I recently had another relapse with my HOCD. It’s tiring and really hard to manage on a day to day basis, and sometimes I feel like giving in to get it to end, but even then will things keep getting worse. I miss being gay, and now calling myself gay doesn’t even sound right, it doesn’t sound the way it did before this problem resurfaced. I feel like identifying as what this disorder wants me to identify as is easier than what I want and what I feel and that causes severe distress and anxiety. I feel like it’s only getting worse and I just want things to get better. Some days you feel like you’re recovering and about a day or two later it hits you again with full force and you feel like giving up again, like giving up is the only option you have. Will things ever get better? Will my life ever be normal? Will I ever be able to say “hey, I’m gay and I’m proud!” without questioning if I’m actually gay? I’m tired of crying every day and every night because of this fight. I’m tired of battling my mind and my thoughts every day telling me one thing when my heart wants something else. What am I supposed to do? Nothing’s working, nothing’s helping, and I can’t keep crying, thinking the only way out is suicide. The only things keeping me alive right now are my passions and my goals, knowing that I’ve worked so hard for everything that I have and everything to come, and I don’t even know if those are strong enough anymore. I’ve won the battles, but how long is the war?

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

Hey everyone, just wanted to post an honest update on where I’m at in my HOCD recovery. Right now, I'm stuck in what feels like a 24/7 spike — nonstop thoughts, intrusive sensations, identity doubts, and hyperfocus. The worst part? It feels real. Like I’ve “lost,” like I’ve accepted it, like I am gay. The thoughts don't feel like anxiety anymore — they feel like truth. I’ve been trying to do ERP, but the spike has been so constant I don’t even have to “do exposures” — the thoughts, feelings, and sensations are just there all day long. It’s like living inside an exposure. And it’s exhausting. BUT — here’s what I’ve been doing (and what I’m sticking to now): I say once: “These thoughts and feelings are welcome to stay for as long as they want.” I let the doubt, the feelings, the hyperfocus exist. I don’t check, test, or analyze — even when it screams at me. I live my life anyway — folding clothes, watching TV, eating, walking — with the storm in my head. Even when it feels 100% real. Even when I’m fully focused on it. I’ve stopped trying to feel better. I’m letting it all burn — and just not fixing it. It doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like progress.

I don’t know what to do with this bs anymore. I’m crying again and again and again and again. I cannot describe how painful this is. I’ve recovered from every single OCD subtype expect this one. HOCD is so scary and it’s so incredibly scary how it feels so real. The issue with this subtype is how intertwined it is with feelings and sensations. I hate how it keeps latching onto the past and uses the past as proof. I don’t want it to be the truth. I don’t want to accept any possibility.