I figured out that I have been triggered by a movie and my relationship issues. I’m scared I’m relapsing into this horrible pit of dispair. What does one do when they relapse? How can I feel safe? I don’t feel safe even in my own home sometimes :(

You just said that he never wants to get married. Now you're saying he is open to marriage. ???

@Scoggy I forgot to mention that part. I’m sorry. But like I mean when a man says it’s not a goal in the first place that just means he’s not right? Even if he says he’s open to it?

@JBird88 You're being extremely confusing. You're upset because you just found out that your boyfriend "doesn't want to get married ever"? But he didn't actually say that, he actually said he is open to it?

@Scoggy So I asked him what the next step was. Then he told me marriage is not my goal I’m not a big fan of marriage at all. Then a couple of days after that we revisited the topic and he was like I’m open to marriage. He said he had to be 1000% sure The whole fight was just as confusing trust me

@JBird88 Ok so sounds like it isn't a goal for him and he's iffy about it but ultimately open to the idea if he was ever 1000% sure about someone. So at no point did he say that he "doesn't want to get married ever". Is there something specific which is the problem? You said him saying that he's not a fan of marriage, but would go along with it if he was totally sure about the partner, broke your heart? Which bit?

@Scoggy Well you’re actually right. He never said it like that. He said he just wasn’t a fan. I guess I’m just worried because when it is not a goal of someone’s that should be a red flag right? I mean relationship issues have ALWAYS been a bad bad subject for me. Like I get overwhelmed because I don’t want to waste years with a guy if he’s not sure of me. And we’ve been together 2 years. Everyone tells me to give him a timeline but I am never 100 percent sure myself of any timeline plus I can never force someone to get married even if it is the right person I am with

@JBird88 Ok so you didn't actually find something devastating out about your boyfriend which broke your heart ;) not trying to rag on you, but OCD loves to overblow things and turn them into concepts they're not. Not sure red flags have much to do with it. "Red flag" usually means an indicator that a person or a relationship is toxic. I don't much want to get married, that isn't a red flag for people not to have a relationship with me, it's just a statement about me. I still have relationships. One of them might even last the rest of my life. For me, it's not a sign that I don't want to settle down at all or that I can't be committed to a partner. For someone else, perhaps it might be, it would depend on their reasons. Perhaps for you it's a sign of incompatibility, you have to decide that for yourself- whether marriage is important enough to you that you're not willing to be in a relationship unless there is a guarantee of marriage in it. I'm not sure that "giving him a timeline" means what you think it means, it's not about forcing anybody. I am guessing that "everyone" means it the way I interpret it, which would be that you would decide for yourself how long you're willing to be in a relationship without being engaged or married, and you tell him about that, so that he knows about it and knows that he needs to think ahead. It's boundary setting. You're setting a boundary about what you need in a relationship. That way he can tell you if he isn't ok with it, and you can compromise or decide your desires aren't compatible and break up. You set boundaries and follow through on them. That means that if it isn't going how you need it to go, you leave. At no point is he forced. You set your terms and he decides whether he is ok with them or not, or you compromise between you. I get that you don't want to force him into something he doesn't want, and that's why you're going to have to decide how important a guarantee of marriage is to you. It's perfectly possible that you don't actually care about getting married as much as you thought you did. Possibly, this isn't really about marriage at all, this is about fear that he's not committed to you. That's something you need to address in 2 ways: Firstly, working on accepting the fact that you cannot predict the future, can't prevent him potentially falling out of love, and can't force someone to love you, not even via marriage. Divorce is a thing. You clearly care about him having the freedom to be himself, you need to try to find a comfortable middle ground between what you're each ok with. The second way to address your fear is to reaffirm with him that he loves and is committed to you in other ways. And in the meanwhile, no ruminating and other compulsions. You can face this head on like a grown-up.

@Scoggy Thank you so much. I seriously do have so much to consider. I mean for my sake. I have bad ocd on and off and also I’m trying my best to keep a job and do better with getting a better career. My mom says I should chill out and just have fun together no matter the marriage or not and focus on my health and career. I think she is totally right. You are too. I’m judging him way too much

@JBird88 You're kinda judging yourself though too. You wanted to get married, it's normal to be bummed that he's not itching to get married, and you have a right to your peferences. Go easy on yourself AND him rather than berating either of you.

@Scoggy Yea you’re right on that too. I’m just afraid of things ending. Like I just don’t want to ruin anything. I’m traumatized from my parents divorce

@JBird88 We all feel like that sometimes, sounds like you've identified an extra reason why the idea of it ending is scary for you. My friends who are your ages actually are planning to get married, so the young one's become obsessive about the idea of him dying because of the age gap. I'm confident she has OCD (she has BDD too) but she's not diagnosed. Anxiety always finds something to grab onto. Unfortunately, endings are a fact of life. We can spend our time terrified and trying to hold them off, or fully enjoy the time we have.

@Scoggy Yea endings are extremely sad. Hence my parents divorce. I get super upset. But I have no idea if I’m better off ending or keep staying with him. Obviously I don’t plan on ending things