I rly truly feel alone. I see everyone else’s posts on this app get multiple likes but then mine always seems skipped over and it makes me wonder if everyone else must think I’m messed up too. And I’m panicking all over again. I’m really tired and my pocd is constantly triggered. I’m just tired of it.

Just anxious bc my friend triggered me yesterday. Basically I age regress bc of depression and trauma. It’s the only time I truly feel safe is when *i* feel like a kid again. I off handing told my friend I almost said I was 17 to do a reading summer program last year bc I rly wanted to do it I missed being able to do things like when I was a kid and he went “that’s getting into creepy territory” and that’s what set me off. And I feel bad but someone on here said “that does raise red flags but you didn’t do it you only thought it and we all think things like that sometimes” but it’s like.. idk I even asked the volunteer last year who idk was probably a teen and I probably weirded them out. I’m just tired I just miss being a kid I don’t wanna hurt anyone. I’m just tired of everything in my whole life. I constantly feel alone and I hate feeling like an adult it feels depressing and miserable. I’m constantly sad. I feel constantly unsafe. I wouldn’t lie about my age bc it makes me uncomfortable and like I can see how it is probably weird but I just wanted to do a reading program. Once I was at the park too with my parents and I was playing in the sand box and this kid wouldn’t leave me alone and kept asking how old I was and I was so anxious and I was regressing so I just kept saying I don’t know and my ex best friend used to reassure me I wasn’t doing anything wrong but now I sont know anymore. I feel like what if I’m just some creep when all I want is to be treated like a kid again and to be seen like a kid again and just feel happy again. I ain’t attracted to kids, that disgusts me and the thoughts make me sick and I’m sure actual p words wouldn’t feel this much guilt, but I still feel like a creep. Simply bc my brain isn’t always the brain of a 23 year old.

And then all the pocd just goes back to my trauma of all the deaths I’ve experienced and having to grow up fast to take care of people etc. it’s a cycle of pocd and depression pocd and depression. I feel like there’s no escape and no matter what I do I’m doomed. Every day I get triggered. Every day I’m depressed. My scariest thoughts of growing older and being left alone are actually coming true and I really hate it.

@Mars I see you posts all the time and I relate to them because anyone who suffers from this awful theme knows how bad it can get and how much it doesn’t make sense. But we are in this together trust me. We aren’t pedos at all haha none of us. We just gotta get through this. I don’t know if you started any therapy. I know I haven’t. But maybe it’s time to get that help and bring those walls down and do ERP. I know I need to. I know maybe I should give Zoloft a shot and actually stick with it and work my way up in doses. Anyways, we gotta keep moving. We gotta stay busy and we gotta keep improvising to get ourselves better. I’m with you Mars. So many of us are. I do wish this app had an IM chat or had a group chat option because I’d say we could chat about this shit anytime. Every time I see your post it makes me feel not alone. So know you aren’t alone and you’re brave af for coming on here and seeking out conversations. Hopefully soon we will have some sort of group IM option on here for people who connect and can relate so we can have group therapy sessions. Anyways, If you ever see me on the boards please feel free to reach out! God bless you and trust yourself :)

@Jayy0101 Thank you, I feel bad honestly for posting so much even though I know that’s what this app is for. It just seems like a cycle since I deal with more than ocd. I deal with bpd and a few other things as well. So it’s a mixed bag that kind of cycles it’s self and is hard to find the right treatment all the time. It’s hard bc I don’t think people even understand what I say when I say I age regress bc of trauma. It makes me feel safe again. But then my ocd later will tell me I’m some creep bc of how badly I wish I was a kid again and idk. It’s hard to explain. It rly is. I’m just tired and I just got off the phone with a hotline once again. Idk if it even helped. I’m glad I’m not alone with pocd.. I just wonder if my pocd isn’t the same as everyone else’s and that scares me.. thank you very much tho... it is a struggle and I’m trying to keep going. It’s just hard.

@Mars Diving back into my faith and searching for purpose in my life allowed me to gain my confidence back. People don’t talk about confidence enough. We all have the ability to grow it. To have faith in yourself that you know who you are as a person and that these thoughts and ruminations come from having a self-conscious and sticky mind. The core fear is important but so is boosting your love for yourself because it makes things easier. Everything for that matter. Also I’m 23 like you and about to graduate college. This shit sucks but we can get through this. Again, i found reaching out to God has helped, it’s nice to know you aren’t alone spiritually either. Just a suggestion. :)

Just freaking out about something specific so like. I dunno. I’m wondering if I should call the suicide hotline again but it didn’t help me much at all yesterday. I couldn’t even hear the woman on the phone and I don’t know why.

But yeah like I just start to wonder if like... even if others who have pocd have pocd my brain is like what if I’m different? Idk. I’m just freaking out again. And I’m tired.

@Mars I understand, but it’s your ocd and fears getting to you.