i’m trying to write my hierarchy to do erp correctly but the thing is i’m a bit confused. my obsession come into my head usually by my triggers and that could be like seeing the word bisexual or gay or seeing a pretty girl. and then i get that wave of anxiety and the thoughts come in. or i can be sitting and i get the thought that “i’ll never have a bf” or “i’m gonna meet a girl and she’s gonna change me” and so if anything should i do a hierarchy for the things that trigger me the most instead what i obsess about? cus i cant pin point what i get anxious about sometimes, it’s just the anxiety is there and i know why cus the thoughts are at the back of my head.

that’s really good advice thank you so much. i’ll definetly be doing this

yh it’s so annoying cus before i never really regarded them nor did i think they were attractive

@ta do you wanna message me on instagram cus it would be nice to talk to someone who i can relate to. my acc is @whydoishowerwhydoibath

@ta oh ok, that’s fine

@ta yes i have a whole list and they all have reason behind it funny enough. the main person is Billie Eilish because i remember before HOCD i guess you could say i was a fan of hers. i wasn’t obssessed but i appreciates her music. the thing is most of her fans have a thing for her and i get the appeal like she’s a pretty girl with a nice body and i always acknowledge that. but now i obsess over the fact that i may be like all her fans who want to be with her and how sometimes when id watch les porn i’d make up fantasies in my head and shed be in them sometimes but after i finished i’d be like “ew” and wouldn’t even see it as weird. same way how i’d watch porn that were like gang bangs and i’d like it in the moment but then when i finish i think “i’d never do that” even thought it’s arousing. so i guess you can realise why this is so difficult for me. the fans also created a sort of sexuality called “BILsexual” where you’re straight but you wanna date billie eilish and i remember finding that funny but i keep getting these false memories that i identified with that i literally can’t remember but my mind tells me that i do

@ta also, there’s this show called atypical that i watched last year in november and the main character is this girl who is kinda androgynous and her character falls for this girl who’s really feminine and they start dating and i remember watching tt and not really caring like i thought it was cute you know. but i had this weird ass drama about the girl in the show, it was the most random thing cus i didn’t even acknowkegde her as pretty or anything (she is but it was something that i acknowledge yk) i had a dream that i was licking her breast and i have no idea why but in the dream i liked it. i woke up in panic and searched up if i was bi which scared me cus i thought searching it up meant that it’s true. i kinda came to the conclusion that it was silly and didn’t mean anything unless i think it does and i didn’t so. but now i’m going through HOCD i can’t stop thinking about that

it’s ok i think i figured it out but thank you

the thing is i’ve stopped my biggest compulsions for two months but i still feel stuck. i still have moments where i wanna kill myself. it’s better than it was before but i feel like i’ll be stuck like this forever

@ocdear Ok. That's frustrating. I can see why you're feeling stuck. Can you think of any new compulsions that have replaced the ones you eliminated?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie my old compulsion were searching up if i’m bi or straight. watching videos about it and stuff. but i’ve stopped doing that. right now i can’t stop comparing scenarios with boys and girls in my head. or i see how i react when i say “i’m bi” or “i’m straight” which i’m trying to stop. i’m just sick of being anxious and i can’t get therapy on the app cus i live in london and i cant go to a therapist right now cus of corona

@ocdear I'm hearing that you feel like you've run out of options. You're doing your best on your own, but the effort doesn't seem to be paying off yet

@NOCD Advocate - Katie yh exactly. it’s really hard cus i’m only 17 and i feel so alone with this. even though i have this app and people to talk to i still feel alone. i feel like i’ll never get through this and i’m just gonna end up being lesbian and bisexual and have to date girls and marry them and i don’t want to ??

@ocdear Finding this app and starting to change your behavior on your own shows a lot of initiative. You've already demonstrated that you can be persistent and locate resources.

@NOCD Advocate - Katie thanks i’m glad you see that. i guess i’m too hard on myself lol. thanks for all the help you guys do it’s truly amazing ❤️❤️

@ocdear Going back to the compulsions, it sounds like you've swapped more overt, observable compulsions like googling for internal, hidden ones (comparing scenarios and checking for body sensations or emotions).

@NOCD Advocate - Katie yh exactly right and i dunno how to approach stopping them

@ocdear Doing an exposure and then immediately transitioning to another task that requires attention is one way I set myself up for success at resisting mental compulsions. Response prevention for mental compulsions is really challenging if you try to sit there and do nothing and think of nothing. Putting your brain to use doing something else might make it easier to avoid ritualizing

@NOCD Advocate - Katie ok i’ll try that. it’s especially hard since i have so much free time right now but i will try. thank you x

@ocdear Yeah, the distancing isn't helpful