So what is an example of ERP treatment for this sub type of OCD does anybody know?

I created this assuming you are straight and fear being homosexual, but SOOCD can go any which way, so if you’re gay/bi and fear being straight, simply replace each of these with the opposite fear.

Same rules! You’d probably want to create some scripts specific to no longer finding women attractive. Perhaps also one about not having kids. Scripts are great for tackling any specific fears you can’t seem to find an external trigger for. Or that are difficult to reproduce (like finding out a friend is having a baby. That happens every now and then, but with a script, you can challenge yourself with it every day, multiple times a day until it stops triggering you.) I make my scripts about one page long hand written and read them 10-20 times a day (I usually split them up so I read in the morning and at night.)

@pureolife OK. Just so I understand the goal or process. If I write a story about not finding women attractive (which is highly distressing) and re-read it this accomplishes 1) anxiety will leave on its own via ERP and 2) will I come to realize this is NOT true, I really DO find women attractive, it’s just the OCD hijaking my brain telling me otherwise?? Am I undertanding correctly?

@GMM The goal is not necessarily to “prove” to yourself that it’s not true. It’s to tolerate the distress and increase your capacity for facing distressing situations that trigger your OCD.

Id rather stick to talking with people in the app here — but an OCD specialist could walk you through actually doing ERP.

Write a fictional story as if your fears come true. Write it in first person as if it’s happening. Example: “I meet an attractive woman at the coffee shop in the morning but feel nothing. I look around the shop and notice many other women but still can’t muster even the slightest interest. I try looking up women I used to be attracted to on my phone, but nothing. I realize it’s finally happened and I can no longer feel anything towards women.” Etc.. continue on your own

@pureolife You want to create a version of story of your nightmares coming true. And you can do this with any OCD fear or topic. Just write a new story for each thing. Or layer them together. Like not performing sexually and also getting them pregnant in one story. Think of it like the opposite of a bed time story. You want to make it as bad and anxiety provoking as you can. Then read it to yourself as if it’s happening in real life. And read it every day until it stops making you anxious. Don’t perform compulsions during or after.

When you resist compulsions, you learn to tolerate the distress of your triggers on your own and gradually you habituate to them which makes them less scary. By not responding with compulsions you also show your brain that these thoughts aren’t either a threat or important and gradually it will send them to you less.

@pureolife This article can explain things better than I: https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/expert-opinion-self-directed-erp/

@pureolife So let’s say I write a story about being alone with a women and not becoming aroused! Re-read it until it stops making me anxious and don’t engage in a compulsion! Now if a situation like this happens in real life will I be able to handle it because I’ve practiced this via ERP? If I don’t get aroused by my gf or a girl this no way MEANS that I am gay. This is highly distressing which is why I avoid women! A sexual situation these days with a women feels very scary and I hate it! Would love to just enjoy myself!

@GMM As you do with ERP: work your way up to it! And practice the same self compassion and compulsion prevention you always do. Start with a kiss, to slow. If you need to stop: stop. You’ll be SO much better prepared doing these scripts on your own than you would have been with no preparation. Just remember all you’ve learned once you’re dealing with it in the real world. “Oh yes, I’ve thought this, felt this, feared this before. And I know I can handle it.”

Real life triggers will stop being so triggering because you’ve practiced dealing with them on your own through ERP.

@pureolife What a relief! Cannot thank you enough!

Yes those sound like perfect story topics! Write in first person and present tense (“I pick up the phone” vs “they picked up the phone”). Re read these scripts 20x a day. During and after: no compulsion. I’d track your distress levels so you can see the change. Each time you read the script 20x (or 10x if you break it up into two batches for the day) write down how distressed you feel after on a scale of 1-10. By the end of week one, you should see a big difference. By the end of week two, you should be close to 0, but if not, go for another week.

Scripts are always great. You could also choose something to look at like a sexy photo (one you’ve liked in the past perhaps.) look at it every day and, as usual, do not do compulsions. Allow your fears to “come true.” If you feel no “attraction”, that’s okay. Just let the anxiety and intrusive thoughts be there and leave on their own. Answer with uncertainty, “maybe this means I’m gay. Or maybe not. I don’t know and don’t need to know.”

