I recently had another relapse with my HOCD. It’s tiring and really hard to manage on a day to day basis, and sometimes I feel like giving in to get it to end, but even then will things keep getting worse. I miss being gay, and now calling myself gay doesn’t even sound right, it doesn’t sound the way it did before this problem resurfaced. I feel like identifying as what this disorder wants me to identify as is easier than what I want and what I feel and that causes severe distress and anxiety. I feel like it’s only getting worse and I just want things to get better. Some days you feel like you’re recovering and about a day or two later it hits you again with full force and you feel like giving up again, like giving up is the only option you have. Will things ever get better? Will my life ever be normal? Will I ever be able to say “hey, I’m gay and I’m proud!” without questioning if I’m actually gay? I’m tired of crying every day and every night because of this fight. I’m tired of battling my mind and my thoughts every day telling me one thing when my heart wants something else. What am I supposed to do? Nothing’s working, nothing’s helping, and I can’t keep crying, thinking the only way out is suicide. The only things keeping me alive right now are my passions and my goals, knowing that I’ve worked so hard for everything that I have and everything to come, and I don’t even know if those are strong enough anymore. I’ve won the battles, but how long is the war?

I’ve recovered from HOCD before and got my attraction and my usual actual identity back. I was recovered from end 2022- start 2025 until I got triggered UGHHH😭 My HOCD is REALLY trying to convince me and it’s SO annoying cause I genuinely don’t want these thoughts. I know I naturally like men and always have done so. I can’t wait for my first therapy session in two days Omg! I need your advice, not necessarily reassurance, but more advice? My HOCD is throwing random “proof” I did/ saw as a child in my face, which back then had no meaning in my life and I continued to live a perfectly heterosexual life. I’ve educated myself about arousal non concordance / child’s play, but it still doesn’t remove the HOCD. I’ve read therapists great explanations on how it’s not a sexuality issue, BUT ITS AN OCD BRAIN ISSUE. So basically I’ve been straight and i will die as straight. But my ocd is still continuing with the intrusive thoughts/flashbacks. I’ve had some moments where I haven’t done as many compulsions and had less anxiety but still had those damn thoughts and I DO NOT want those damn thoughts. I have so much proof and factual/logical explanations but HOCD is still continuing to thrive. I absolutely hate this and I feel so alone. I wish there was a reset button cause I don’t want these thoughts to happen. I want a man and I stand by that. How do y’all deal with these situations? Cause sitting with the thoughts is clearly not helping.

My HOCD has gotten so bad to the point where I can’t even vision myself being with my boyfriend or even a man in the future when before all this I could, I can’t vision anything with me or a man - it’s suddenly causing me anxiety, doubt and a feeling of it being wrong. I’m hurting in ways I can’t even describe. I was in one of the best relationships I genuinely felt so in love, I was the happiest i had been always wanted to be around my boyfriend. It’s gotten to the point where I even see the word boyfriend and it gives me anxiety. I really don’t know what has happened or a way past this even though I have got past it before but it’s never made me feel this type of way. I’m losing hope 💔

I really need some advice because I don’t even know if what I’m experiencing is HOCD anymore — everything feels completely different in my mind. I was in a happy, loving relationship for two years, and during that time my OCD was pretty much dormant. But for almost three months now, it’s come back full force, and it’s been absolute torture. It’s changed the way I see things and the way I think. I can’t think the way I used to. Whenever I think about my boyfriend or our relationship, it suddenly feels wrong — like being with a man doesn’t feel right anymore, even though that’s all I ever wanted. I used to picture a future with him, and it made me so happy, but now it feels impossible. My mind won’t let me enjoy those thoughts; it twists everything and replaces my real feelings with its own false narrative. I feel completely lost. Sometimes I think I should break up with my boyfriend, even though before all of this, that was the last thing I would ever want. Even now, deep down, I don’t want to — but the way my mind makes me feel toward him since this started leaves me feeling like I have no choice. I just want things to go back to normal. I used to be the happiest girl with my boyfriend, but now I feel like my brain has completely changed. I can’t connect with anything I used to enjoy, and it makes me feel like I don’t even like the things that once made me so happy.