I’ve been struggling recently. I have hOCD (worrying I’m asexual) and rOCD, which can be a tricky mix. I’m on my first relationship, with a wonderful man and I am happy. But I keep tripping myself up in terms of sexual attraction. The thought of my bf arouses me, I fantasise about him etc. However, I’ve read so much on asexual forums that sexual attraction has to be visual. I.e. I have to look at my bf and then feel like I must have sex with him, just by looking at him. This has never been something I experience. It has always taken me some time develop sexual attraction in the past (it’s never just their looks). Like when we’re in a non-sexual environment/context I don’t look at him and think ‘I want sex with you right now’. So now both my OCD and some forums are telling me I don’t experience sexual attraction? It’s all so frustrating!

Stop reading forums. That’s only telling you’re brain more and more unsure of your sexuality. Not everyone gets ‘turned on’ visually, or even have high libidos. the core fear here is you may be sexually deviant in some way and that will lead to you being alone. Instead of checking, accept on first glance you may or may not find your bf physically attractive at times, allow yourself to feel “numb/asexual” and continue the relationship. When ocd tells you “you’re not feeling anything, you must be asexual!” Let that thought be there and don’t try to fix it. It’s just a thought.

You know that you shouldn’t seek reassurance. It’s your OCD talking to you. It’s OCD making you think this. Don’t go to those forums because it will only trigger you. Believe me, I’ve ruin many of my days by giving into the reassurance. It’s just feeding a hungry beast. But I will let you know from what I read, it seems normal. You seem fine, just worrying. Personally I’ve never been sexually attracted to a man instantly. I thought that something was wrong for me too because all the girls I talk to seem to get aroused immediately seeing a guy like, for example, Jason Momoa or whoever People Magazine says is the sexiest man alive. It never happened for me. Was he attractive? Yes but I wasn’t fantazing about him. We’re similar in terms of sexually attractions develops more when I get to know him and a person. Sometimes in a no sexual environment you may not be in the mood! You don’t have to be fully loaded every time you see your partner. Sexually attraction is a small part to a long lasting romantic relationship. Don’t let these forums scare you. Be strong, it’s just your OCD getting to you.

You need to also remind yourself that checking forums constantly has not helped you feel any better, and continuing to do them will make you worse. Take the risk it’s OCD and get treatment. Constantly checking your emotional state tells the brain you are unsure of who you are and disconnected, which is why you feel so much doubt about who you are. Feelings aren’t facts. Emotional reasoning is a cognitive distortion. People who are actually asexual spend absolutely 0 time checking if they are turned on or not. And your chances of being or turning asexual are exactly the same for anyone on this app and even non-OCD suffers. So no amount of checking or ritualizing will change those facts.