my on hard core edge and I’m always alone when it happens. I really really hate it. I’m scared because I’m so obsessed with wanting to be a kid again that it makes me some creepy p word. When I ain’t even attracted to kids and I’d never wanna hurt a kid. I just want to be a kid again and be treated like one. And just not have to worry about adult stuff like at ALL. My friend knows I regress so when he said that it just set me off so bad. I don’t know. I just hate how I’m always alone in the morning when this always happens. I’ll just panic and feel sick. Or I’ll be upset and depressed. And everyone would have already gone to bed. I just wanna disappear now and i think of any of my other friends heard any of my feelings they’d probably be creeped out and I’m just panicking. I don’t know what to do and I’m depressed and panicking and honestly I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so tired of everything and my life is going down the drain anyways. As an adult life just sucks and everyone leaves you. My dog died the other day and everyone always just leaves me through death. Grandma, other dog two years ago, my dog the other day... and then my mom has Alzheimer’s, and I’m not emotionally connected to my dad so I feel so fuckint alone. My ex best friend left me last year. Legit just wanna go back in time and be a kid again like I don’t know.

I did but it was very hard to hear the woman and she didn’t really say much to me. I also am anxious still because I don’t do things to hurt anyone so like I don’t know. I don’t feel comfortable lying about my age. Like I don’t normally do that. I just wanted to be apart of a reading program again. Like when I was a kid. The volunteer was idek I think some teen and was probably weirded out maybe idk I felt bad for even asking I wasn’t trying to be weird but I feel like even that can’t be forgiven. I’m just really tired and my pocd is constantly getting to me at this point that I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore. I really don’t. I’d never wanna hurt anyone. So I just don’t know what to do? Mix of ocd and bpd and depression is just getting to me.

I’m also remembering too once I was at the park with my parents and they were sitting there and I was in the sandbox and I was just playing in the sand by myself and this one kid wouldn’t stop trying to talk to me and kept asking me how old I was and I felt anxious and kept just saying I don’t know because I was anxious and Ugh I don’t know. I’m feeling terrible I just feel like a terrible person.

@Mars Have you heard of "emotional reasoning"?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie No I havent what is that?

@Mars It's a cognitive distortion where we believe our emotions are always àccurate reflections of reality. Like that because we are scared, we must really be in danger. Or because we feel self conscious, people are staring at us. Because we feel guilty, we must have done something wrong, even if we can't figure out what we did. When you say, "I'm feeling terrible.... I'm a terrible person" that sounds like emotional reasoning to me. What do you think?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie That does sound like emotional reasoning. Is there any way to believe that it is just emotional reasoning in time of crisis? I think that’s my hardest part for me.

@Mars For me, just noticing it in myself is a step forward. Then I can delay making a decision or a ring on the feeling until it passes, so that I can think more clearly

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I think I’m noticing it right now. I’m feeling guilt so it must I did something terrible is the feeling. I’m trying to stay in a call with friends despite my guilt. I just worry that if they knew what I did they’d think I’m freaky. Which is the frustrating part. @_@ but I’ll keep pushing with staying in call despite emotion response.

@Mars I'm proud of you for pushing yourself to stay in the call

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Yeah I tried but I quickly left more so bc I was about to eat but after eating I got too anxious to do anything and ended up falling asleep... it really do me a struggle every day. I luckily have my appointment in 8? Hours. But idk