Don’t give yourself reassurance. The goal isn’t to argue with the OCD and make yourself feel like everything will be okay until your anxiety subsides. It’s to have the scary thoughts and feelings and NOT to compulsions of any kind to make it easier. To let it be there and leave on its own. Reassurance is one of the most common compulsions and tricky to stop. Sit with it and answer maybe: “maybe I’m really only attracted to men. Maybe not I don’t know and I don’t need to know.” You do not need an answer or certainty about your orientation. That doesn’t mean you will never feel confident in this again, it just means that right now, with your obsession, you can’t. You have to deal with the OCD first. And the goal of ERP isn’t to figure this out. It’s to stop obsessing about it.

@pureolife Even the thought of being alone with a women triggers so much fear about it leading to sex and me not getting aroused, or me not performing or me getting her pregnant, once I write these stories and do the excersises you told me, the goal to NOT be scared in real life if I’m alone with a women since I’ve practiced ERP? Do I have this right?

@GMM You will likely still be scared! Especially the first few times. You can’t eliminate the fear but you can practice dealing with it and understanding that fear doesn’t mean you have to run away. You can both experience fear and keep doing what you’re doing. Go with your values.

@pureolife When you say go with my values, what do you mean exactly?

@pureolife And if I do meet a girl I like and I start to have fear I can just face this fear and tell her how I am feeling? It’s all a bit complicated because I’m romantically attracted to women and sexually attracted to men. No fear with men but huge fear with women. I’ve discovered with women, it’s not that I am not attracted to women, it’s fear and OCD! Keep these amazing words coming! I just need to be happy and free from this pain!!!

@GMM You don’t need to necessarily tell her about your fear. That would involve disclosing your OCD and likely a very long, complicated conversation. You can simply accept that you’re having the fear and keep doing what you’re doing anyways. By values I mean that if you value forming relationships with women: keep doing that. Don’t let anxiety or OCD stop you.

I don’t want to give you any reassurance about whether or not a lot of people feel the same way. And it doesn’t matter! You do not need to ever be 100% certain of your orientation. And you never will be. The level of certainty OCD is exactly what makes these obsessions continue.

@pureolife Also I’m visualizing a situation with dating a women and attempting to get intimate and not responding sexually or not getting aroused and feeling terrible because of it. Also fearing that if I do not get aroused then I am doomed to ever get aroused again and that I must be gay. This is highly distressing! Write a script too and re-read? Anything else? I’m sorry is seeking answers also a compulsion?

@GMM Sounds like a great script! Write it out, read it every day. If you have too many scripts, maybe pick only 2 or 3 to read a week (every day that week) and only move onto other scripts once those have stopped provoking anxiety anymore.

@pureolife Sure thing! Let’s say in real life this does happen, can I ask wha the best thing to do is? Talk to the girl about it and see what I can do to help get aroused? I guess I used to think this is the end of the world because I would just think this meant I was gay!

@GMM The best thing to do is just relax and enjoy yourself anyways. Orgasms are not the end all be all of sex. You can still do plenty of fun stuff and please her. Take the pressure off of yourself to “perform.” If it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t.

@pureolife Such a relief! I realized it’s not that I’m not attracted to women, it’s the OCD that was doubting my attraction toward women! Working on some scripts!

@pureolife And let’s say I do not get aroused. I can just tell her I’m having a little bit of a problem and we can always try again another time. This by all means is not “proof” that I am gay.

@pureolife Doing an evaluation with a therapist next Monday through here; NOCD! Wrote a script about coming out as gay. I truly believe when it comes to getting with a women, it is way more fear than me feeling like I’m truly “gay” and forcing it. But at times the doubt and stress can hikack my day. I am sexual with men due more to convienience and opportunity and I do enjoy it too. When the fear and doubt is gone, I can and have really enjoyed being with women too. But often when I think of being with a women, it triggers a lot of anxious thoughts and worries unlike with men. Maybe I’ll feel a bit of relief once I have good successful sexual episodes with some women. Any tips?

@GMM I’d suggest talking with your therapist about it. They can help you navigate both ERP and real-world encounters.

@pureolife You have helped tremendously also! Can’t thank you enough!

@pureolife I think it is most comfortable for me not to put a label on my sexual orientation. Love how you said I never have to know! That gets rid of the obsessions! I enjoy getting sexual with both genders when I’m free of anxiety and obsessions. The doubt about attraction to women and the fear of not becoming aroused clearly seems to stem from the OCD not on facts!

