Hi! I was recently diagnosed after some deep thinking into my past- realizing I’ve had OCD for as long as I can remember. I’m having a difficult time accepting I still have it because my obsessions and compulsions don’t “fit” into a category like they did when I was a kid. When I was a kid it’s obvious now: -Constant fear that I was dying of cancer or another illness and couldn’t/wouldn’t tell anyone -fear of “germs” or “dead skin cells” that I would make into a joke -any time I traveled by plane I would pray the same prayer for sometimes hours at a time because I was convinced a terrorist would hijack the plane -counting down from 10 in areas like malls, movie theaters, etc. bc I “knew” a bomb would explode and we would all die when I finished So clearly I had a deep fear of death and everything I did revolves around that Now as an adult I feel guilty even saying I have it. (Even though the first time I even realize I had it as a kid, which seems obvious now, was this year). But everything I do fits into a different category. A big part to me is that the stuff I do seems less extreme than as a child because now I logically know I’m not dying of cancer. For example as an adult: (I’m 23) -peeing 5x or more before bed in a 15 minute period -still have the germ thing but not to the degree I had it as a child so I’m like is it still a thing and I can just hide it well? I will wash my hands while inside multiple times despite doing nothing to dirty them but not like 20x -absolutely CANNOT fall asleep unless my nighttime stuff is right (earplugs, lotion on hands, thighs can’t touch, can have my arm circulation being cut off, and others) I guess what I’m saying is so often I feel like “well maybe i don’t actually have it now. I clearly had it as a kid but not now! Now I think I’m just weird!” I have this fear that I accidentally tricked my therapist and psychiatrist to diagnose me? So, does anyone else experience this? Who had childhood OCD especially?

Contamination OCD

Sandri

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 5y

Hi! I’m 26 now, but not until about 3 years ago was I FINALLY diagnosed with OCD. Even though I’ve had it since I was a child. I have a very similar experience in that the OCD I had as a child was more “typical” OCD or just more obvious in retrospect since I know now about the disorder. But as I grew up my ocd became more and more complex and bizarre, but they materialized internally as a lot of mental compulsions so it was easy for it not to be detected then — which is why I never knew I had OCD, I just thought it had to an extreme case of GAD but I also knew deep down that that didn’t fit either. I also have just about every type of OCD and my obsessions can jump from one theme to another. It seems fitting that as you grew older your initial symptoms “lessoned” simply bc you have more knowledge now and naturally they had to change. I also fear sometimes that “is this really OCD or is it something else and I’m unaware of it?” I think that’s super common. But from the years of dealing with OCD and all the knowledge I now have of it, I know my OCD when it comes to try and torment me (which is like all the time lol). The first book to absolutely help me tremendously with my OCD and also feel confident in recognizing it even when it feels so disguised is Brain Lock. I HIGHLY recommend it if you’ve never read it! I think you could find some serious relief and also so much amazing information reading it if you haven’t. I’m not a professional by any means, but I can relate and wanted to share some of my own experiences in hopes it can help (not reassure) you in your journey. You got this ???

heartkitten19

Date posted: 5y

This was so so helpful thank you so much!! I am absolutely going to get that book and I really appreciate your comment and making me feel heard and understood ? I completely relate to what you said about mental compulsions being so easy to hide from the world that it makes it harder to recognize!

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