I feel like my suicidal/existential OCD seems to latch onto almost anything at this point. If, for a moment, I feel any sort of happiness, I feel like it is all pointless and that everything is just meaningless and that just turns that happy moment around for me completely into sadness and hopelessness. I’m so exhausted of having to go through the feeling of hopelessness almost 24/7. The things that usually upset me or the big problems I have in my life are 100 times worse and even feel like a trigger for the Suicidal OCD to hit hard and when it does, it truly convinces me that I’m capable of doing such a thing and that’s what makes everything much worse. Even while writing all of this down now, I’m trying to make sure I don’t leave anything out so that I would know if my case is unique compared to everbody else. I’ve also been feeling the need to give attention to my thoughts because if I don’t, then I’ll be in great danger and nobody will be able to save me if anything happens. Recently, I have also started taking the religious approach to this and the question I can’t seem to get out of my head is why me? Why would God ever put me in this situation if he even forbids the idea of harm itself. It just doesn’t make sense to me because I know that I’m trying my best everyday. I have lost interest in doing things and I even get scared of doing them because I know that there is a great chance the thoughts will hit me hard and that I need to give my attention to them otherwise I’ll be in great danger. In my hardest times, I usually see other people’s posts here to connect and know that I’m not alone in this because I always feel like I’m going insane and that this will be the end of me. I totally understand and despite not knowing them, am proud of anybody going through OCD or any other mental disorder because it takes so much effort and strength to keep fighting and going through this.

I can’t express how grateful I am for your support. It does feel very rough and makes it extremely difficult to separate hopelessness from intrusive thoughts. If you wouldn’t mind, I would appreciate if we would chat for a bit as I’ve been struggling a lot recently and am beginning to feel like I’m going insane.

@ItsOmar Of course! I have to go to work in about an hour until 10 but you can message me and I’ll respond as much as I can. I’m really early on in the recovery process so I don’t know if I have much concrete advice to give, but sometimes it’s just really good to chat with people who understand

@Courtney Okay well I don’t think we can message each other on this app, so if you want, we can message each other on any social media platform, reddit account, or through texting. If you don’t want to chat privately though, we can continue here that’s fine with me just let me know which you prefer.

@ItsOmar Oh my bad! I got this confused with a Facebook support group I’m in called “intrusive thoughts.” it’s moderated by OCD advocates and it’s pretty helpful, I’ve found a lot of comaradery there. We can chat on here if you like, maybe there’s other people reading this also going through what we’re going through

@Courtney Oh okay, I’ll definitely look into that Facebook group. Anyways, I think you’ve read my other post where I talk about reading how a writer had major depressive disorder for 20 years and killed himself. This story has been haunting me for the last 24 hours because it makes me feel completely hopeless and that even after years of trying to get better, he just ended up killing himself. All of that makes me just keep asking questions. It’s terrifying because my case could simply end up being like his.

@ItsOmar I don’t think my original comment posted. But yes, I’m the same with with Anthony bourdain and went down that hopeless rabbithole when he died. And the answer I’m trying to give myself is that I don’t know for certain that my future won’t look like that, no one does. Reassuring myself that I’ll 100% recover and not suffer again or relapse or not still succumb to depression in the future only makes me feel worse, because deep down I know that there’s no way I can know for certain so it becomes an endless loop of hopelessness and frustration. It reminds me to stay in the present and do what I can for myself now. I have a “I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it” mentality about it these days that I’m not sure is avoidance, but it helps me to stop obsessively googling and checking when things get really hard

@Courtney I just can’t seem to tell whether I’m actually just obsessing or if I’m truly in danger right now. You’re right about not reassuring oneself that they’ll 100% recover but I’m going through so much distress right now that makes me doubt that anybody else is feeling what I’m feeling. I haven’t been able to leave my bed for the past 24 hours because I have already convinced myself that I’m suicidal and won’t make it and I’ve been panicking so hard with complete hopelessness. Did you experience it to this degree as well? Like were your feelings so extreme and terrible that you couldn’t function at all?