@pureolife Hi there! I was just having a talk with my parents. I think the hallmark of all my suffering this year has been not being able to accept the fact that I don’t like women enough to want to be in a relationship with one. And the shame was so terrible because I wasn’t like all my buddies or most men in general and I felt doomed because this was the only stable and realistic way to have children a house etc. And what has caused me pain too, is that I used to want to be with a women when I was younger, and the desire has just faded and now it feels forced, or like I have to talk myself into it. It was giving me a terrible feeling of shame and self loathing. I’m not suffering quite as badly thank god do to your guys help, but my question to you is are there ERP or other things I can do to just be at PEACE with the above? Often I still feel “bad” about not liking women enough to want to be in a relationship, and don’t want to feel pain any longer on the subject matter. This very well could be why I have suffered from so many triggers on couples, heteronormativity, other buddies sexy lives either there gf’s and all that stuff. Thoughts?

@GMM ERP won’t necessarily help with shame. You may simply want to talk to a therapist and let them know you want to work on your self esteem. You’ll likely practice things like gratitude, mindfulness, and challenging cognitive biases behind distorted thoughts.

@pureolife How are you? Anyway that are able to read my last comment? Hurting today

There will be bad days. That’s both normal and expected. The best thing you can do is truly internalize that fact and forgive your mind for struggling. Remember to lean into the uncertainty rather than trying to prove these thoughts to be untrue. Maybe you aren’t attracted to women enough for a relationship. But maybe you are. Both of those are okay. Both of those are possible. You don’t need a difinitive answer in this moment. Also: remind yourself that there is nothing to be ashamed about regardless of the form your sexuality takes. Maybe you love women a lot, maybe you only love them sometimes in certain circumstances, maybe you like them okay but not enough to find a relationship fulfilling. All of those are fine. The worst case scenario is a perfectly acceptable person to be and worthy of love.

@pureolife Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Fighting everyday for self love and internal peace. I’m 35 year old bu sexual male who just wants to be comfortable in my own skin and free of pain. I’ve spend a lot of time crying this year. It is a dream come true to have come across NOCD. You guys have truly saved my life. I truly wish I can meet you in person and give you a hug..though I may cry in your arms. Karla Sanchez my therapist is amazing. And pureolife you are just a wonderful beautiful person for helping me fight my OCD. Tears are coming down. I must be happy for the rest of my life! Hugs.

@GMM I’m glad I can help. And I understand the strong desire to simply feel comfortable and at home with oneself. That’s something I think everyone can relate to and everyone wants and deserves in this life. I’m so glad you’re working with a therapist and gradually making progress in all of this. When you put in the work, OCD is manageable. Recovery is possible. Times of intense personal growth can be hard while we’re in them. But hopefully you’ll look back at this time some day and be proud of yourself for all you’ve done.

@pureolife I saw another one of ur post and what do I do if I am scared that my gender isn’t sis and I am scared I am non binary or transgender

@hunterxhunter You treat it like any other OCD theme. It’s not special. You lean into uncertainty, practice ERP, learn mindfulness, and resist compulsions. It’s a very scary theme, and I’m sorry you’re experiencing it. It’s honestly the perfect topic for OCD because it’s so full of ambiguity, nuance, uncertainty, and misunderstanding. After all, it’s not like there’s a blood test you can take. So it’s clear why ocd loves this topic and why it’s growing in popularity as coverage of this issue becomes more main stream. Know you’re not alone. Know that OCD is OCD regardless of the subject or theme. Know that you can treat it the same and recovery is possible.

@pureolife Also I fear I have a pegging kink caused by tiktok because people said it has more stimulation then penile and I am so worried it ruined my self esteem

@hunterxhunter It’s super common to fear that there’s some secret part of your sexuality that you haven’t discovered. You could fear if you do you’ll become some sort of monster or hate yourself or that you’ll just become a person you don’t recognize or really know. I know when I went through HOCD, I feared that I was “missing out” on something way better than I’d ever experienced because I was just “too scared.” But that’s what OCD does: it presents this ambiguous “maybe” that you can endlessly obsess over because there is no real answer. Maybe pegging would be fun! Maybe it is for others but you’d hate it. Maybe you’d just think it was meh and not a big deal. Obsessing over what it could mean is just fueling your OCD. And the more you obsess, the more “real” and scary all these what ifs feel. But feelings are not facts. Your level of fear does not correspond directly with how possible these things are or are not. Your fear corresponds with how much you let your OCD run rampant.

@pureolife Help I don’t want to get pegged either but my brain says I do