I’m not doing good today. I’m obsessing about past things from teen years again. That leads to my POCD bothering me. Which leads to confessing. Then I get paranoid that people who I’ve confessed to secretly think I’m disgusting and will call me out. Now I’m crying my eyes out because my dad came in and gave me my dogs paw print. He passed away 2 weeks ago today. The intrusive thoughts picturing him being put down and his body and just existential fears than get to me. No matter what I do I either feel like a bad person or I’m struck with grief from past traumas of people and loved ones dying. I just want it to end. I don’t want to be a bad person. I don’t want to deal with anymore bad things in my life anymore. I’m breaking down today and I feel incredibly alone and paranoid today and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m trying to listen to an audiobook a psychologist o spoke to recommended me about intrusive thoughts but then my brain goes to “well they aren’t exactly just any intrusive thoughts. These are real things that happened and they were bad” so then I just feel like shit anyways. I’m depressed. I’m scared. I’m paranoid. And I always feel unsafe like something bad will happen. I just hate this. I want it to stop.

POCD

Martsi

Date posted: 5y

You are not alone. Sometimes I scroll around here and, when i constantly feel like an alien, i read that someone has the same experience. And even if i dont know the way out, even if i cant add anything productive, this place helps me remember that others feel the same. And while I can feel compassion for those i read, i remember to feel compassionate about myself. You are not an alien and not alone, thats what i repeat to myself. Pretty shitty day today too, hang in there.

figuringital...

Date posted: 5y

I’m so sorry Mars, you are so not alone. I’m so sorry about your dog. How are you feeling now? Do you want to talk about what you’re obsessing over?

Mars

Date posted: 5y

Thank you. I’m not feeling much better. I’m very paranoid but also I’m overwhelmed because I was on the phone for almost 2 hours for intake with prp services and his voice started to physically hurt me. I’m just scared. I’m obsessing about stuff from my teen years. I’m obsessing what if that makes me a pedophile. I’m obsessing that what If I get in trouble. Obsessing what if the people I’ve told end up breaking my trust and telling on me. Etc etc. it keeps playing through my mind and it won’t stop. I feel tainted from stuff when I was 16. I just wish it’d stop. I’m trying really hard too not to confess and it’s really hard. I’m just tired today. I’m very overwhelmed and I can’t stop feeling like. Bad. Just bad.

figuringital...

Date posted: 5y

@Mars Would you like to talk about the stuff from when you were a teen? I’m only asking because I’m in a very similar position — when I was a teen some stuff happened (I didn’t hurt anybody or anything) that has me stuck in a POCD rut that I constantly struggle with, so I totally understand where you are coming from.

Mars

Date posted: 5y

@figuringitallout It dealt with specific hentai. but just idk. There’s more to the story but I’m trying not to confess and stuff bc it’s a compulsion. I’m just tired.

Mars

Date posted: 5y

@figuringitallout I’d be more comfortable talking about it privately tho if you wanted to.

figuringital...

Date posted: 5y

@Mars Oh sure, is there a private message option?

Mars

Date posted: 5y

@figuringitallout I don’t think there is. Do you have discord or anything?

figuringital...

Date posted: 5y

@mars Yes! Figuringitallout7

Mars

Date posted: 5y

What’s the # numbers after your name?

figuringital...

Date posted: 5y

@Mars 3692

Mars

Date posted: 5y

@figuringitallout I sent you a request

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