@Courtney Also another thing I do to talk back to the OCD thoughts is say “well I might end up killing myself 5, 10, 20 years in the future, but today I’m going to do x (something I enjoy it is important to me) because I would rather make my time meaningful now than make my life feel hopeless by trying to prevent something out of my control” it’s kind of like, if I die I die. I’m going to try to live anyways. Suicidal OCD is hands down the worst and hardest thing I’ve ever been through and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy but I’m still here after almost a year of not knowing it was even OCD and thinking I really WAS suicidal, so that’s gotta count for something.

@ItsOmar I do experience it like that! I once went two weeks without taking a shower because I was 100% convinced I would harm myself (gross, I know lol). I lost 20 pounds after not eating because i didn’t want to risk having the energy of harming my family or myself (I was misdiagnosed with psychotic depression/bipolar at the time so I thought these thoughts were real.) I hope this doesn’t trigger you in any way but yes 100% it’s interfered with my functioning so much. This is an insidious disease that is so misunderstood. Are you seeing an OCD therapist about your thoughts?

@Courtney Also I can’t tell you if you’re obsessing or really in danger because I don’t want to feed into the OCD, but your experience isn’t uncommon

@Courtney Living with uncertainty is definitely something I need to work on because I have always lived my life so cautious of everything. And perhaps you were avoiding things because you didn’t want to hurt yourself or others but I think for me, I stay in bed and not function at all because I have no interest in doing anything and because I feel so hopeless and that I’ll wind up dead anyways, so nothing is worth anything. So that kind of just put some anxiety in me right now, knowing that my reasons for staying in bed are different than yours. I’ve just reached the point where I’m convinced that I don’t wanna live anymore and that life is just meaningless so I’m not going to survive for long. I was seeing an OCD therapist who diagnosed me with Suicidal and Existential OCD but it was online and there were issues with payment so we couldn’t continue. I’m supposed to be traveling to Canada soon when this Corona thing clears up to seek help there but I have been struggling so hard here as I wait. The one thing that makes me feel different than the rest of the Suicidal OCD sufferers is that I think I’m too depressed, unable to do or enjoy anything, and incapable of leaving my bed because it feels like the only safe place for me right now.

@ItsOmar I also have days where I feel really depressed, and they seem to amplify the OCD thoughts and feed into the cycle. I think they’re definitely interconnected, intrusive thoughts like that is a depressing and demoralizing thing to have. I’ve also had bad depressions that aren’t connected to thoughts at all where I just slept for like 19 hours a day. Please believe me that I have been where you are right now. OCD casts doubt on everything in your life and sometimes it can be really difficult to see the light. I think it’s really common for OCD sufferers to say “well my case is different because x”— I say that to myself all the time, that I can’t recover because no one is exactly like me and doesn’t know exactly what I’m going through, so I must be a lost cause. When I have days like you’re having now I focus on one very small thing at a time. If all I do that day is take a shower and brush my teeth, it still counts. All those small victories add up and over time it gets easier to tackle big things. Going to Canada sounds like a really good thing to look forward to!! I’m sorry the covid delayed it, there’s no sugarcoating this pandemic has wrought havoc on our lives and mental health. Maybe in the meantime while you wait and aren’t seeing a therapist you could look into some self help guides? Mark Freeman’s YouTube channel has helped me tremendously, as well as Kali Wallace (she’s an advocate on here too which is cool)

@Courtney Well, it’s very nice to know that you’ve went through the same. It really does cast doubt on everything and makes you feel like nobody is or ever will be like you. I’ll try to do one thing at a time. Which channe do you recommend I start with? Mark or Kali?

@ItsOmar I like them both for different reasons. Mark’s provides a lot of really good advice and education on mental health/OCD and tips on how to beat it, and the thing I personally found most helpful about Kali’s channel was just her sharing her experience, it made me feel a lot less alone and hopeless just to listen to her story

I’m the same way with Anthony Bourdain— like, on the outside he lived the most amazing life and it was really difficult for me to wrap my head around when he died, so I went down that same obsessive rabbithole. How can someone who seems to have it all together and who has overcome still succumb to depression? And honestly the answer I’m trying to give myself is I don’t know for sure that I’m not going to end up like that one day, no one does. My OCD might go into hiding, I might “beat” depression, but then one day it might come back and I might not be able to handle it. It’s terrifying to think about, but it reminds me to stay in the present, because I’m doing what I can for myself NOW and that’s what I have power over, and I’ll trust my future self to take care of me in the future.