Okay so my bf is everything I’ve ever wanted but for some reason when I see him all my brain does is criticize him...? saying he’s not cute or he’s not funny or he’s immature ect. ect. even though I know he’s now...? my brain aso downplays the good things and amplifies the bad...it’s really annoying and I don’t know what to do....I’m about to see him for the first time face to face in two months and I’m so nervous....

Probably the fact that you always push away and judge any thoughts of noticing his imperfections and try to counteract them by arguing good things about it, has done nothing but cause the amount of those thoughts to increase. You've taught your brain that they're important by fretting about them and arguing with them. You do know that, right? Could you try actually letting yourself have a thought like "that thing he just said was a bit immature" and accepting that you have the thought? It doesn't make you a mean, bad, judgmental person or girlfriend. Everybody has those thoughts about other people, whether they're in a relationship or not. Most people pay the thoughts so little attention that they're barely aware of it. It goes, "ooh, I think I can smell a bonfire outside" -> "my boyfriend is eating so grossly messily right now" -> "where did I leave my good slippers?". There's nothing bad about noticing stuff. There's a possibility that sometimes you're actually starting off with thoughts which just notice something like "that joke wasn't funny", but you've attached so many meanings about what negative thoughts MEAN that you react to it with a panicked guilt that you think he's "not funny", when all you actually did was to notice that something wasn't funny. It's also possible you're so stressed around him at this point that it's making you feel pissed off and tetchy, so your instinct is criticism. Like when you can hear someone chewing loudly or you're really tired and other people are having loud, annoying, pointless conversations around you. I think part of the issue you've got going on is this "my bf is everything I've ever wanted" stuff. Firstly I think you're partly saying it as affirmation to yourself that you love him in order to reduce anxiety, seeing as the rest of us don't benefit or gain any extra information from reading it. Secondly, nobody's bf is everything they've ever wanted. People aren't laser printed to our specifications, they have flaws- genuine ones- they're not perfect, even very mature people have bad days etc, and it's an unfair pedestal to attempt to put him on. Black and white thinking. You fell in love and decided he was perfect, and as you're beginning to notice he's not, you're struggling to cope with it, like if you notice stuff you don't like then it means you're not in the right relationship and don't really love him. Again, fighting those thoughts with arguments of his good things won't make them go away, it makes them more persistent. Instead of imagining the future of your relationship being one where you only notice good things and are constantly full of love and affection and never have a disagreement or misunderstanding and you never get annoyed with him or find him frustrating....... Could it help you out to instead think of a future where all of those things happen sometimes and you accept that fact and you choose to stay with eachother? Cause that's actual love. Love isn't "my bf is everything I've ever wanted and ticks all my boxes", love is "my bf is a unique and flawed person who I've come to love and even though sometimes I want to smash him over the head with the Port Miriam, we have developed trust and I want him to be the one who stays by my side".